I was trying to be diplomatic. Like many, I have a harder time fixing my own poetry than I do others.
I think, perhaps, that is the problem here.
A little trick I learned from an old girlfriend is to print, or write
a poem out in the form of a letter. For me, and others, this helps to show where there is a problem with
context and clarity.
Context and clarity are the main problems with this poem. Here:
"He came home and didn't find her, Did not recognize her voice amidst the silence. It was his absence forging onward as violence, It was this weight that she climbed with. The friend but all at once the lover is foe, Bonds made in distance, betrayed by quotes. He laid by the coats, the layers she removed, And as he cut, he cried, for her heart was bruised. Unlikely to see her face again, know her touch; Life can be sad, but life is such. Life is such that it is all we live for. A relation up in flames, where passion has burnt out; Kisses goodbye said by note and not mouth. Never said at all, we never wanted to lie."
Notice that in S1L1 you say "didn't find her". If she is not there, why would he expext to hear her voice?
S1L1 makes S1L2 completely superfluous. If when he first came home and didn't hear her voice, he might then look for her.
In the next line, S1L3 you say "his absence" (Don't explain, I understand what you're trying to do) This does not work for the reader. The subject for this strophe is her and what she does or doesn't do. By going back to "her" in the next line, makes this line stand out like a sore thumb.
In S2L1, you should be starting a new strophe, but "It was this weight that she climbed with." is a continuation of the first strophe. This means you have no subject on which to build a complete thought; that shows up in the next sentence that is not a sentence because you have no subject to base it on.
If anyone that is a reader of poetry got as far as S2L2 they would definitly stop reading here. That is because the presentation is extremely awkward, when it would be so easy to make this clear.
"The friend but all at once the lover is foe,"
"The lover, once a friend, is now the foe."
From this point on, it gets worse with perhaps the exception being:
"Life can be sad, but life is such. Life is such that it is all we live for."
The only thing in the entire poem that really makes any sense.
Syn, I still say, get into a poetry workshop.