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Passions in Poetry

In A Nutshell

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synthetic
Member
since 06-10-2006
Posts 62
ontario, canada


0 posted 02-09-2009 12:32 AM       View Profile for synthetic   Email synthetic   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for synthetic

He came home and didn't find her,
Did not recognize her voice amidst the silence.
It was his absence forging onward as violence,
It was this weight that she climbed with.

The friend but all at once the lover is foe,
Bonds made in distance, betrayed by quotes.
He laid by the coats, the layers she removed,
And as he cut, he cried, for her heart was bruised.

Unlikely to see her face again, know her touch;
Life can be sad, but life is such.
Life is such that it is all we live for.

A relation up in flames, where passion has burnt out;
Kisses goodbye said by note and not mouth.
Never said at all, we never wanted to lie.
© Copyright 2009 luc - All Rights Reserved
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


1 posted 02-09-2009 02:03 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi synthetic,

Not sure what you're looking for here???  How long have you been
writing poetry? Are you posting elsewhere on these poetry blogs?
What are others telling you about your writing? Have you tried any
poetry wokshops?


I try to give people my honest opinion and if you're posting in a critical forum,
I assume you are looking for help. Unfortunatly, I don't see an improvement
over the last post of yours I commented on. I think the best advise I could
give, would be to find a poetry workshop where you can get some help
with your writing skills.

There is no malice intended toward you here Synthetic. I do try to help
folks where I can, and my opinion should only be construed as my opinion.

turtle
synthetic
Member
since 06-10-2006
Posts 62
ontario, canada


2 posted 02-11-2009 08:14 PM       View Profile for synthetic   Email synthetic   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for synthetic

Turtle, what's your problem?

I'm just kidding... I haven't written anything new since I've started posting here again. In all honesty, I'm going through certain pieces that I've written over the recent past and posting them here to see what you seasoned writers/poets have to say. I'm only 21, never been in a workshop, taken any classes, etc. So I'm well aware that work needs to be done; I'm just trying to use your constructive criticism, as well as many others to help pinpoint what common technical flaws I might have.

So in all honesty, the criticism wasn't harsh enough! Tear it apart, make me want to give up, so I come back with something better to show you up! lol

thx
synthetic
Member
since 06-10-2006
Posts 62
ontario, canada


3 posted 02-11-2009 08:16 PM       View Profile for synthetic   Email synthetic   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for synthetic

p.s. Others like it very much - but they aren't writers... they're spectators. I love the art, so it goes beyond applause and displays of appreciation... that's where people like you come in! And I did post on a blog of mine... but that's about it!
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


4 posted 02-11-2009 10:00 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

sorry syn,

I was trying to be diplomatic. Like many, I have a harder time fixing my own poetry than I do others.
I think, perhaps, that is the problem here.

A little trick I learned from an old girlfriend is to print, or write
a poem out in the form of a letter. For me, and others, this helps to show where there is a problem with
context and clarity.

Context and clarity are the main problems with this poem. Here:

"He came home and didn't find her, Did not recognize her voice amidst the silence. It was his absence forging onward as violence, It was this weight that she climbed with. The friend but all at once the lover is foe, Bonds made in distance, betrayed by quotes. He laid by the coats, the layers she removed, And as he cut, he cried, for her heart was bruised. Unlikely to see her face again, know her touch; Life can be sad, but life is such. Life is such that it is all we live for. A relation up in flames, where passion has burnt out; Kisses goodbye said by note and not mouth. Never said at all, we never wanted to lie."

Notice that in S1L1 you say "didn't find her". If she is not there, why would he expext to hear her voice?

S1L1 makes S1L2 completely superfluous. If when he first came home and didn't hear her voice, he might then look for her.

In the next line, S1L3 you say "his absence" (Don't explain, I understand what you're trying to do) This does not work for the reader. The subject for this strophe is her and what she does or doesn't do. By going back to "her" in the next line, makes this line stand out like a sore thumb.

In S2L1, you should be starting a new strophe, but "It was this weight that she climbed with." is a continuation of the first strophe. This means you have no subject on which to build a complete thought; that shows up in the next sentence that is not a sentence because you have no subject to base it on.

If anyone that is a reader of poetry got as far as S2L2 they would definitly stop reading here. That is because the presentation is extremely awkward, when it would be so easy to make this clear.

"The friend but all at once the lover is foe,"

Why not?

"The lover, once a friend, is now the foe."

From this point on, it gets worse with perhaps the exception being:

"Life can be sad, but life is such. Life is such that it is all we live for."

The only thing in the entire poem that really makes any sense.

Syn, I still say, get into a poetry workshop.

turtle  
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


5 posted 02-13-2009 03:07 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi synthetic,

I wanted to come back here to apologize. Sometimes I will economize on my use of words to make a point and come off sounding abrupt, or offensive. It usually has nothing to do with whom I'm writing to, I may have something in mind I think is more important that I want to move on to. I may be making breakfast and it's time to turn the eggs. What I meant to say was: You probably don't need to explain, I think you're trying to write irony, but it's just not coming out that way, or at least it's not for me.

Let's see, if I wanted to write using irony, what would I do? Heck synthetic, this is the internet. I could go to google and search for irony. I could use wikipedia to get some backgound and understanding of irony. I could read poems and stories and jokes that use irony, I could pay attention to, not only what is being said, but how a writer is using it.

I don't think irony is coming home and not finding someone and then not hearing their voice. I think it would be more like hearing someone's voice and then finding they're not there.

turtle  
synthetic
Member
since 06-10-2006
Posts 62
ontario, canada


6 posted 02-14-2009 04:10 AM       View Profile for synthetic   Email synthetic   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for synthetic

Believe me when I say Turtle; no word of yours is falling on deaf ears. I really appreciate it, and don't worry about coming off harsh - the road to improvement is seldom peachy and mostly negative in feedback. I know that you're only one voice, but I do aim to please a global audience (unlikely yes, but it's what I strive for)... so I'll attempt to work this into my new stuff... making it more efficient, and a touch more clear.

If you don't mind me asking Turtle, how long have you been writing for?
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


7 posted 02-14-2009 03:18 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

thirty years
 
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