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Passions in Poetry

Let Suns Fall

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ronald might
Junior Member
since 06-05-2008
Posts 19


0 posted 01-26-2009 03:57 AM       View Profile for ronald might   Email ronald might   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ronald might


Let suns rise,
let moons melt.

The spin of the universe halts,
oceans no longer are oceans,
he has a trick, a frolicsome one,
to place the heavens below and earth above.
The heat feels cold,
the chill of the wind burns.
Animals are sober and sane,
demented man chuckle and weep.
They wonder at the rise of the suns
and the fall of the moons.

But my eyes are unwavering,
constant and still.
With each breath draws the scent,
sweet cigarettes and scotch.
And the rememberance of old.
I stand tall, blazing gold chest on the upright!
The shuffle, our battle hymn!
steam dispels from my body
seemingly my soul is taken away.
But no, with every drum of your heart
I feel
my soul stays
unfaltering

Covered the crimson horizon they did,
as they staggered with arched backs,
the earth trembles beneath
though them eyes was scourged,
their gaze darker than black,
a hollow and senseless picture,
yet in our hearts, dynamis.
You asked for a cigarette to ease the breeze of fear.
I didn't want to smoke.

There were we
in our phalanx of twenty.
The cyclone whistle through our forest of spears
which sang the sweet tune which only you and i loved.

There we were,
front ranks at the right flank.
My shield falls and stand with me.
Never will i let you out of her shelter.
True as the passing suns, tender as falling moons
with a walk, the bronze rang,
a slight trot, the steel in our soul sang
and the final sprint.
The beautiful death
© Copyright 2009 ronald might - All Rights Reserved
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


1 posted 01-27-2009 03:54 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi ronald,

I take it this is intended as contradictory psycho-babble as a universe doesn't spin, moons don't melt etc. You have a couple of free verse elements, tension and release. S1L3, "he" should be capitalized, otherwise the line makes no sense. You need to work on your flow of thought and punctuation. You seem to be jumping from one unrelated thought to another.

Example: How does " the chill of the wind burns" relate to the next line, "Animals are sober and sane," which doesn't relate to the next line in the very same sentence, "demented man chuckle and weep."???

There is one strophe I did like S5 Here is that strophe corrected grammatically.

There (we were,)
in our phalanx of twenty.
The cyclone (whistled) through our forest of spears(,)
which sang the sweet tune (that) only you and (I) loved.


Turtle
 
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