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 he says "too many lately"
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Passions in Poetry

he says "too many lately"

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beautyincalvary
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since 07-13-2006
Posts 98


0 posted 01-08-2009 01:05 AM       View Profile for beautyincalvary   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for beautyincalvary


One soldier down,
round his throat a rope of braided acrid hemp.
Down in musty twilight that reeks of athleteís foot
and his that dangle.
How in company of winking stars and glowing candles--
I wish I could weep for him--
How in their nitpicked cupboard he ties a knot,
gasps as lungs stretch like birthday balloons,
as fingers claw and urine soils.
How a phony forgets and brother hangs from his barracks.
© Copyright 2009 emily boresow - All Rights Reserved
Marc-Andre
Senior Member
since 12-07-2008
Posts 500


1 posted 01-08-2009 02:41 AM       View Profile for Marc-Andre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marc-Andre

I love that line: Down in musty twilight that reeks of athleteís foot Great sensory effect! Mark
beautyincalvary
Member
since 07-13-2006
Posts 98


2 posted 01-11-2009 01:32 PM       View Profile for beautyincalvary   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for beautyincalvary

Thank you.
oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 02-24-2007
Posts 1007
Santa Monica, California, USA


3 posted 01-14-2009 12:16 AM       View Profile for oceanvu2   Email oceanvu2   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for oceanvu2

Hi Beauty -- This is basically unfathomable, a string of interesting images with no anchor.

"One soldier down,"

Right off the bat you use an ambiguous image with no specificity.  "One soldier down" has a very precise meaning to anyone who has ever been a soldier: killed/wounded in combat.  I don't believe you can make the stretch from combat casualty to suicide, or, if you can, you don't do it here.

"round his throat a rope of braided acrid hemp."

The probable word for "hemp" is "jute."  Wet, it can smell for sure.  But, it is within the sphere of a sailor, not a soldier. And it isn't braided.

"Down in musty twilight that reeks of athleteís foot
and his that dangle."

Two problems:  "Twilight," a time of day, cannot reek of anything.  A "time" may have metaphorical aspects, but stink doesn't logically flow as one of them.

"How in company of winking stars and glowing candles--
I wish I could weep for him--

There is no "him" to reference, no concreteness, no reason given for you to weep for this particular entity.

"How in their nitpicked cupboard he ties a knot,"

Almost a nonsense line.   Who is "their?"  What is "nitpicked?"  What "cupboard?"  The line can't be followed on a logical or metaphorical plane.

"gasps as lungs stretch like birthday balloons,"

All Right!  Here you've a fresh image and a great line!

"as fingers claw and urine soils."

Not needed.

"How a phony forgets and brother hangs from his barracks"

OK, here's the first, and strong, indication that the poem means something to you as a poet.  But who's the "phony," and who's the "brother?"  Doesn't hurt to talk about what you are talking about.

Aargh, though.  One hangs from a rafter, not a barracks, unless I am missing a metaphor.

Well, yeah, I'm being a little cranky, but this one just doesn't seem up to your often good work.

Best, Jimbeaux
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


4 posted 01-14-2009 09:20 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Beauty, the correct words for hemp rope is hemp rope. Most hemp rope is twisted rope , but there is a braided hemp rope ( The smaller rope that could be used for hanging is mostly braided.)

Btw, a sailor would never call it rope, to a sailor itís a line. ( A sailor knows only two ropes , the bell rope and the man rope )

Now the bell rope is a short rope hooked to the bell clapper on the bow bell, that a sailor rings the bell with to tell the bridge anchors away. It also is what the lookout uses to tell the bridge if anything is spotted. If the lookout sees something on the port side, he rings the bell one time, if he sees something on the starboard side, he rings the bell two tines. If he sees something dead ahead, he panics and runs down the deck screaming  STOP STOP.

Now the man rope is a rope stretching  along the ships side, that a sailor can grab on to if he is about to be swept overboard .

[This message has been edited by chopsticks (01-15-2009 10:22 AM).]

 
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