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WHY??

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Pantheress
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since 11-02-2008
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0 posted 11-12-2008 03:47 AM       View Profile for Pantheress   Email Pantheress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Pantheress

WHY??
Why was I blessed with a giving heart,
and no ability to touch.
Why do I feel so much,
I want to take the world and hold it close,
I want to take away the fears,
I want to fill the void of loneliness,
in all the eyes I watch.
I want to heal the world
and kiss away the loss.
Why is there no love inside of me.
I say don't come to close to me,
as I find I can't heal me.
I'll give you laughter and happiness
acceptance, empathy, I'll ease your pain,
a sparkling kaleidoscope of pretty colours.
Why do you want a piece of me
Why do they want to own me,
and fit me in a box.
Why do some want to take your smiles
and make you cry.
Why do the ones who drag you down,
need my loving most
Why can I find forgiveness and understanding
for the angry and the lost.
Why can I help you heal, but can't heal me.
Why when the sparkling kaleidoscope,
stumbles and is weary on life's highway
all misty shades of grey.
Why do I find you have all gone away
and left me alone to play,
Why do I feel so lost.
Why am I locked in my own inadequacy.
Why do I have the ability to learn and feel.
Why does my hand stay still,
when I'm longing just to touch.
Why can't I heal me.
Why does no one hear my silent plea,
Why is there no hand there for me,
Why do I turn away so that I can not see,
the eyes of those who love me.
Why is my fear so great, my walls so high
that I need to protect you all from me.
Why am I running scared of feelings,
I would break if I gave you misery
Why do I feel responsible,
for all the pain I see.
Why is there no love inside of me,
Why do I feel this empty pain inside,
where love is meant to be
Why can't I heal me,
why?  

© Copyright 2008 Daphnejean. F. - All Rights Reserved
americangothic
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since 11-11-2008
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1 posted 11-12-2008 09:13 AM       View Profile for americangothic   Email americangothic   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for americangothic

a lot of good questions..the type of questions that can only be answered by looking in yourself...good job
SEA
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2 posted 11-12-2008 10:14 AM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA



look at it this way, what would you tell someone you loved dearly, if they said these things to you? What advice would you give them? Then? take your advice
Marchmadness
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since 09-16-2007
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3 posted 11-12-2008 01:54 PM       View Profile for Marchmadness   Email Marchmadness   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marchmadness

Good advice from SEA.
               Ida
Pantheress
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4 posted 11-12-2008 05:27 PM       View Profile for Pantheress   Email Pantheress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Pantheress

Hi all you wonderful people, Thanks for your feed back,smiles.. its a great day here, the sun is shinning and shinning and shinning.. yeah you get the idea.. its 8am and already soooo hot,grins.. When you have 6 sons(full stop on the end was a daughter,smiles..), you go through many trails before they become a man, I love people and life.. But had my share of ups and downs.. I also work in crime and see the ugly side of life.. I should have put this poem in Critical Analysis, I can't get it, how I want it,smiles.. If one of you know how to move it, that would be great,smiles..  
Pantheress
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5 posted 11-12-2008 07:34 PM       View Profile for Pantheress   Email Pantheress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Pantheress

Thanks so much to who ever shifted her,smiles..
SEA
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6 posted 11-12-2008 08:41 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

Nanners got it
Pantheress
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7 posted 11-12-2008 11:21 PM       View Profile for Pantheress   Email Pantheress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Pantheress

Thanks SEA, sent a return to you,smiles..
Thanks Nanners, Although I'm unsure who you are,smiles.. but I really appreciate you shifting her, Hope someone can give some advice on how to make her sound real nice..
chopsticks
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8 posted 11-13-2008 10:00 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Hi Pantheress , looks like a moderator was having a little fun with this one and I for one like having a little fun .

Now to your poem : I think it had way to many questions without at least one answer.  However, maybe that is the answer , that life has no answers.
moonbeam
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9 posted 11-13-2008 04:49 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

I'd like to comment on this poem, but I'm not entirely sure that I can be helpful.  It would be good to hear from you as to who you are writing this for?  By which I mean what person, audience or set of readers you are trying to reach or interest?  

To be totally honest (which I hope you would want me to be) right now the piece would I think appeal maybe to your relatives and friends, and certainly to your therapist , and probably to your friends here in PiP, and maybe anyone else who knows you well enough to be interested in your personal feelings and insecurities.  If that's all you want then it's fine.   
Brad
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10 posted 11-13-2008 04:52 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

Hi!

There are two ways (probably more but we'll start with two) to go with this. You said that it doesn't sound like the way you want it. Okay, but we don't know how you want it.

The first thing to do then is probably block it out. Why are you asking these questions and not others? On a first read, it seems like many of the questions are repetitive. Is this on purpose? Why or why not? At other points, it seems that some questions answer other questions (I like this part by the way). Do you want to expand on that or smooth it out?

Structurally, it's anaphoric. The two most famous examples of this are Ginsberg's "Howl" and pretty much anything by Whitman.

For examples on how this structure can go, I'd suggest looking at them.

You use 'kaleidoscope' twice. Richard Wilbur has a powerful little poem on just that particular device. There's another place to check out what's being done.

The second way to go is to simply ask us what we think. If you're knew to the critiquing thing, that can be very off-putting at first. With this poem, I suspect the most obvious response to the questions in the poem would be "I don't know. Why are you asking me?"

With that said, I was reading a poem last night called "20 questions" by -- wait a second -- Maura Stanton. I liked it but it didn't blow my mind. Still, it got me thinking that such a structure could/maybe/possibly yield some interesting things.  

Again, I don't know. I guess the only thing to remember is that we're all different people and we all like different things. The Stanton poem was in the 2005 Best American Poetry anthology. I liked many poems in there (And some that quite surprised me. Not the stuff I normally go for.), but believe even some of the stuff in that book wouldn't remain unscathed here.

Good luck!
Pantheress
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Posts 215
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11 posted 11-13-2008 06:20 PM       View Profile for Pantheress   Email Pantheress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Pantheress

Thanks so much for all your fantastic input, some great ideas and yes, the audience its written for pulled me up in thought.. I work with victims of crime, I brush them off and stand them up to face another day.. I train my face to never portray the shock I feel,
(shoved a branch up there? she's only 12 months old?)with whats been done to them. They open their hearts and bare their souls, so I can help them on their way.. Many people when you reach for them and help in their darkest hours, Think their in love with you and desperatly want you in their world. They think they can't go on unless i'm still lending strength for them to lean on, Its not me, I'm Gods tool, He sent me here for you to use, Your standing strong, be on your way, Your just a job to me, Then I go home and cry, for the disbelief in their eyes, for the babies that have died, for innocent that's been stolen, little people with no defences.. I've actually stopped doing children's cases, which is weak of me, I honestly believe, I bring the sun back to their faces.. But tormented lays my soul.. Brad.. anaphoric? I had to go look up what this meant, female an Irish,chuckles.. Yes maybe- life has no answers.. maybe I need to scrap this poem and start again? I want it to be shorter,sigh..
More direct and powerful,smiles..
Thanks so much for all your time..
Brad
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12 posted 11-13-2008 07:50 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

quote:
(shoved a branch up there? she's only 12 months old?)


If powerful is what you're looking for, this is a good place to start. Mind you, I'm not for a moment suggesting such a poem would be easy to write. It wouldn't. But if that's the direction you want to go in . . . .
moonbeam
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13 posted 11-14-2008 03:05 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam



quote:
I work with victims of crime,
I brush them off and stand them up
to face another day.  I train my face
to never portray the shock I feel,
(shoved a branch up there?
she's only 12 months old?).
They open their hearts and bare their souls,
so I can help them on their way.

Many people when you reach for them
and help, think they're in love
with you and desperately want you
in their world. They think they
can't go on unless I'm still lending strength
for them to lean on. It's not me.
I'm God's tool, He sent me here
for you to use.  You're standing strong,
be on your way.

You're just a job to me.  I go home,
cry, for the disbelief in their eyes,
for the babies that have died,
for innocence that's been stolen.


THIS is the poem.  

Can you see the difference from what you wrote before?
Pantheress
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since 11-02-2008
Posts 215
Queensland, Australia


14 posted 11-16-2008 07:46 PM       View Profile for Pantheress   Email Pantheress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Pantheress

moonbeam your wonderful and obviously very talented.. you took my words and wrote an intense, demanding poem, capturing the gist of my thoughts.. I'm so impressed, The concept is totally reversed but speaks the same to me. When Brad said use that line, I couldn't get my head around speaking such a harsh reality in a poem, I suppose we all have our own concepts on what can be placed for all to read and what is so upsetting for some,sigh.. Thanks so much for your beautiful, positive energy and your time..
moonbeam
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15 posted 11-20-2008 11:49 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

I didn't actually do anything other than arrange your words in lines.

I think the power of the writing comes from YOU when you forgot about trying to write "poetically" and simply wrote out in plain language without a lot of adjectives and adverbs, the experiences you went through.

This had the effect of adding uniqueness, and uniqueness is always interesting.

Try doing it more often!
Pantheress
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16 posted 11-20-2008 10:00 PM       View Profile for Pantheress   Email Pantheress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Pantheress

moonbeam you are to kind, Thank you for taking the time and teaching a new path to me, Your right of course poetry is how you see the world.. And I don't wanna push the friendship.. but,smiles..
Could some one explain prose to me? pleassseeeee
moonbeam
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17 posted 11-21-2008 04:53 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Wikipedia can explain what "prose" means better than I can, click on this link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prose

The borders, if any, between poetry and prose are blurred.  Some might say, for instance, that line breaks make the difference (Brad), others might suggest the frequencies of patterning (Ron).

I don't think you have to worry too much about these distinctions.  What matters is that you write in a way that interests and pleases your target audience.

If your target audience (i.e. the people you are writing for) are your friends and family, they may not much care about HOW you write, but much more about WHAT you write.  

By way of example let's take your original poem above.  It has a lot of generalities about desires and feelings expressed in it.  Now look at SEA's response.  Do you see how she isn't responding to the piece as a poem, but simply to the feelings and desires.  You might just as well have written a letter to her asking for her advice about how to cope with your problems!  Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with that obviously, and maybe it reaches your intended audience, but such writing is unlikely to appeal to a wider readership.  People in other words who are looking to read "poetry".

Such people (this wider readership) don't know you, probably don't care about you much as a person, or your day to day problems, yet they could still be brought to be interested in your feelings and your problems and your views on life.  That's where the HOW (as in HOW you write) becomes important.  

You may have heard of the popular catch phrase in poetry critique:

"SHOW don't TELL"

If you are interested in pursuing this discussion further, why don't you tell me what you understand me to mean by that phrase?  Plus ask any other questions you want of course.
Brad
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18 posted 11-21-2008 07:14 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

M.,

Yes, I think the line break is the difference but only because I think the moment you see a computer screen or a piece of paper with words placed in "lines" you think, "Ah, it's a poem."

And that sets up a way of reading, triggers a number of expectations, that is different from reading prose.

Essorant
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19 posted 11-22-2008 12:18 AM       View Profile for Essorant   Email Essorant   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Essorant's Home Page   View IP for Essorant

One doesn't need linebreaks to know it is a poem if it is written with meter and rhyme. Poetry is a manner of music. It is chiefly special attributes that make it musical that make it different and distinct from prose.
Brad
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20 posted 11-22-2008 04:07 AM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

It's not a matter of need to know. It's a matter of what you expect from what you're going to read.

If a prose piece is in meter and rhyme, it'll (albeit perhaps only momentarily) confuse the reader.

By the way, meter has been tried before in prose pieces and the summary judgment of the power that be have banished it from refined conversation.

The line break, if we want to extend the analogy, is a time signature.

moonbeam
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21 posted 11-22-2008 04:24 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Yes Brad, your longer exposition went as follows:

"This is something that has come up a few times even on my own stuff. What is the difference between prose and poetry?  I argue that it is the line break. Yeah, it's that simple but that simple distinction makes you see a piece of writing in a very different way."

and,

"What's so simple about the line break? When you read a piece of prose, you don't have that added pause.  Prose can have rhythm, it can use every single technique that poetry uses (including rhyme) and as Ron has argued, poets should learn the are to writing fiction as well (okay, we both do). For a number of historical reasons, the two arose into separate and arbitrary categories but nevertheless are, more or less, distinct. When you see a line break, you read something differently from without it.  This perception is the key.

Samuel Delaney has argued that when you read Science Fiction as opposed to mainstream fiction, you read it differently.

Something like "I drove my Beetle home" in science fiction (I prefer the more general term of fabulism) can mean any of a number of things whereas it is fairly limited in mainstream, 'realistic' stuff. Without a context, you start reading a fabulist novel not really knowing what that sentence means until it has been directly or indirectly explained to you. If you know the book is "science fiction", you know you don't know. If it's mainstream, you're pretty sure it's a Volkswagon.  It's the same sentence but your perception of it changes.

Poetry is the same. When you see that line break, you see the poem as a poem and think in terms of your own biases, your own personal history, of what a poem SHOULD be. If the piece doesn't satisfy those expectations, you question its 'poeticness'.  Given the variety of poetry out there, what other explanation could there be? I'm listening."

I'm still considering this   .
Essorant
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22 posted 11-22-2008 05:38 PM       View Profile for Essorant   Email Essorant   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Essorant's Home Page   View IP for Essorant

There is difference between how traditional versers and freeversers use the line break though.  Traditional versers use the linebreak to outline the meter and rhyme,  a complementary addition.  Freeversers on the other hand need to use it to make up for their lack of meter and rhyme, so that a man that has sight may at least understand that it is meant to be a poem because the line break suggests "poem".  They need to compensate for what they don't give to ear by giving them something more for the eye.  But many, perhaps even most people, that do not or cannot see freeverse on the page, so dependant it is on the linebreak, won't recognize it as being a poem.


moonbeam
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23 posted 11-23-2008 05:05 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam



quote:
Freeversers on the other hand need to use it to make up for their lack of meter and rhyme, so that a man that has sight may at least understand that it is meant to be a poem because the line break suggests "poem".  They need to compensate for what they don't give to ear by giving them something more for the eye.  But many, perhaps even most people, that do not or cannot see freeverse on the page, so dependant it is on the linebreak, won't recognize it as being a poem.

Oh Ess, I soooo disagree with that!
Brad
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24 posted 11-23-2008 08:01 AM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

M.

We agree.

Where do we disagree?
 
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