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Critical Analysis #2
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Atian
New Member
since 2008-12-02
Posts 1


0 posted 2008-12-02 01:36 PM



Im new here and this is my first poem..
Is a song poem :P


Made by: Atian
Name: Simply love
Chords: Am Asus4 Asus2 Am Cmaj Cadd9 Cmay Cmay7
Solo: Am pentatonic scale

--

I remeber your eyes...
I remeber your love...
I remeber your fire!

--

I want to go back to you.
Im so alone in the dark...
I want to feel the fire.
Everytime when i touch your fire i can see you.
Your love is fire and i want to burnup.
When is see my life i just like a rose.
A rose can die or live.
Is the same way with love and life!

--

Your love is simply!

Simply love...
Simply love...

--


© Copyright 2008 Atian - All Rights Reserved
Alison
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Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!
1 posted 2008-12-11 02:03 AM


Hi Atian,

I guess I'd have to hear the melody to really appreciate the lyrics.  The first thing that caught my eye is that you really need to run your work through a spell check before you post it.

When I first came here, someone made that suggestion to me.  I tend to be in a hurry when I write and I make silly mistakes.  Maybe you do the same.

There are some technical errors in your work that I'd like to see cleaned up.

I think there was an abrupt transition between the analogies of fire and rose.  Maybe you can expand your thoughts a bit more.  I felt confused by this line

quote:
Everytime when i touch your fire i can see you.


If I were you, I'd build on your thoughts and maybe add more to this poem/song.

Thank you for posting - and thanks for having the courage to jump into CA with your very first PiP post.  Welcome.

Alison

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