The night the shadow spoke.

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Russell2486
New Member

since 2008-04-26

Posts 9

0 posted 2008-11-13 12:55 PM

Every promise spoke so empty,
Taken for a shadow's word.
Open now the thoughts must we,
or leave me now and curse the world.

We dance with him, our silhouette.
Bleeding still,
in spite of it.
Waiting long,
for the sweet sunset.
Leave me here,
yet not forget

The spoken word
The spoken word

[This message has been edited by Russell2486 (11-15-2008 12:48 PM).]

BenJohnson
New Member

since 2008-11-12

Posts 1
U.K.

1 posted 2008-11-13 03:34 AM

Hi, I like the poem, but the flow feels wrong at the start

Every promise spoke so empty,
Taken for a shadow's word.
Open now the thoughts,
here must we,
or leave me now and curse the world.

For me at least it follows better as

Every promise spoke so empty,
Taken for a shadow's word.
Open now the thoughts must we,
or leave me now and curse the world.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

2 posted 2008-11-13 10:10 AM

Hi Russell, I like the poem too. You may think about the inversion in the first stanza , or maybe not.

Russell2486
New Member

since 2008-04-26

Posts 9

3 posted 2008-11-13 10:42 AM

Yes I will definitely invert the first stanza as soon as get time. Thanks for pointing that out.

Russell2486
New Member

since 2008-04-26

Posts 9

4 posted 2008-11-15 12:49 PM

I changed the first stanza. Does it flow better now?

[This message has been edited by Russell2486 (11-16-2008 07:03 PM).]

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

5 posted 2008-11-15 01:19 PM

I was thinking about the third line in the first stanza. ( some poets like inverted lines).

Every promise spoke so empty,
Taken for a shadow's word.
Open now the thoughts must we,
or leave me now and curse the world.

We must now open the thoughts

Russell2486
New Member

since 2008-04-26

Posts 9

6 posted 2008-11-16 07:01 PM

Maybe I misunderstood what you were saying. I changed the first stanza so it flowed allot better, but the third line I think should remain inverted.

I would be most interested to see what brad has to say about this one.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

7 posted 2008-11-17 07:14 AM

I would like to hear anybodies thoughts on inversion .

Here is probably the most famous inversion : “To be , or not to be: that is the question “

Maybe, in that line your comma is in the wrong place ?

Open now the thoughts, must we

[This message has been edited by chopsticks (11-18-2008 09:15 AM).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

8 posted 2008-11-18 06:05 PM

Personally, it's too short to get a clear picture of what's going on (religion comes to mind). I don't understand why the shift in style from the first to second strophe.

Things I like:

The repetition at the end. Why? I'm not sure but somehow that reinforces the sound of 'the spoken word'.

I also like the parallelism at the end of the first and second strophes. The 'curse the world' and 'the spoken word' stand out well.

Yet, I think this piece needs to be fleshed out a bit, give the reader more to chew on so to speak.

Russell2486
New Member

since 2008-04-26

Posts 9

9 posted 2008-11-19 12:40 PM

I completely agree with you. Often times I find myself trying to write lengthly poems, but more often than not it is more than I can handle with the time I have (I am currently active duty in the Army). I figured why not try my hand at something short and more direct. The main problem I seem to have with poetry is that most people just don't seem to get what the piece is trying to say.

It's not that readers have failed to understand it. It's that I have failed to represent it...and fixing that problem could very well be a life's work.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

10 posted 2008-11-19 08:45 AM

Russel, thank you for your military service .

I think if you fix the shift in style , which won’t take a life time, you have good poem.

Being a fundamentalist I had no trouble understanding your poem, even the metaphors .

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

11 posted 2008-11-19 05:38 PM

Break down the longer poems into shorter, manageable parts. That would be a good thing. Time is a problem, that I understand, but we should, I think, at least try to find the space to do our own thoughts justice, no?

Sorry, I was rereading Bloom yesterday. He gets me into a weird place sometimes.

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