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Passions in Poetry

shatterd glass

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nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


25 posted 02-20-2009 04:02 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

also i enjoyed writing writing this but how does it help me dtermine who "WE" is? is those who are in despair?
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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26 posted 02-20-2009 04:03 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle



I'm just a turtle.

This is the internet sweetheart.
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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27 posted 02-20-2009 04:06 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

  


Now that you've seen how I've done this (take each complete thought one at a time in your letter and write a poem.)

turtle  
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


28 posted 02-20-2009 04:12 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

ok turtle it is. haha. i will attempt to write a poem from this letter myself
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


29 posted 02-20-2009 06:30 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

sorry ive been really busy and ive only written a couple of stanzas. and they arent that great.

For the trechorous king has taken me prisoner.
They've forced me atop the stairs made of stones.
confining me in shadowy darkness
in hopes of obtaing my future throne.

Distorted thoughts overflow my head
to this dispair im forced to succumb
my strength is dwindling to its end
here i lie waiting for you to come.

My bones are weak
my head is tired .
i need your help
your the one ive admired.

turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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30 posted 02-20-2009 07:36 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Wow nina! Rhymed verse in four line stanzas! I've show people this a half dozen times and they couldn't figure it out. Is this your first rhymed poem? I am truely impressed!

Below here, I have taken each complete thought in your letter and double
spaced them to show you how to divide this up. If you want, you can take
each one (like I've shown you) and use the information in that complete
thought to write a 4 line rhymed stanza (Just like you're doing). Wanna try?

(Dear (confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.) Sir leo,)

(i am the daughter of India and the duaghter of a strangerdaughter ..... curly black hair....., deep brown eyes,... .....im fit. and pimple free, good looking )

(The king of kenya has captured me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. The king is minipulating me to believe im  safe here. Giving me a false sense of security. )

(Darkness encompasses, rockes block all light
from entering my room. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading,
I write this to you before i fall for the trap.)

(I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and
my father owns many of acres Helping me would mean great sucess and love for you.)

(Please come help me. I need you before it is too late. very truly yours nina)


I'll be back tomorrow

      


[This message has been edited by turtle (02-20-2009 08:41 PM).]

nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


31 posted 02-20-2009 09:08 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

yes this is my first time attempting rhyme. ive been doing as you told me but i deleted the lines so you could read the poem. i will keep them for now on and continue to write the poem. i truly enjoy writing this.
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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32 posted 02-21-2009 02:44 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Okay. I kinda left this a little vague for you, because I wanted your mind
to try and figure out what I'm doing instead of me just telling you. Now I
will explain what I'm doing and how I'm doing it.

Lets take the more difficult third complete thought (I used) and
compare it to the stanza I wrote for it:

The king of kenya has captured me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. The king is minipulating me to believe im  safe here. Giving me a false sense of security. )Darkness encompasses, rockes block all light
from entering my room. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading,
I write this to you before i fall for the trap. )


Yon evil king in towered castle
Now holds captive your lady fair
Thus I am weak and languish darkly
In this kingdom of despair

This stanza contains only 16 feet...little more than a pattering of geese. How do
I get all the information (in the third complete thought) into such a small package?

I do this by finding the subject of the thought, what is happening to that
subject and sum it up as a "theme" for the stanza. Just like I showed you
when I was determining a title for this poem.

The king of kenya has captured me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop fighting

What might one word be that would describe what is going on here? "imprisoned"

defeating me and making me too weak. The king is minipulating me to believe im  safe here. Giving me a false sense of security.Darkness encompasses, rockes block all light
from entering my room. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading,
I write this to you before i fall for the trap.


What might one word be that describes this result of imprisonment? "despair"

So my "theme" for this stanza is "Imprisoned in despair"

Now I begin constructing the stanza based on this "theme" and using
the information in the thought to describe that theme.

The king of kenya has captured me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop fighting

Yon evil king in towered castle
Now holds captive your lady fair.

defeating me and making me too weak. The king is minipulating me to believe im  safe here. Giving me a false sense of security.Darkness encompasses, rockes block all light
from entering my room. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading,
I write this to you before i fall for the trap.


Thus I am weak and languish darkly
In this kingdom of despair.

Do I use every word in this thought? That would be impossible.
BUT the "theme" of the stanza and the "theme" of the thought are the same.

By using a "theme" I can turn anything from one word to an entire
book into a four line stanza.

I think this should clear up what's going on here.

    
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


33 posted 02-21-2009 03:13 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

sorry i understtod what you asked me to do. i just got home from a very long basketball tournment and wasnt able to get to a computer to work on it. i am working on it now.
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


34 posted 02-21-2009 03:27 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

(Dear (confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.) Sir leo,)


"dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my admiration with everlasting chestnut eyes.
In a battle you always conquer
and to this king you shall defy


You were the one i franternized with as a child
You were my esoteric friend.
My  time is greatly shortening
there's somerhing i must say before i meet my end.

not really sure if they are any good but they are still rough
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


35 posted 02-21-2009 04:44 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

No nina, this is perfect, you are understanding exactly what you need to understand....For now    

Keep going until you've finished your poem then we will begin.

...Did ya win the tournament?

  
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


36 posted 02-21-2009 04:55 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

yeah we won the first game and lost by one shot for the second. so we are finished second in states. and i will finish the poem by tonight and i will post it as i go.
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


37 posted 02-21-2009 05:32 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522



[This message has been edited by nina1522 (02-21-2009 06:52 PM).]

nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


38 posted 02-21-2009 06:11 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

Dear (confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.) Sir leo,)


"dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my admiration with everlasting chestnut eyes.
In a battle you always conquer
and to this king you shall defies


You were the one i franternized with as a child
You were my esoteric friend.
My  time is greatly shortening
there's somerhing i must say before i meet my end.



(i am the daughter of India and the duaghter of a strangerdaughter ..... curly black hair....., deep brown eyes,... .....im fit. and pimple free, good looking )


I'm the unwanted daughter of a strangered king
I am still the unsuited daughter of a queen
their desire is to replace me
for now im almost sixteen

my hair has swirls of untamed curls
down my back swims black and brown.               or               down my shoulders black interweaves with brown

i am the rightful owner of Spain's crown





(The king of kenya has captured me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. The king is minipulating me to believe im  safe here. Giving me a false sense of security. )


For the trechorous king has taken me prisoner.
They've forced me atop the stairs made of stones.
confining me in shadowy darkness
in hopes of obtaing my future throne.

Distorted thoughts overflow my head
to this dispair im forced to succumb
my strength is dwindling to its end
here i lie waiting for you to come.

(Darkness encompasses, rockes block all light
from entering my room. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading,
I write this to you before i fall for the trap.)

camouflaged shadows ecnloses around me
wishing for a battle and preparing for the action
but i  know something bigger is occuring
and they are just mere distraction.


My bones are weak
my head is tired .
i need your help
your the one ive admired.


(I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and
my father owns many of acres Helping me would mean great sucess and love for you.)

Need some more time for this one


(Please come help me. I need you before it is too late. very truly yours nina)

My courage is fading
my strength is dieing
dispair is closing in
to this darkness i am denying


[This message has been edited by nina1522 (02-21-2009 07:03 PM).]

nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


39 posted 02-21-2009 08:36 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

actually im changing that to...

(Please come help me. I need you before it is too late. very truly yours nina)

My strength is fading
my time is dieing
dispair is closing in
to this darkness i am denying

i dont want to make her sound weak with saying that her courage is dieing

turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


40 posted 02-21-2009 09:04 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Yep! You're getting it down to shorter lines, that;s good.

I know some of these are tuff.

Hmmmm......

Let me think about this....

turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


41 posted 02-21-2009 09:14 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Okay!

nina, click on this link, go over to chop's thread and read down from the link in the
middle of my last post, where I explain how to use the link, Then go to Rhymezone and
find smaller words that mean the same thing as the bigger words you're trying to use.

http://piptalk.com/pip/Forum28/HTML/002431.html

  
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


42 posted 02-21-2009 09:18 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

ok thanks... here is one i fixed

You were the one i knew as child
You were my secret friend.
My  time is greatly shortening
i have something to say before i meet my end.
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


43 posted 02-21-2009 09:20 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

and another...


For the king has taken me prisoner.
forcing me atop the stairs made of stones.
confining me in shadowy darkness
in hopes of obtaing my future throne.
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


44 posted 02-21-2009 09:21 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

these are small changes but they make the lines more evened out... i think. im still very new to this poetry and rhyming thing. This is only like my 4th poem ever written.


"dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my admiration with chestnut eyes.
In a battle you always conquer
and to this king you shall defies
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


45 posted 02-21-2009 09:25 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

haha i love how you put a note in the comment vox for chopsticks. haha.

my hair has swirls of untamed curls
down my back swims black and brown.               or               down my shoulders black interweaves with brown

i am the rightful owner of Spain's crown


            TO
my hair has untamed curls
down my back swims black and brown.
i, who wears the princess dress          
is the rightful owner of Spain's crown
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


46 posted 02-21-2009 09:31 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

You're getting better and this is fine.

Evetually we'll need to get all the stanzas down to this size. For now though, just try to get each stanza where you think you're ready. Then we'll try to put it together.

nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


47 posted 02-21-2009 09:33 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

Finally...

camouflaged shadows ecnloses around me
wishing for a battle and preparing for the action
but i  know something bigger is occuring
and they are just mere distraction.

            TO
cshadows ecnloses around me
preparing for the action
something bigger is occuring
and they are just mere distraction.
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


48 posted 02-21-2009 09:36 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hahaha

Very Good!

nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


49 posted 02-21-2009 09:39 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

(Dear (confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.) Sir leo,)


dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my admiration with chestnut eyes.
In a battle you always conquer
and to this king you shall defies

You are who i knew as a child
You were my friend.
My time is  shortening
i needyou before i see my end




(i am the daughter of India and the duaghter of a strangerdaughter ..... curly black hair....., deep brown eyes,... .....im fit. and pimple free, good looking )


I'm the daughter of a  king
I am the  daughter of a queen
their  wish is to replace me
for now im almost sixteen

my hair has swirls of untamed curls
down my back swims black and brown.              
i, who wears the princess dress
i am the rightful owner of Spain's crown





(The king of kenya has captured me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. The king is minipulating me to believe im  safe here. Giving me a false sense of security. )


For the king has taken me prisoner.
forcin me atop the stairs made of stones.
confining me in shadowy darkness
in hopes of obtaing my future throne.

Distorted thoughts overflow my head
to this dispair im forced to succumb
my strength is dwindling to its end
here i lie waiting for you to come.


(Darkness encompasses, rockes block all light
from entering my room. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading,
I write this to you before i fall for the trap.)

shadows ecnloses around me
preparing for the action
something bigger is occuring
and they are just a distraction.


My bones are weak
my head is tired .
i need your help
your the one ive admired.


(I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and
my father owns many of acres Helping me would mean great sucess and love for you.)



(Please come help me. I need you before it is too late. very truly yours nina)

my courage is fading
My strength is dieing
dispair is closing in
and to this darkness i am denying
 
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