Santa Monica, California, USA
Hi -- The fish can't be gutted. It's a fish guts and all, maybe especially all. Your working in a vein not often excavated with intelligence in Pip. Some other folks can and may respond to you from an informed perspective, as Sunshine did, but by and large, the most you will get here is pap.
I feel very sorry about that. The dozen or so folks who actually have something to contribute are as time constricted as anyone else, so you may or may not get a fair shake. Don't worry about it.
If someone says your poem is "good" or someone says your poem is "bad," it's basically irrelevant, except for the "bads."
I don't even want to get into this one, because I could do another two hours on it and it would still be a "good." You speak with an authentic voice. You know how to clean up the details. What else is there?
You can get involved in this community by checking out the poems by Brad, Grinch, Moonbeam, Serenity, Susan Caldwell, Robert Jordan and others who have their own unique and valuable voices. Find out whom you are talking to, and who is talking back. There is a lot more to PiP than PaP.