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Passions in Poetry

My home, my grave

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freeand2sexy
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0 posted 02-14-2009 05:20 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy


Iím reposting this from the teen poetry forum, after changing it a bit. Iím 17 and have been writing poems since I was 8 but only recently, about a couple months ago, I realized that I wanted to improve in my writing, and Iíve also realized that my poems are not as good as I thought, but actually quite horrible.

I hope that Iím not wasting your time on this poem; I know that it isnít as good as it could be or as good as a lot of the poems posted here, which I have read many of.  It has taken me forever to get the courage to post a poem in this forum, but Iím ready to hear the truth, so donít be afraid to be brutally honest (the harsher the better). Thank you so much for reading, and I am grateful for any critiques that you give me.


Iíve been walking through this narrow cave
Hollow, darkness roams through the damp air
I wonder is this where I should stay
To live without  those who say they care

Is this my escape or is this home
Is this my fate, where Iím meant to be
Where I overcome my fears, alone
And live through my own insanity

This could be all mine, right where I stand
A place to leave my old life behind
Finally, Iíll find out who I am
In this lonesome cave Iíll have my time

I sit in the dark stillness of day
Crying painful tears I cannot see
The consequence of running away
Once thinking that this would set me free

Now I wonder why the ground must shake
Or why fear fills my body and soul
Running, I stumble from my lifeís quakes
Realizing Iím stuck in my own home

Were rocks of my dwelling meant to fall
To suffocate me here where I lay
Hidden from the world behind a wall
Left to die with a sense of dismay

Now how could anyone rescue me
Stuck as Iím gasping for life and air
Till the final moment that I breathe
Iíll question if anyone will care

That this, my own home, is now my grave

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

© Copyright 2009 Christine Juarez - All Rights Reserved
turtle
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1 posted 02-14-2009 07:26 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi, Freeand2sexy,

This is very good for your age and skill level. I've written much worse and at an older age.

17.......

You are so lucky. I would trade every poem I've ever written to be 17.

To pick this poem apart would be pointless and cruel. Besides, I never answer a woman who askes
me how I like her dress.

I wrote poetry for many years that was just vent. Poetry that I would
never share with anyone and would have no value to anyone, but me.....and that's debatable.....

Right now, you are writing poetry about the things that you feel inside. That you can express your feelings,
clearly and deeply, is a good thing and I know that venting your feelings is important. Someday soon, a young
suitor will draw afoot and change those feelings.

To write poetry well, requires investment. If I were contemplating putting my time into learning poetry, I would
first want to weigh what it is I'm passionate about, my feelings, or poetry.

If you simply want me to fix this poem,that would be easy.
But, I would do you a much greater service to suggest poetry workshops and creative writing
classes.

turtle      


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[This message has been edited by turtle (02-14-2009 09:23 PM).]

Monk Frost I!
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2 posted 02-15-2009 01:02 AM       View Profile for Monk Frost I!   Email Monk Frost I!   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Monk Frost I!

At your age you should continue writing for it will ease the pain!

chopsticks
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3 posted 02-15-2009 08:52 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Hi Free, the subject of the poem has a personally disorder , that you have skillfully presented to us. Almost every line has nine syllables and I donít think that could be a coincidences. I didnít scan the metrical forms, Iím to lazy and dumb. Anyhow I found this poet that says the forms can be mixed, and I  wouldnít leave home without him .

I liked the poem


chopsticks
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4 posted 02-15-2009 09:03 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

ďAt your age you should continue writing for it will ease the pain!Ē

Hi Monk,

why do you assume that the poet is in pain ? Maybe itís just a poem .


freeand2sexy
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5 posted 02-16-2009 12:42 AM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

I'm not sure why people always assume what I write is about me, but I guess people especially teens normally do write about how they feel and/or their experiences.

Yes I do at times write about myself, but believe it or not, most of my poems are not about me. For some reason I like writing about others and their feelings/experience. This poem, if you could call it that, wasn't me venting. Though I did put a part of me in it, I can't say that I actually feel this way.

Though it is in 1st person, I wasnít trying to portray myself. I was trying to show someone

-who pushes people away, to be alone
-who thinks that they are better off living in the dark unaware of others, as they also are unaware of him/her.
-who realizes that being alone isnít so great, yet realizes it, too late.

I wanted to show how life can be death at the same time. That just because youíre breathing doesnít mean your living.

That people who think they donít need anyone, that they can live life on their own without any help, are just killing themselves, and by the time they realize it, it could be too late for them to get out of. Their life becomes death.

I do understand that I have a lot of work ahead of me to become better; I thank you guys for wasting your time reading my poem and for your responses. Though I was expecting something a bit more cruel and harsh, I see thereís no point, but maybe next time.

And Turtle,
I have to say that Iím equally passionate about poetry and the feelings of others. My feelings? Well, I like to toss them aside.


With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
turtle
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6 posted 02-16-2009 01:58 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Quote:
"For some reason I like writing about others and their feelings/experience".


But free? That may be the point, I think.

This poem is in first person.

It reads like teen angst, you are a teen and you're telling the reader:

I wonder is this where I should stay

The consequence of running away

Once thinking that this would set me free

Hidden from the world behind a wall

These are the thoughts and feelings of a teenager, not someone in years.

If you want to try and fix this poem. Then put it in the person of an elderly man/woman:

Go and search the internet and see how the elderly think and feel.

Here are some suggestions for S1:

This could be all mine, right where I stand
(He made his stand right where he stood)

A place to leave my old life behind
(And chose to leave past lives behind)

Finally, Iíll find out who I am
(At last he'd find out, if he could,)

In this lonesome cave Iíll have my time
(Why lonesome caves should bide his time.)

Don't be too discouraged, you're closer to getting this right than others.

freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
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7 posted 02-16-2009 02:12 AM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Turtle,

You're right, these are the thoughts and feelings of a teenager, I guess what I was trying to say was just, that it wasn't about me, and when I said someone, I didn't mean someone elderly. Again I confuse myself as well as others.

Thanks for your help, and no worries, nothing can discourage me.




With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
chopsticks
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8 posted 02-16-2009 07:11 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Turtle , are you nuts ?
turtle
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9 posted 02-16-2009 08:42 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

What do you mean chops?
chopsticks
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10 posted 02-16-2009 09:13 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

ďWhat do you mean Chops ď

I donít mean anything.  I am going to  ask everybody on this forum are they nuts and you just happen to be first.


This is what made you first :

ďIf you want to try and fix this poem. Then put it in the person of an elderly man/woman:

Go and search the internet and see how the elderly think and feel.Ē

Turtle this is the IN-TER-NET . You can find almost anything on here but how people

feel . As many quotes that say life begins at forty just as many will say its over at forty.

Anybody that pushes people away to live in a cave has a disorder, no matter the age. I

didnít think Free was writing about her self, but maybe a friend or family member like her

elderly grandmother.

So, are you nuts ?
turtle
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11 posted 02-16-2009 10:13 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Quote:

"Turtle this is the IN-TER-NET . You can find almost anything on here but how people

feel ".

Yes, I see, I'm not making myself clear.  

I recently read a poem, written by an elderly woman that expressed very well how she and others of her age feel. I could go to the Alley Forum and read the posts to see how other people feel. I could read a story that shows how a character feels.

I should have said: Examine other peoples writings, that are of the age appropriate to the storyline, and see what feelings they are expressing. I don't think anyone could know another's deepest feelings, but then, I would think that is a given.

I'm sure that "nuts" is still up in the air, but in this case I probably just
didn't explain myself well.

chopsticks
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12 posted 02-16-2009 12:17 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

ď I recently read a poem, written by an elderly woman that expressed very well how she and others of her age feel. ď

Contra Punctur :

I can find a poem that is inverted  proportionally to the poem that you read recently, but what does that prove .

Maybe the papers I got from that mental hospital were forged and Iím just as nutty as  I ever was .
turtle
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13 posted 02-16-2009 06:33 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Some of the best sleep I've ever gotten was in high school English. lol

I don't recommend it. This stuff is much harder to learn at an older age and it still shows up in my writing.
chopsticks
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14 posted 02-17-2009 11:48 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

ď This stuff is much harder to learn at an older age ď

Turtle, I will not take advantage of your youth and inexperience in life.

turtle
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15 posted 02-17-2009 03:39 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

moonbeam
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16 posted 02-18-2009 05:33 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Christine

This has distinct positives and negatives.

The positives first:

You write clearly and well with few glaring grammatical errors and no spelling mistakes - and believe me, those count for a lot in these days where speed and expediency seem to outweigh care and accuracy.

Also you lead off with a strong and easily grasped metaphor, i.e. the use of a cave to represent the place of the speaker's mind.  That in itself shows a considerable grasp of a vital poetic device, but encouragingly, you manage to maintain the metaphor to the end of the poem and to use related language - the references to quakes and rocks for instance, which add strength and consistency to your central theme.

All too often poets have a tendency to simply throw what they regard as clever similes or metaphors at poem in such profusion that the writing just becomes muddled.  You haven't done that; good work.

Finally on the positives, you have a message.  There was a point to the poem.  Perhaps some might say it is quite a frequently written about theme, but I think that the main thing is that it appears that you sat down and thought about what you were going to write before you got going.  So at this stage in your writing I'd say that it doesn't matter too much what the message is, as long as you become accustomed to thinking through what you want to say instead of just jotting down random thoughts.  People are fond of saying that true poetry is from the heart, and this may be true, but it sure as hell isn't the heart that transfers that poetry to the page - it's your mind, and your skill as a poet.  Without that skill and thought no amount of emotional outpouring will make poetry that others want to read.  But again, you did well.

Now the not so good things:

Perhaps most important, your preoccupation with the message and the rhyming scheme has I suspect diverted you from what I think is one of the most important and exciting things a poet can do: bring freshness and originality to language.  There isn't a single phrase in this poem that I can honestly say grabs me and makes me want to yell "YESSS".  "Dark stillnesses", "darkness roaming", "overcoming fears", "gasping for air" - well really Christine, we've heard it all before, no?  The hard work of poetry is perhaps in invention, creativity.  The ability to think up new angles, new descriptions, even venturing into the downright weird or surreal.  This extends into the arena of connections, interest can be generated by suddenly seeing in an ordinary everyday experience some element that sheds light or a new take on some other aspect of life.  Take this poem by Beatrice Garland, where she projects the ordinary everyday action of undressing into a new and unexpected area:

Undressing

Like slipping stitches

or unmaking a bed

or rain from tiles,

they come tumbling off:

green dress, pale stockings,

loose silk Ė like mown grass

or blown roses,

subsiding in little heaps

and holding for a while

a faint perfume Ė soap,

warm skin Ė linking

these soft replicas of self.



And why stop there?

Why not like an animal,

a seed, a fruit, go on

to shed old layers of moult,

snakeskin, seed-husk, pelt

or hard green-walnut coat,

till all the roughnesses

of knocking age

are lost and something

soft, unshelled, unstained

emerges blinking

into open ground?



And perhaps in time

this slow undoing will arrive

at some imagined core,

some dense and green-white bud,

weightless, untouchable.

Yes. It will come,

that last let-fall of garment,

nerve, bright hair and bone Ė

the rest is earth,

casements of air,

close coverings of rain,

the casual sun.

.........

Perhaps you also notice something else about that poem Christine, and this is another area where your poem is a little weak.  Ms Garland's poem is absolutely chock full of images - so beautifully portrayed, and using elements from nearly all the human senses.  She uses many concrete nouns  - nouns which are things you can touch or feel or smell or hear or taste.  Look at your poem now.  It is by no means disastrous - believe me I have seen much much worse - but in places you tend to slip in to vague abstractions which your readers will probably not be able "see" very easily.  Your S2 (Stanza 2) is a case in point.  Have you heard the expression SHOW don't TELL in poetry?


Thirdly you are using regular end rhyme.  Nothing wrong with that in principle, and in fact you have done a great job of avoiding the usual beginners mistake of making rhyme all important and ending up with forced rhyme - a word  which is simply there to make the rhyme work.  For instance:

The lady wanted all his love
But all she got was a purple dove

Ridiculous isn't it.  Once again I'm really happy to see that you have the skill to avoid that pitfall.  However regular end rhyme without a regular metrical pattern rarely sounds good.  Your poem is effectively syllabic verse, every line having 9 syllables but without a recognisable stress pattern.  In my view it would probably have worked better without the end rhyme or the slant rhyme.  In any event if you haven't mastered blank verse it might be better to do so before venturing off into full rhyme.

Finally, punctuation!  What's going on there?  Or not going on!

In summary Christine, you clearly have a good grasp of poetic basics.  You'd benefit from working through a good textbook at this stage.  This one is fun and stimulating, and has some really great exercises:
http://www.amazon.com/Palm-Your-Hand-Portable-Workshop/dp/0884481492

I recommend you get it, if you haven't already, and read it from cover to cover doing all the exercises.  You'll improve tremendously.

Are you reading any contemporary poets?

M
freeand2sexy
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17 posted 02-18-2009 06:21 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Thank you so much for your critiques. Finally, I know what I'm doing wrong, and now I can fix that or learn how to.

About the regular metrical pattern, I'm trying to work on that right now, and that way it will go good with end rhyme, because to be honest I can barely force myself to read a poem in blank verse, let alone write one. Its probably my least favorite form of poetry along with free verse.

I'll also try to see if I can get that book, we don't really have money, but I'll try to convince my parents to buy it for me. Its not expensive at all, but my parents will probably argue that I could learn a lot of the same ideas on the internet.

I'm reading as much poems as I can get my hands on, but to be honest, I really pay no attention to the authors so I couldn't really give you names, since I can't remember them.


With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
turtle
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18 posted 02-18-2009 08:42 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi gals,    

I just want to butt in a sec to say that you, moonbeam, and blaze, are doing some
impressive critiques. Moonbeam, you have taken what I was trying to say in my
short, clumsy words and expressed them clearly and thoughtfully. Though I may not
agree with every reason behind what the two of you are pointing out, I whole
heartedly agree with your conclusions.

Free, you are getting some great help here and from more honest and caring hearts
than I've seen elsewhere on these poetry blogs. I also want to say that I agree with
your parents and there are hundreds of free web sites that can be found by simply
going to google and searching for "How to write poetry". It will take a little more effort
on your part to find a site that works for you, but at your age, an investment of time
will do much more for your writing than an investment of your parents money.

turtle    
freeand2sexy
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19 posted 02-18-2009 09:23 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Yeah, I've found 4 so far that I've read or am still reading.

It's helping me a lot.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

Essorant
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20 posted 02-18-2009 10:03 PM       View Profile for Essorant   Email Essorant   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Essorant's Home Page   View IP for Essorant

Most learning-resources on the internet, however, don't have the kind of quality that a good book does.  And that is usually because an exceptionally learned and very resourceful resource is known by the author to be so and being so is therefore something that he knows he worked on hard enough that he most likely would also wish to win a little money from in return, rather than just give it away for free to anyone on the internet.  There are some good learning-resources given away for free on the internet, but just as most things that are given away for free, they tend to be "cheaper" in quality.  Not only that, but if you seriously wish to study something, then it is best to do it chiefly away from the computer, where you may be free from the frivolous distractions and the need for some machine in order to study. Much more qualitiful, convenient, and energy-efficient, simply to use a good book.  


freeand2sexy
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21 posted 02-18-2009 10:21 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

I agree with that, but I would have bought a book a while ago, if my parents would pay for it, but at the moment they can't.

Do you think a public library would have such a book?


With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
Essorant
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22 posted 02-18-2009 11:03 PM       View Profile for Essorant   Email Essorant   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Essorant's Home Page   View IP for Essorant

Probably not, but it is worth a try.

But what kind of poetry are you interested in?  It may be better to look for a book more oriented toward certain aspects (such as meter and rhyme) if you care more about those, than other things if you may not be as intrested in them (such as freeverse and contemporariness).  From this poem it looks like you may be more interested in working on meter and rhyme.

freeand2sexy
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23 posted 02-18-2009 11:20 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Well, right now I'm more interested in meter and rhyme, I can't stand free verse. The forms of peotry I like reading and am hoping to learn how to write are terza rima, villanelles, ballads, and sonnets.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

moonbeam
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24 posted 02-19-2009 05:50 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

As usual Christine I mostly agree with Essorant on this.  It really would be worth a visit to the library I think, or maybe a local college or Uni would be able to help you out.

So which poets are you reading?

M
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