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Critical Analysis #2
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acsin92
New Member
since 2009-01-08
Posts 7


0 posted 2009-01-09 09:17 AM



Hi! I'm new here at pipTalk, and I was just wondering if anyone would be nice to admonish my poem here. I just want to know what you guys think about it. Thanks in advance, and oh, if you would be kind to finish it off too. It really needs to begin (the last line) with a letter O, or else it would ruin the message. Thanks agaiN!
"A Poem with Its Own Name"

Kindle my passion once more
Enclose me in your depraved heart
Indeed mistakes from the past torn us apart
Though it may seem over
Hollow lies make me ponder

Pleasures from dark encounters
Enlighten us by enigmatic ideal
Rising from the sinister abyss
Each and every movement was not missed
Zephyr winds wrapped us in this foggy mist

Don’t leave for nothing
Open your eyes for something
Never cease remembering

Though we fell that easy
Goodbyes said will be undone
O

Never say never.

© Copyright 2009 alexis trinidad - All Rights Reserved
oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA
1 posted 2009-01-14 12:46 PM


Hi -- Well, the poem is pretty God Awful on any level, and this is not the place where you ask people to rewrite or finish stuff.

It never fails to amaze me how many people miss the point of this particular Forum.

Which doesn't mean you aren't a beautiful person and wonderful human being.

Best, Jimbeaux

acsin92
New Member
since 2009-01-08
Posts 7

2 posted 2009-01-14 09:47 PM


Actually, I thought it wouldn't be nice to finish the poem like that. Moreover, I already finished the poem myself, and I just forgot that I had one post here.

Here's the complete poem:

Kindle my passion once more
Enclose me in your depraved heart
Indeed mistakes from the past torn us apart
Though it may seem over
Hollow lies make me ponder

Pleasures from dark encounters
Enlighten us by enigmatic ideal
Rising from the sinister abyss
Each and every movement was not missed
Zephyr winds wrapped us in this foggy mist

Don’t leave for nothing
Open your eyes for something
Never cease remembering

Though we fell that easy
Goodbyes said will be undone
One truth, the games has just begun

Never say never.

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
3 posted 2009-01-15 10:43 AM


Hi 92 , I would like to ruin the poem by finishing it with a different vowel, using a word starting with the letter I.

Though we fell that easy
Goodbyes said will be undone
In truth, the games has just begun



Grinch
Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929
Whoville
4 posted 2009-01-15 01:38 PM



I went through an acrostic phase a few years back - the problem is that they can easily lead you into the trap of bending language and grammar to match the message, but once you understand that, and to some extent accept it, they’re kinda fun to write.


oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA
5 posted 2009-01-15 07:30 PM


Hi Grinch:  This poem seems less like an acrostic than a confusion.  Of course, I'm dense.

I was looking for a convoluted metaphor in this poem.  Didn't find one.  

Best, Jimbeaux

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