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Passions in Poetry

Flat lined

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stargal
Senior Member
since 03-06-2006
Posts 1350
OR USA


0 posted 01-09-2009 06:45 PM       View Profile for stargal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for stargal


The emotion was gone
as if I had flat lined on a screen
unnoticed in the back room.

Each breath a ghost
pain echo of a thump
in my chest.

Watch my attempt
at CPR-- unable to jolt
myself to waking.
© Copyright 2009 stargal - All Rights Reserved
RC Langill
Member
since 03-09-2008
Posts 93


1 posted 01-10-2009 02:18 PM       View Profile for RC Langill   Email RC Langill   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit RC Langill's Home Page   View IP for RC Langill

The first stanza conveys the moment very strongly. It's a moment I've experienced all too often.

The second stanza does build thematically on the first, but the mechanics aren't as good. I stumble a bit reading "ghost pain echo of". Trimming could help. If you choose to work on this part, you might also find that a "thump to my chest" makes a stronger tie-in to CPR in third stanza.

The third stanza closes things out.
quote:
Watch my attempt
at CPR-- unable to jolt
myself to waking.
It works pretty well, but I feel some discontinuity in the voice. "Watch my attempt" addresses the reader very directly, but I feel a break rather than a transition at "unable to jolt". It could be something as small as rearranging the line breaks could help.

Overall, this piece works, as is, but I feel that it's likely that if you revisit it, you'll find you can make some improvements.
oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 02-24-2007
Posts 1007
Santa Monica, California, USA


2 posted 01-14-2009 12:36 AM       View Profile for oceanvu2   Email oceanvu2   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for oceanvu2

Hi!  Unlike RC, I think, I read this as a powerful metaphor for lost love, not a cardiac arrest, or maybe yes, a cardiac arrest!

I love it, and think it might benefit from a resolution, or non-resolution as in

"Watch my attempt
at CPR-- to jolt
myself to waking.

Adds a note of defiance.

Best, Jimbeaux


stargal
Senior Member
since 03-06-2006
Posts 1350
OR USA


3 posted 01-15-2009 01:22 AM       View Profile for stargal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for stargal

RC, I wrote this poem about a year ago and I am still unsatisfied with the 2nd stanza. I think your idea is good but it is not quite what I'm trying to convey. Thank you for taking the time to comment though; it is always appreciated.


Jim, I agree, a resolution seems to stabilize the ending stanza as well as give it that extra flair of defiance. Thank you.
synthetic
Member
since 06-10-2006
Posts 62
ontario, canada


4 posted 01-29-2009 04:27 AM       View Profile for synthetic   Email synthetic   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for synthetic

Hi Stargal, it's good to be back and see that you're still posting!

In regards to this particular piece; very weird to me. I might be seeing too much, or simply looking in the absolutely wrong direction - but I find it to be one of those "great things do come in small packages" kind of deal. I'll explain why: the first stanza in my opinion is indeed the most striking one of the three; yet the happening you're speaking of I don't believe is more impacting than the message in the final stanza. What I am essentially trying to say is I find a lot of value in this, because it's as though the story is being told forwards, but the moving force is being told backwards - and it's unsettling, which would make perfect sense, seeing as the entire experience of the event is also unsettling. It takes you away to bring you back home!

In any case, let me know if that makes any sense to you or if I should just lay off of my coffee!

Take care.
stargal
Senior Member
since 03-06-2006
Posts 1350
OR USA


5 posted 02-10-2009 12:16 AM       View Profile for stargal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for stargal

Synthetic,

"but I find it to be one of those "great things do come in small packages" kind of deal"

What a nice compliment, one of the best I've had. Thank you.

I am afraid you do have one up on me though, in that you know who I am but my faulty memory doesn't remember you... I do know you? Must be the coffee damaging my brain cells! Not that anyone should ever, EVER give it up.
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


6 posted 02-10-2009 01:37 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi stargal.

Hmmmm. Yes it is a little difficult isn't it?


Each breath a ghost
pain echos as a thump
inside my chest



This would clarify it for me, but it would depend on how you intend the strophe


Turtle
 
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