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Passions in Poetry

To Dream of Peace

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Allogenes
Junior Member
since 01-16-2008
Posts 35


0 posted 02-15-2009 06:37 PM       View Profile for Allogenes   Email Allogenes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allogenes


  The look of History is blood and tears;
A chain protracted endlessly -- a slave
That rolls thru numberless, unchallenged years
    And changes Not - from cosmic birth to grave.

It lumbers wounded, though at times appears
    Almost to stand - then falls where none can save.
    -         -          -             -
    Amidst the howls, the pains, of ravaged life;
Among combative means, that restless beast
    There're those who swear, beyond this veil of strife
There shines a dream of martyrs broken peace.
    They never cry for vain misdeeds to cease --
Oh God! What right have They to dream of peace!

    To speak of peace when children starve for bread
In holes and allies spared for criminals!
    To speak of peace when tyrants swell their dead
In rivers splashing at their intervals!
    To speak of peace ... It is enough for me
To hold a groundless, brief Eternity --

    Eternity that spares no man or crime,
but washes all alike in drowning haze;
    Eternity -- a plodding, grating, Time
That loses Justice to the march of days.
    All the injustice damned along with war
Is mist --- and the despot is scarcely more.

    I long for Freedom's gates to open wide
And usher forth another Golden Age
    Where man and man can peaceably abide
Un-crowded 'top Creations burdened stage;
    
    To curb the reckless, imperial tide
And right the wrong of Nature's folded page.
© Copyright 2009 Allogenes - All Rights Reserved
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


1 posted 02-15-2009 07:12 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Al,

This is okay, but still it's too wordy.

I'll go over this and make some suggestions.



[This message has been edited by turtle (02-16-2009 08:34 AM).]

Allogenes
Junior Member
since 01-16-2008
Posts 35


2 posted 02-16-2009 01:29 AM       View Profile for Allogenes   Email Allogenes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allogenes

    Thanks for commenting, Turtle. I await your opinions.
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


3 posted 02-16-2009 09:33 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi Al,

I think your last post was a little better than this

When I said this poem is too wordy, I meant that in two ways. (A double intendre.)

It contains too many words, and you're trying to give me (the reader) too much information.

Here is, what I thought was, one of the better stanzas with a suggestion under each line.

- - - -
Amidst the howls, the pains, of ravaged life;
(Through howls and pain from ravaged life)

Among combative means, that restless beast
(And jousting with the restless beast)

There're those who swear, beyond this veil of strife
( It's said there waits beyond the veil)

There shines a dream of martyrs broken peace.
(A shining dream of martyr's pease)

They never cry for vain misdeeds to cease --
(delete)

Oh God! What right have They to dream of peace!
(delete)

Al, I don't know if you're here because you want to know, can I write poetry?

If you are, try reading up on the info in these links and then try writing a poem.

http://www.blc.lsbu.ac.uk/aa/aa/Communication/Writing%20Skills/Sentences(6  5)/SentencesIntro(65).html

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/

I'm reading this one now, very interesting  

http://books.google.com/books?id=CC9FzgkiJj0C&pg=PA6&dq=metaphor+sawing+wood+meani  ng#PPA1,M1

http://instructional1.calstatela.edu/tsteele/TSpage5/page5.html


There are so many writers who are telling the reader their feelings in their poetry
Think about what you like to read. I like to read what moves me, what entertains me and what makes me think. I couldn't care less about how the writer feels. I want to know how you can make ME (the reader) think and feel.


  
Allogenes
Junior Member
since 01-16-2008
Posts 35


4 posted 02-16-2009 01:33 PM       View Profile for Allogenes   Email Allogenes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allogenes

   Yes, I agree that the poem is too long and probably belabors the point. This is just a rough version compiled from several ideas I had; I shall probably try to chisel it down to something more concise.

"Al, I don't know if you're here because you want to know, can I write poetry?"

    No, not really. I've never doubted my abilities to write, but -- as I've stated elsewhere -- I'm not yet confident or familiar with form. In fact, I only began to take the matter seriously about a month ago. That's the primary reason I'm here, but the message *behind* the form is (admittedly) far more important to me. Empty form is meaningless. In my opinion, that's precisely what is missing from modern formal poetry -- the Vision. But that's another discussion for another day.

    Thanks for those links, Turtle. I'll be sure to check them out when I get some time.

   -- Allogenes
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


5 posted 02-16-2009 06:16 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi Al,

I wrote a paper on structure once, to try and put some of these college level
explanations of structure, found on  the web, a little simpler to understand.
If you guys want I could dig it out and post it here.

Quote:

"Empty form is meaningless. In my opinion,"

Yes, and many others feel the same. Again, we come back to perspective.

There is a difference between having something to say and saying something
in a way to move and inspire a reader. This is the greatest problem with poetry
today and why (In my opinion) poetry has slipped from the consciousness and
admiration of the masses. Always, ALWAYS, write with the reader in mind.

Here is a list numbered in the order of importance for a writer to consider:

1, How can I say this in a way to make the reader relate to what I'm writing.

1, How can I say this to make my thoughts clear and easy for the reader to understand.

1, Never TELL your readers how you feel, show them.

1, ALWAYS research your subject to produce a more valid opinion.

1, A poem should entertain the reader no matter what the subject.

1, There are tools to help a reader do these things. Learn and use them.

Talent is not artistic expression. Talent is not taking a poetic form (Including
free verse) and molding it around your expressions.These poetic forms have
been around for hundreds of years, there's a reason that they work.

Talent is the ability to take your artistic expressions and present them in
a form that gives the READER greater enjoyment.

  

[This message has been edited by turtle (02-16-2009 09:52 PM).]

 
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