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Critical Analysis #2
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My home, my grave
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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My home, my grave |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
I’m reposting this from the teen poetry forum, after changing it a bit. I’m 17 and have been writing poems since I was 8 but only recently, about a couple months ago, I realized that I wanted to improve in my writing, and I’ve also realized that my poems are not as good as I thought, but actually quite horrible. I hope that I’m not wasting your time on this poem; I know that it isn’t as good as it could be or as good as a lot of the poems posted here, which I have read many of. It has taken me forever to get the courage to post a poem in this forum, but I’m ready to hear the truth, so don’t be afraid to be brutally honest (the harsher the better). Thank you so much for reading, and I am grateful for any critiques that you give me. I’ve been walking through this narrow cave Hollow, darkness roams through the damp air I wonder is this where I should stay To live without those who say they care Is this my escape or is this home Is this my fate, where I’m meant to be Where I overcome my fears, alone And live through my own insanity This could be all mine, right where I stand A place to leave my old life behind Finally, I’ll find out who I am In this lonesome cave I’ll have my time I sit in the dark stillness of day Crying painful tears I cannot see The consequence of running away Once thinking that this would set me free Now I wonder why the ground must shake Or why fear fills my body and soul Running, I stumble from my life’s quakes Realizing I’m stuck in my own home Were rocks of my dwelling meant to fall To suffocate me here where I lay Hidden from the world behind a wall Left to die with a sense of dismay Now how could anyone rescue me Stuck as I’m gasping for life and air Till the final moment that I breathe I’ll question if anyone will care That this, my own home, is now my grave With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life. |
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| © Copyright 2009 Christine Juarez - All Rights Reserved | |||
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Hi, Freeand2sexy, This is very good for your age and skill level. I've written much worse and at an older age. 17....... You are so lucky. I would trade every poem I've ever written to be 17.  To pick this poem apart would be pointless and cruel. Besides, I never answer a woman who askes me how I like her dress. I wrote poetry for many years that was just vent. Poetry that I would never share with anyone and would have no value to anyone, but me.....and that's debatable..... Right now, you are writing poetry about the things that you feel inside. That you can express your feelings, clearly and deeply, is a good thing and I know that venting your feelings is important. Someday soon, a young suitor will draw afoot and change those feelings. To write poetry well, requires investment. If I were contemplating putting my time into learning poetry, I would first want to weigh what it is I'm passionate about, my feelings, or poetry. If you simply want me to fix this poem,that would be easy. But, I would do you a much greater service to suggest poetry workshops and creative writing classes. turtle  Please pay toll at bottom of page: . . . . . . . . . . . . . /pip/Forum28/HTML/002419.html [This message has been edited by turtle (02-14-2009 09:23 PM).] |
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Monk Frost I! Member
since 2008-06-15
Posts 80 |
At your age you should continue writing for it will ease the pain! |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Hi Free, the subject of the poem has a personally disorder , that you have skillfully presented to us. Almost every line has nine syllables and I don’t think that could be a coincidences. I didn’t scan the metrical forms, I’m to lazy and dumb. Anyhow I found this poet that says the forms can be mixed, and I wouldn’t leave home without him . I liked the poem |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“At your age you should continue writing for it will ease the pain!” Hi Monk, why do you assume that the poet is in pain ? Maybe it’s just a poem . |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
I'm not sure why people always assume what I write is about me, but I guess people especially teens normally do write about how they feel and/or their experiences. Yes I do at times write about myself, but believe it or not, most of my poems are not about me. For some reason I like writing about others and their feelings/experience. This poem, if you could call it that, wasn't me venting. Though I did put a part of me in it, I can't say that I actually feel this way. Though it is in 1st person, I wasn’t trying to portray myself. I was trying to show someone -who pushes people away, to be alone -who thinks that they are better off living in the dark unaware of others, as they also are unaware of him/her. -who realizes that being alone isn’t so great, yet realizes it, too late. I wanted to show how life can be death at the same time. That just because you’re breathing doesn’t mean your living. That people who think they don’t need anyone, that they can live life on their own without any help, are just killing themselves, and by the time they realize it, it could be too late for them to get out of. Their life becomes death. I do understand that I have a lot of work ahead of me to become better; I thank you guys for wasting your time reading my poem and for your responses. Though I was expecting something a bit more cruel and harsh, I see there’s no point, but maybe next time. And Turtle, I have to say that I’m equally passionate about poetry and the feelings of others. My feelings? Well, I like to toss them aside. With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Quote: "For some reason I like writing about others and their feelings/experience". But free? That may be the point, I think. This poem is in first person. It reads like teen angst, you are a teen and you're telling the reader: I wonder is this where I should stay The consequence of running away Once thinking that this would set me free Hidden from the world behind a wall These are the thoughts and feelings of a teenager, not someone in years. If you want to try and fix this poem. Then put it in the person of an elderly man/woman: Go and search the internet and see how the elderly think and feel. Here are some suggestions for S1: This could be all mine, right where I stand (He made his stand right where he stood) A place to leave my old life behind (And chose to leave past lives behind) Finally, I’ll find out who I am (At last he'd find out, if he could,) In this lonesome cave I’ll have my time (Why lonesome caves should bide his time.) Don't be too discouraged, you're closer to getting this right than others. |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
Turtle, You're right, these are the thoughts and feelings of a teenager, I guess what I was trying to say was just, that it wasn't about me, and when I said someone, I didn't mean someone elderly. Again I confuse myself as well as others. Thanks for your help, and no worries, nothing can discourage me. With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Turtle , are you nuts ? |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
What do you mean chops?  |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“What do you mean Chops “ I don’t mean anything. I am going to ask everybody on this forum are they nuts and you just happen to be first. This is what made you first : “If you want to try and fix this poem. Then put it in the person of an elderly man/woman: Go and search the internet and see how the elderly think and feel.” Turtle this is the IN-TER-NET . You can find almost anything on here but how people feel . As many quotes that say life begins at forty just as many will say its over at forty. Anybody that pushes people away to live in a cave has a disorder, no matter the age. I didn’t think Free was writing about her self, but maybe a friend or family member like her elderly grandmother. So, are you nuts ? |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Quote: "Turtle this is the IN-TER-NET . You can find almost anything on here but how people feel ". Yes, I see, I'm not making myself clear. I recently read a poem, written by an elderly woman that expressed very well how she and others of her age feel. I could go to the Alley Forum and read the posts to see how other people feel. I could read a story that shows how a character feels. I should have said: Examine other peoples writings, that are of the age appropriate to the storyline, and see what feelings they are expressing. I don't think anyone could know another's deepest feelings, but then, I would think that is a given. I'm sure that "nuts" is still up in the air, but in this case I probably just didn't explain myself well. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ I recently read a poem, written by an elderly woman that expressed very well how she and others of her age feel. “ Contra Punctur : I can find a poem that is inverted proportionally to the poem that you read recently, but what does that prove . Maybe the papers I got from that mental hospital were forged and I’m just as nutty as I ever was . |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Some of the best sleep I've ever gotten was in high school English. lol I don't recommend it. This stuff is much harder to learn at an older age and it still shows up in my writing. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ This stuff is much harder to learn at an older age “ Turtle, I will not take advantage of your youth and inexperience in life. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Christine This has distinct positives and negatives. The positives first: You write clearly and well with few glaring grammatical errors and no spelling mistakes - and believe me, those count for a lot in these days where speed and expediency seem to outweigh care and accuracy. Also you lead off with a strong and easily grasped metaphor, i.e. the use of a cave to represent the place of the speaker's mind. That in itself shows a considerable grasp of a vital poetic device, but encouragingly, you manage to maintain the metaphor to the end of the poem and to use related language - the references to quakes and rocks for instance, which add strength and consistency to your central theme. All too often poets have a tendency to simply throw what they regard as clever similes or metaphors at poem in such profusion that the writing just becomes muddled. You haven't done that; good work. Finally on the positives, you have a message. There was a point to the poem. Perhaps some might say it is quite a frequently written about theme, but I think that the main thing is that it appears that you sat down and thought about what you were going to write before you got going. So at this stage in your writing I'd say that it doesn't matter too much what the message is, as long as you become accustomed to thinking through what you want to say instead of just jotting down random thoughts. People are fond of saying that true poetry is from the heart, and this may be true, but it sure as hell isn't the heart that transfers that poetry to the page - it's your mind, and your skill as a poet. Without that skill and thought no amount of emotional outpouring will make poetry that others want to read. But again, you did well. Now the not so good things: Perhaps most important, your preoccupation with the message and the rhyming scheme has I suspect diverted you from what I think is one of the most important and exciting things a poet can do: bring freshness and originality to language. There isn't a single phrase in this poem that I can honestly say grabs me and makes me want to yell "YESSS". "Dark stillnesses", "darkness roaming", "overcoming fears", "gasping for air" - well really Christine, we've heard it all before, no? The hard work of poetry is perhaps in invention, creativity. The ability to think up new angles, new descriptions, even venturing into the downright weird or surreal. This extends into the arena of connections, interest can be generated by suddenly seeing in an ordinary everyday experience some element that sheds light or a new take on some other aspect of life. Take this poem by Beatrice Garland, where she projects the ordinary everyday action of undressing into a new and unexpected area: Undressing Like slipping stitches or unmaking a bed or rain from tiles, they come tumbling off: green dress, pale stockings, loose silk – like mown grass or blown roses, subsiding in little heaps and holding for a while a faint perfume – soap, warm skin – linking these soft replicas of self. And why stop there? Why not like an animal, a seed, a fruit, go on to shed old layers of moult, snakeskin, seed-husk, pelt or hard green-walnut coat, till all the roughnesses of knocking age are lost and something soft, unshelled, unstained emerges blinking into open ground? And perhaps in time this slow undoing will arrive at some imagined core, some dense and green-white bud, weightless, untouchable. Yes. It will come, that last let-fall of garment, nerve, bright hair and bone – the rest is earth, casements of air, close coverings of rain, the casual sun. ......... Perhaps you also notice something else about that poem Christine, and this is another area where your poem is a little weak. Ms Garland's poem is absolutely chock full of images - so beautifully portrayed, and using elements from nearly all the human senses. She uses many concrete nouns - nouns which are things you can touch or feel or smell or hear or taste. Look at your poem now. It is by no means disastrous - believe me I have seen much much worse - but in places you tend to slip in to vague abstractions which your readers will probably not be able "see" very easily. Your S2 (Stanza 2) is a case in point. Have you heard the expression SHOW don't TELL in poetry? Thirdly you are using regular end rhyme. Nothing wrong with that in principle, and in fact you have done a great job of avoiding the usual beginners mistake of making rhyme all important and ending up with forced rhyme - a word which is simply there to make the rhyme work. For instance: The lady wanted all his love But all she got was a purple dove Ridiculous isn't it. Once again I'm really happy to see that you have the skill to avoid that pitfall. However regular end rhyme without a regular metrical pattern rarely sounds good. Your poem is effectively syllabic verse, every line having 9 syllables but without a recognisable stress pattern. In my view it would probably have worked better without the end rhyme or the slant rhyme. In any event if you haven't mastered blank verse it might be better to do so before venturing off into full rhyme. Finally, punctuation! What's going on there? Or not going on! In summary Christine, you clearly have a good grasp of poetic basics. You'd benefit from working through a good textbook at this stage. This one is fun and stimulating, and has some really great exercises: http://www.amazon.com/Palm-Your-Hand-Portable-Workshop/dp/0884481492 I recommend you get it, if you haven't already, and read it from cover to cover doing all the exercises. You'll improve tremendously. Are you reading any contemporary poets? M |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
Thank you so much for your critiques. Finally, I know what I'm doing wrong, and now I can fix that or learn how to. About the regular metrical pattern, I'm trying to work on that right now, and that way it will go good with end rhyme, because to be honest I can barely force myself to read a poem in blank verse, let alone write one. Its probably my least favorite form of poetry along with free verse. I'll also try to see if I can get that book, we don't really have money, but I'll try to convince my parents to buy it for me. Its not expensive at all, but my parents will probably argue that I could learn a lot of the same ideas on the internet. I'm reading as much poems as I can get my hands on, but to be honest, I really pay no attention to the authors so I couldn't really give you names, since I can't remember them. With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Hi gals, I just want to butt in a sec to say that you, moonbeam, and blaze, are doing some impressive critiques. Moonbeam, you have taken what I was trying to say in my short, clumsy words and expressed them clearly and thoughtfully. Though I may not agree with every reason behind what the two of you are pointing out, I whole heartedly agree with your conclusions. Free, you are getting some great help here and from more honest and caring hearts than I've seen elsewhere on these poetry blogs. I also want to say that I agree with your parents and there are hundreds of free web sites that can be found by simply going to google and searching for "How to write poetry". It will take a little more effort on your part to find a site that works for you, but at your age, an investment of time will do much more for your writing than an investment of your parents money. turtle |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
Yeah, I've found 4 so far that I've read or am still reading. It's helping me a lot. With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Most learning-resources on the internet, however, don't have the kind of quality that a good book does. And that is usually because an exceptionally learned and very resourceful resource is known by the author to be so and being so is therefore something that he knows he worked on hard enough that he most likely would also wish to win a little money from in return, rather than just give it away for free to anyone on the internet. There are some good learning-resources given away for free on the internet, but just as most things that are given away for free, they tend to be "cheaper" in quality. Not only that, but if you seriously wish to study something, then it is best to do it chiefly away from the computer, where you may be free from the frivolous distractions and the need for some machine in order to study. Much more qualitiful, convenient, and energy-efficient, simply to use a good book. |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
I agree with that, but I would have bought a book a while ago, if my parents would pay for it, but at the moment they can't. Do you think a public library would have such a book? With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Probably not, but it is worth a try. But what kind of poetry are you interested in? It may be better to look for a book more oriented toward certain aspects (such as meter and rhyme) if you care more about those, than other things if you may not be as intrested in them (such as freeverse and contemporariness). From this poem it looks like you may be more interested in working on meter and rhyme. |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
Well, right now I'm more interested in meter and rhyme, I can't stand free verse. The forms of peotry I like reading and am hoping to learn how to write are terza rima, villanelles, ballads, and sonnets. With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
As usual Christine I mostly agree with Essorant on this. It really would be worth a visit to the library I think, or maybe a local college or Uni would be able to help you out. So which poets are you reading? M |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ I can’t stand free verse “ Good morning Free, I kind of like that way of thinking. “ I'll also try to see if I can get that book, we don't really have money, but I'll try to convince my parents to buy it for me. “ I wonder what part of that sentence they don’t understand. Anyhow there is some good help on here if it happens to come along. They won’t tell you to go buy a book, they’ll tell you what’s in that book. However, if you could, have your parents get you a poetry tutor. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Though it is in 1st person, I wasn’t trying to portray myself. I was trying to show someone -who pushes people away, to be alone -who thinks that they are better off living in the dark unaware of others, as they also are unaware of him/her. -who realizes that being alone isn’t so great, yet realizes it, too late.” It may be time again to point out what the poem was about. I think you did a good job showing that. |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
Thank you, A poetry tutor? Hey if I find one that will do it for free, than sure, but otherwise I know I'm going to have to wait on that one. With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ A poetry tutor? “ Either that or a puppy. I was joking about a tutor |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
quote: That is good to know, because we may keep more focus on those things when commenting on your poetry. Hopefully you may find a good book that deals with meter at the library because it is much more difficult to deal with than almost any other aspect of poetry, but personally, I think it is also one of the most rewarding after learning it. One book I often recommend is Derek Attridge's Poetic Rhythm, a great help for studying meter. quote: Aren't we the free poetry tutors? |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
I guess you guys are. Thanks for recommending that book. I'll probably be posting a (horrible)blank verse with 50 lines (which was assiged by Moonbeam) either today or tomorrow. It's more of a practice to get use to using meter. With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Aren't we the free poetry tutors?” Essorant, you certainly are free, but let me explain : I was just expounding on your expounding and that makes it a double expound and as the poet said, “You know what that means. “ " I can't stand free verse " Free, that is good to know, because I will keep more focus on those things and that is not just a maybe. |
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