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Was his spirit wandering in to nap

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GoGore
Junior Member
since 01-05-2009
Posts 11


0 posted 01-07-2009 06:58 AM       View Profile for GoGore   Email GoGore   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GoGore

Was his spirit wandering in to nap (rehash 1)

Was his spirit wandering in to nap
before the grave is all but dug-out?
it's looking more like such a comfy lap.

When he made the scythe from sap,
What were the whittlers thoughts about?
Was his spirit wandering in to nap.

What chisel does whittle and kidnap
its masters hand away from his route?
It's looking more like such a comfy lap.

Jack began to loathe the thunderclaps
as if his endless days began to pout;
was his spirit wandering in to nap.

Spring had a part in carving out mishap.
In the ground now the whittler shouts;
it's looking more like such a comfy lap.

His soul was locked inside a spirit trap
that makes one crippled to be without.
was his spirit wandering in to nap;
it's looking more like such a comfy lap.


Notes: I'd like some help on meter here, this is my second Villanelle. What else can I say, I would appreciate any sort of critique too.
© Copyright 2009 GoGore - All Rights Reserved
Marc-Andre
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since 12-07-2008
Posts 500


1 posted 01-07-2009 12:48 PM       View Profile for Marc-Andre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marc-Andre

Welcome to PIP, GoGore Your poem seems unique and interesting, but needs some fine-tuning. As you are asking for help here, I will venture the following.

I think meter needs some rework here into regular iambic (iAMB) lines; here I have rewritten the first stanza in tight iambic tetrameter ( four iambic feet per line.)

Was spirit wandering to nap
Before the grave is all dug-out?
It looks more like a comfy lap.

In the fourth stanza, whittlers shout would make a solid rhyme.

Perhaps it’s just me, but I also see a clarity issue. For example, what exactly do you mean by “when he made the scythe from sap?” It will be easier to critique once the poem is clearer.

Have a marvelous day! Mark
GoGore
Junior Member
since 01-05-2009
Posts 11


2 posted 01-16-2009 01:35 AM       View Profile for GoGore   Email GoGore   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GoGore

"when he made the scythe from sap", is just that; crazy talk what whittler would make a scythe from sap? One who's thoughts are elsewhere perchance. So his spirit was wandering in to nap. It's really a question to you, would you think a whittler to do such.

Certainly I can appreciate the demand to be meter wise, although I'm not so wise as a donk.

Thanks.
Go.
GoGore
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since 01-05-2009
Posts 11


3 posted 02-02-2009 06:28 AM       View Profile for GoGore   Email GoGore   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GoGore

A wand'ring vine

His spirit is a wand'ring vine
trapped inside a casket stronghold,
as the saplings squirm for sunshine.

His tendril shoots are small miners
that dig in search of daybreak gold,
his spirit is a wand'ring vine.

The stems push up, the ground resigns
in time, new will replace the old
as the saplings squirm for sunshine.

Taskmaster Jack stands on front lines
formed when cuticles crack the mold,
his spirit is a wand'ring vine.

Dirt is a slow sifter to climb,
up from six-feet under cajoled
as the saplings squirm for sunshine.

It could not stop the sprouts design,
the splintered trap that locked his soul. ~ ~ [occupant trap that locked his soul?]
His spirit is a wand'ring vine,
as the saplings squirm for sunshine.
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


4 posted 02-02-2009 11:43 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi go,

A villanelle is one of the few structures that doesn't require meter. However that does not mean you can't write a villanelle using meter. Perhaps not as difficult as a pantoum to write, the repetition of lines is similar and difficult to do without forcing the lines. Other than some minor errors in punctuation and spelling the main problem I'm having with this (as a reader) is context.

In S1 the exertion required to take a lap is contrary to taking a nap no matter how "comfy" that may be. S2 makes a little more sense, but again in S3 you veer away from context. The chisel is the main subject of the stanza. S4 seems way out of context here, S4L2 just makes no sense at all. I recomment you use S6L1 as your repeated line and start over. Something like:

His spirit wandered into nap.
Before the grave was all dug-out,
his soul was locked in spirit trap.

Now you can redo this using a distracted soul as the main theme. This has the potential of being a very good villanelle.

turtle    
GoGore
Junior Member
since 01-05-2009
Posts 11


5 posted 02-02-2009 04:20 PM       View Profile for GoGore   Email GoGore   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GoGore

Did you read the post above your comment turtle?
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


6 posted 02-02-2009 05:51 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi go,

Well......Yes I did.

But what I saw and was trying to respond to was your note:

"Notes: I'd like some help on meter here, this is my second Villanelle. What else can I say, I would appreciate any sort of critique too. "

Do you no longer what help with that poem?

Are you looking for TWO critiques in one post?

I'm not sure what you're asking here ere go?

turtle
GoGore
Junior Member
since 01-05-2009
Posts 11


7 posted 02-02-2009 06:01 PM       View Profile for GoGore   Email GoGore   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GoGore

A lot of what goes into making a good Villanelle is trial and many many errors. So ( as a revision of the OP ) switched the rhyme scheme to work better, and the message to be coherent. Think of it as a revision of the OP, a better form that makes the OP obsolete in my eyes, thus your critique doesn't help me in that aspect.

What I was getting at, is that your efforts would have been better spent on the newest form of the poem.

Thanks anyways, if for some reason I decide to go back it will be useful to me.

T.
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


8 posted 02-02-2009 10:38 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi Go,

I didn't notice it when I was drinking my coffee this morning, but we are both new here. Welcome, perhaps we can work together and help one another out.

Okay......So, in essence you're saying that from the time you posted the first post and responded to the first comment: you posted an entirely new poem 5 hours and 7 minutes later?

This is a little better, but I'm wondering  how much effort you put into the first....

My best advice is to put this away for a day or two and come back to it with a fresh perspective.

When you do come back to this, try to get more clarity out of your 2 major lines 1A and 3A:

His spirit is a wand'ring vine,
as the saplings squirm for sunshine.

And keep in mind these 2 lines need to agree at the end of the poem. In a villanelle these last two lines should sum up the poem, or make an important point.

There are several good web sites out there that explain how to write a villanelle. When I write a villanelle I try to concentrate on those major lines first.

I also recommend you look at Timoty Steele's web page on meter.

http://instructional1.calstatela.edu/tsteele/TSpage5/meter.html

turtle  
GoGore
Junior Member
since 01-05-2009
Posts 11


9 posted 02-02-2009 11:38 PM       View Profile for GoGore   Email GoGore   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GoGore

OP: 01-07-2009

Revision: 02-02-2009

Also I think this works better for L3 repeater;

His spirit is a wand'ring vine
wriggling to break through to sunshine.
 
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