Its Midnight, I'm Running for my Life

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Elias Nevermore
Member

since 2007-11-03

Posts 152

0 posted 2008-10-22 12:14 PM

A single light shines on an empty street.
My body is still trembling with fear.
I'm gasping to fill my lungs with air.
Turning my back to the pitch black sky,
I wonder if he's only a few minutes behind.
He is a demonic spirit in a man's attire
who is after my life at this time.
I peer into the darkness, anticipating
the moment his maroon eyes catch sight of me.
After a few seconds of complete silence,
a seed of hope begins to take root in my heart.
What if he gave up the chase?, I thought,
Maybe I'm free from this madman's blood lust?
All these thoughts I soon clear away.
I must stay focused on escaping from him.
As it came time to begin my flight again,
my eye catches hold of something in the distance.
A shadow of the demon appeared in the light.
It broke the plane for only an instant.
Yet I know that man has finally arrived.
I begin to run erratically, consumed by fear,
and soon my weariness starts to take a toll on me.
Panting, sweating I start to slow down.
Finally I have no energy to go on.
As my exhausted body falls to the ground,
I can only wait in terror of what is to come.
A footstep can be heard in the distance
slowly approaching, lavishing every moment.
The demon has caught its weakened prey.
The last thing I see is his maroon eyes
as I ascend into the pitch black sky

"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;" -Edgar All

[This message has been edited by Elias Nevermore (10-24-2008 07:44 PM).]

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

1 posted 2008-10-24 10:41 AM

The host of a talk show I used to listen to would often say, “If you learn anything amazing from a book, it was well worth the read “

This poem was well worth the read. I searched my head off and couldn’t find a cliché.

Elias Nevermore
Member

since 2007-11-03

Posts 152

2 posted 2008-10-24 07:41 PM

Thanks chopsticks.

Do you think there is anything I should change in the poem?

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

3 posted 2008-10-25 12:53 PM

You may have a couple adjectives you can get rid of , like (complete) in the tenth line.

Elias Nevermore
Member

since 2007-11-03

Posts 152

4 posted 2008-10-25 01:28 AM

good idea, i think i can take out some of the fluff.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

5 posted 2008-10-25 09:18 AM

Nevermore, you may want to take a look at the words and phrases I have enclosed or maybe not.

A single light shines on an empty street.
My body is   (still)   trembling with fear.
I'm gasping to fill my lungs with air.
Turning my back to the  (pitch)  black sky,
I wonder if he's only a few minutes behind.
He is a demonic spirit in a man's attire
who is after my life at this time.
I peer into the darkness, anticipating
the moment his  (maroon)  eyes catch sight of me.
(a seed of)  hope begins to take root in my heart.
What if he gave up the chase?   ( I thought,)
Maybe I'm free from this   (madman's)   blood lust?
All these thoughts I soon clear away.
I must stay focused on escaping from him.

(As it came time to begin my flight again,)

my eye   (catches hold of )   something in the distance.
A shadow of the demon appeared in the light.
It broke the plane for only an instant.
Yet I know   (that man)    has finally arrived.
I begin to run erratically, consumed by fear,
(and)  soon my weariness starts to take a toll on me.
Panting, sweating I start to slow down.
Finally I have no energy to go on.
As my exhausted body falls to the ground,
I can only wait in terror of what is to come.
A footstep can be heard in the distance
slowly approaching, lavishing every moment.
The demon has caught its weakened prey.
The last thing I see is his    (maroon)   eyes
as I ascend into the    (pitch)   black sky

Btw, I didn’t mean the whole line, just silence

“After a few seconds of complete silence,”

“After a few seconds of silence,”

Elias Nevermore
Member

since 2007-11-03

Posts 152

6 posted 2008-10-26 12:55 PM

A single light shines on an empty street.
My body is trembling with fear.
I'm gasping to fill my lungs with air.
Turning my back to the black sky,
I wonder if he's only a few minutes behind.
He is a demonic spirit in a man's attire
who is after my life at this time.
I peer into the darkness, anticipating
the moment his eyes catch sight of me.
hope begins to take root in my heart.
What if he gave up the chase?
Maybe I'm free from this man's blood lust?
All these thoughts I soon clear away.
I must stay focused on escaping from him.

(As it came time to begin my flight again,)

my eye notices something in the distance.
A shadow of the demon appeared in the light.
It broke the plane for only an instant.
Yet I know he has finally arrived.
I begin to run erratically, consumed by fear,
Soon my weariness starts to take a toll on me.
Panting, sweating I start to slow down.
Finally I have no energy to go on.
As my exhausted body falls to the ground,
I can only wait in terror of what is to come.
A footstep can be heard in the distance
slowly approaching, lavishing every moment.
The demon has caught its weakened prey.
The last thing I see is his eyes
as I ascend into the black sky

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

7 posted 2008-10-26 07:33 AM

Nevermore, just an idea for you. Now I'm off to face my demon .

A single light shines on an empty street.
My body is trembling with fear.
I'm gasping to fill my lungs with air.
Turning my back to the black sky,
I wonder if the demon is just behind me .
He is a demonic spirit in a man's attire
who is after my life .
I peer into the darkness, anticipating
the moment his eyes catch sight of me.
hope begins to take root in my heart.
What if he gave up the chase .
Maybe I'm free from this demons blood lust?
All these thoughts I soon clear away.
I must stay focused on escaping from him
I see something in the distance.
A shadow of the demon appeared in the light.
It broke the plane for only an instant.
Yet I know the he has finally arrived.
I begin to run erratically, consumed by fear,
soon my weariness starts to take a toll,
Panting, sweating I start to slow down.
Finally I have no energy to go on.
As my exhausted body falls to the ground,
I can only wait in terror of what is to come.
A footstep can be heard in the distance
slowly approaching, lavishing every moment.
The demon has caught its weakened prey.
The last thing I see is his evil eyes
as I ascend into the cold black sky.

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