The first stanza conveys the moment very strongly. It's a moment I've experienced all too often.
The second stanza does build thematically on the first, but the mechanics aren't as good. I stumble a bit reading "ghost pain echo of". Trimming could help. If you choose to work on this part, you might also find that a "thump to my chest" makes a stronger tie-in to CPR in third stanza.
The third stanza closes things out.
quote:Watch my attempt at CPR-- unable to jolt myself to waking.
It works pretty well, but I feel some discontinuity in the voice. "Watch my attempt" addresses the reader very directly, but I feel a break rather than a transition at "unable to jolt". It could be something as small as rearranging the line breaks could help.
Overall, this piece works, as is, but I feel that it's likely that if you revisit it, you'll find you can make some improvements.
Santa Monica, California, USA
RC, I wrote this poem about a year ago and I am still unsatisfied with the 2nd stanza. I think your idea is good but it is not quite what I'm trying to convey. Thank you for taking the time to comment though; it is always appreciated.
Jim, I agree, a resolution seems to stabilize the ending stanza as well as give it that extra flair of defiance. Thank you.
Hi Stargal, it's good to be back and see that you're still posting!
In regards to this particular piece; very weird to me. I might be seeing too much, or simply looking in the absolutely wrong direction - but I find it to be one of those "great things do come in small packages" kind of deal. I'll explain why: the first stanza in my opinion is indeed the most striking one of the three; yet the happening you're speaking of I don't believe is more impacting than the message in the final stanza. What I am essentially trying to say is I find a lot of value in this, because it's as though the story is being told forwards, but the moving force is being told backwards - and it's unsettling, which would make perfect sense, seeing as the entire experience of the event is also unsettling. It takes you away to bring you back home!
In any case, let me know if that makes any sense to you or if I should just lay off of my coffee!
"but I find it to be one of those "great things do come in small packages" kind of deal"
What a nice compliment, one of the best I've had. Thank you.
I am afraid you do have one up on me though, in that you know who I am but my faulty memory doesn't remember you... I do know you? Must be the coffee damaging my brain cells! Not that anyone should ever, EVER give it up.