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Passions in Poetry

heaven fade away

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free soul
New Member
since 01-09-2009
[First Post] 6
between the sky and earth


0 posted 01-09-2009 12:59 PM       View Profile for free soul   Email free soul   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for free soul

how did darkness sorround me,
when my light was around me,
how did heaven fade away,
when my tears did allways pray,

i strive within my heart to feel the hope,
i struggle in the dark for a shining ray,
there was a time when love could not stop,
when promises declared that you are to stay,
where are you now that you've left me lost in the fog,how can i cry..what can i say,
i ask myself questions around the clock,
but no voice answers back through the night,or day,

how did darkness sorround me,
when my light was around me,
how did heaven fade away,
when my tears did allways pray,

i hold my broken dreams in search of doors to knock,
and desperation grows upon me all the way,
i long to loose the heaviness on my shoulders and as cold rain i drop,
but then again,where can i rest,where can i lay.

by parveen aslam.
nickname: free soul.
© Copyright 2009 parveen aslam - All Rights Reserved
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


1 posted 01-10-2009 09:17 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Hi Free Soul, I know that their are poets today that think it is cool not to capitalized the personal
pronoun  I , but I am not one of them . ( Hell Iím not even a poet )

The poem may have looked better if you had not used any punctuation at all .

Line nine should have been line nine and ten.

Excuse me someone is at the door

free soul
New Member
since 01-09-2009
Posts 6
between the sky and earth


2 posted 01-23-2009 06:41 AM       View Profile for free soul   Email free soul   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for free soul

Hi chopstick,hope you,re doing great..i was hoping you would tell me more about my poem..i needed your opinion about the words and the thoughts of it ..
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


3 posted 01-23-2009 07:55 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

ď i needed your opinion about the words and the thoughts of it .. ď

Hi Free Soul, I did the best I could with the tools I have. When the good lord said have a tool, I said no thanks Iíll just be a fool and there are at least twelve folks on here that will back me up on that .

Now about the thoughts : I couldnít tell if you were talking to a lost love or what, but at anyhow I donít think anybody was listening.

I hope this helps
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


4 posted 01-23-2009 12:07 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi Free soul,

You have a good rhythm going on here. Your theme is also strong, though the message could flow better with some closer attention to consistency. For example: in the first stanza, line 4 "tears did always pray" does not relate well to the rest of the stanza and the inversion makes the line feel forced.

Stanzas need to be consistant S2 should be 2 four line stanzas. There are a couple misspelled words "allways,  sorround".  I suggest you try to find other words to use for "dark" or "darkness". Using it 3 times in three stanzas seems repetitious. I think this poem might have more impact if you swapped the last two stanzas.

Here are a few changes in parenthesis intended as an example of where you could make improvements.

How did (the) darkness (surround) me
when my light was (all) around me(?)
How did (your) heaven fade away
(from heartfelt) tears, (as I would) pray(?)

(I) strive (in) my heart to feel the hope(.)
(I) struggle (at night) for a shining ray(.)
(In times) when love could not stop,
your (words) declared that you (would) stay,

Where are you now that (I'm) lost in fog(?)
How can I cry(?) What can I say(?)
I ask myself questions around the clock,
but no voice answers (both) night (and) day(.)

(In) broken dreams, (on) doors (I) knock,
(as despair fills) me all the way.
(The weight) on shoulders as cold rain drops(.)
(How) can (I) rest(?) Where can (I) lay(?)

How did (the) darkness (surround) me
when my light was (all) around me(?)
How did (your) heaven fade away
(from heartfelt) tears, (as I would) pray(?)

I think, with some work, this could be a very powerful and touching poem.

Turtle
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