How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Critical Analysis #2 Archive
 Need some criticisms here.
 1 2 3 4 5
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Need some criticisms here.

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
acsin92
New Member
since 01-08-2009
Posts 7


0 posted 01-09-2009 09:17 AM       View Profile for acsin92   Email acsin92   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for acsin92


Hi! I'm new here at pipTalk, and I was just wondering if anyone would be nice to admonish my poem here. I just want to know what you guys think about it. Thanks in advance, and oh, if you would be kind to finish it off too. It really needs to begin (the last line) with a letter O, or else it would ruin the message. Thanks agaiN!
"A Poem with Its Own Name"

Kindle my passion once more
Enclose me in your depraved heart
Indeed mistakes from the past torn us apart
Though it may seem over
Hollow lies make me ponder

Pleasures from dark encounters
Enlighten us by enigmatic ideal
Rising from the sinister abyss
Each and every movement was not missed
Zephyr winds wrapped us in this foggy mist

Donít leave for nothing
Open your eyes for something
Never cease remembering

Though we fell that easy
Goodbyes said will be undone
O

Never say never.

© Copyright 2009 alexis trinidad - All Rights Reserved
oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 02-24-2007
Posts 1007
Santa Monica, California, USA


1 posted 01-14-2009 12:46 AM       View Profile for oceanvu2   Email oceanvu2   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for oceanvu2

Hi -- Well, the poem is pretty God Awful on any level, and this is not the place where you ask people to rewrite or finish stuff.

It never fails to amaze me how many people miss the point of this particular Forum.

Which doesn't mean you aren't a beautiful person and wonderful human being.

Best, Jimbeaux
acsin92
New Member
since 01-08-2009
Posts 7


2 posted 01-14-2009 09:47 PM       View Profile for acsin92   Email acsin92   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for acsin92

Actually, I thought it wouldn't be nice to finish the poem like that. Moreover, I already finished the poem myself, and I just forgot that I had one post here.

Here's the complete poem:

Kindle my passion once more
Enclose me in your depraved heart
Indeed mistakes from the past torn us apart
Though it may seem over
Hollow lies make me ponder

Pleasures from dark encounters
Enlighten us by enigmatic ideal
Rising from the sinister abyss
Each and every movement was not missed
Zephyr winds wrapped us in this foggy mist

Donít leave for nothing
Open your eyes for something
Never cease remembering

Though we fell that easy
Goodbyes said will be undone
One truth, the games has just begun

Never say never.

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


3 posted 01-15-2009 10:43 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Hi 92 , I would like to ruin the poem by finishing it with a different vowel, using a word starting with the letter I.

Though we fell that easy
Goodbyes said will be undone
In truth, the games has just begun


Grinch
Member Elite
since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


4 posted 01-15-2009 01:38 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


I went through an acrostic phase a few years back - the problem is that they can easily lead you into the trap of bending language and grammar to match the message, but once you understand that, and to some extent accept it, theyíre kinda fun to write.

oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 02-24-2007
Posts 1007
Santa Monica, California, USA


5 posted 01-15-2009 07:30 PM       View Profile for oceanvu2   Email oceanvu2   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for oceanvu2

Hi Grinch:  This poem seems less like an acrostic than a confusion.  Of course, I'm dense.

I was looking for a convoluted metaphor in this poem.  Didn't find one.  

Best, Jimbeaux
acsin92 will be notified of replies
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Critical Analysis #2 >> Need some criticisms here. Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors