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Critical Analysis #2
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longte
Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199
Australia

0 posted 2008-10-13 12:46 PM




We are found
or are we
dribbling insane parody
of coagulating ruin
in flickering lighters snare
RUSHING
through that curl of temptation
where hesitation loses
In the shadow of the mushroom we bleed
or is that PLEAD
Knowing
yet still uncaring
We Fumbled
Carefree
Wiped the sticky back seat
[parents know]
sent the result
[later; must reach potential first]
AWAY
to sand and snow and strangers
who show they care
offering semtex in white fury
[or five grams of lead]
while we;
misunderstanding everything
moan about black gold
and mortgages
craving the blessing of strangers
in lost bits and bytes
of desolations desperation
..
.


Live It

© Copyright 2008 P.Nicholson - All Rights Reserved
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
1 posted 2008-10-13 08:39 AM


               " While we;
misunderstanding everything
     moan about black gold
           and mortgages
craving the blessing of strangers
        in lost bits and bytes
    of desolations desperation"


What a great ending for your poem , but so sad for mankind .


Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
2 posted 2008-11-07 05:40 PM


Hmmm, teen angst, I hear.

My biggest problem with this is not that, that's not necessarily a bad place to start. No, my biggest problem is that the poem lacks any real movement. That is, I didn't feel propelled by anything here.

Still, I think some of the latter images might be interesting in a rewrite.

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