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Passions in Poetry

For whom it may concern.

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chopsticks
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since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


0 posted 11-24-2008 07:22 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for chopsticks




If you have to ask, you’ll never know
Precisely why a rose will grow,
Out in the desert , without hope
So search it out its in your  scope

© Copyright 2008 My brother John. - All Rights Reserved
ladylisa
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since 04-29-2007
Posts 337
Georgia USA


1 posted 01-02-2009 03:17 PM       View Profile for ladylisa   Email ladylisa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ladylisa

Although short, this was a very clear message to me.  I enjoyed it because it is very simple and straight forward.  lis
chopsticks
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since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


2 posted 01-03-2009 01:03 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Thank you Lisa .I was starting to think that my poem was ~ Without hope ~


beautyincalvary
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since 07-13-2006
Posts 98


3 posted 01-11-2009 01:31 PM       View Profile for beautyincalvary   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for beautyincalvary

I like it.

The last line seems forced, though. Perhaps it needs more insight in that line, some sort of spark.
chopsticks
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since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


4 posted 01-11-2009 08:42 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Thanks Calvary, you could be right. What I was saying in the last line is “ Think about it with unhampered thought “

I’ll try to think of a different way to say that with a little spark. Got any ideas ?

It has to rhyme with hope .

Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


5 posted 01-11-2009 08:48 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Hi, chopsticks!

Actually I like the poem and the thought behind the poem but I don't care for the last line at all. It's one of those lines that indicate that the writer got stuck and didn't know how to finish it...at least that's the impression it gives. The first two lines are good and deserve a better ending.

I would suggest something like...


If you have to ask, you'll never know
Precisely why a rose will grow,
Out in the desert , hopelessly.
Give it some thought and you may see.
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


6 posted 01-11-2009 08:59 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Hi Balladeer, I  love your suggestion . I guess I just wanted to use the word ~ Scope ~

Calvary, it doesn’t have to rhyme with hope.

I tried to change the last two lines, but no can do.

Balladeer, if you would change the last two lines to your suggestion that would be fine with me
Balladeer
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7 posted 01-11-2009 09:04 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Ok, then...

If you have to ask, you'll never know
Precisely why a rose will grow,
Out in the desert , without hope.
Such is the range of Nature's scope.
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


8 posted 01-11-2009 09:08 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Balladeer, it's a done deal I love your  first suggestion.
Balladeer
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9 posted 01-11-2009 09:43 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

viking_metal
Senior Member
since 02-02-2007
Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.


10 posted 01-14-2009 10:55 AM       View Profile for viking_metal   Email viking_metal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for viking_metal

Poems are at the heigh of awesomeness levels when they are concise, and have a good message.

I do believe sir, that this is at it's height of awesomeness. I really enjoyed this poem, and I wish I could write something so short AND powerful... A daunting task.

The last line didn't flow for me, but that's probably because I live in the northern tundra... =]


-P

Some people fall in love and touch the sky, some people fall in love and find quicksand.

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


11 posted 01-14-2009 01:07 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Thank you Metal, Balladeer suggested a very good last line. I have changed it so I could use scope ( Unhamperered thought )

If you have to ask, you'll never know
Precisely why a rose will grow,
Out in the desert , hopelessly.
So scope it out and you may see.

 
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