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Critical Analysis #2
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GothicCherry
Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471
TN

0 posted 2008-09-23 10:48 PM





Sitting here anticipating
And with myself alone debating.
Wanting you to love me
Yet dreading the distant dream.
Knowing you can’t truly be
Everything you seem.
Your every move sends shivers, down my spine
And your velvet voice veers me, out of my mind.
A perfect model of the perfect man
You exist but there’s no way you can.
Dazed and lost in your addicting haze
I give up and surrender to your glorious gaze.
My heart may pay for the things we say
But that won’t happen as long as you stay.
By your side I feel as though I am beautiful as well
I have no clue how but I’m under your spell.
Quiet and sweet, is your gentle heart beat
Steady are your words, as you whisk me off my feet.
My soul I’d gladly give
If the reward is to always live
Wrapped in the chilling comfort of your arms
Away from the threat of all human harm.
"I decided to repost this here from open poetry because i feel as though i need wiser people's opinions to help me excel. I am fifteen and not too sure I am good enough to be posting anything, but oh well. Let me know what you think and Be Honest!!"


© Copyright 2008 Michaela J. McHone - All Rights Reserved
oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA
1 posted 2008-09-24 03:44 PM


Hi --  First, if Bella and Edward in the poem are fictional characters, this is a good sign.  At age 15, most poems are highly personal.  The ability to create characters outside of one’s self is a skill not everyone masters -- not that everyone needs to.

The basic problems with the poem itself are first:  it’s thoughts are trite; and second: it is cliché ridden.

Many poems expressing these sentiments are written daily.  The trick is to present the theme in a fresh way.  It’s not easy, but the uniqueness of expression is what sets one  poem apart from another.

“distant dream
sends shivers, down my spine
velvet voice
Out of my mind
under your spell
whisk me off my feet”
etc. are the more glaring examples of cliché.  These are all phrases often heard, and often assimilated to the point where someone might think they are their own.  Happens all the time.  The trick is to recognize clichés, and avoid them.

On a technical level, the poem is immature and poorly crafted.  That’s not really a major problem, most poems are immature and poorly crafted.  The point is to get better at it as one goes along.

After doing some reading in Teen Poetry, you might find this one falls somewhere near the middle of the bell curve.  It’s age appropriate.  You’ll find some worse, and some that will, to use a cliché, knock your socks off.  At any rate, reading in Teen will give you an opportunity to asses where you are in terms of your peers.

Reading and re-reading in any decent poetry anthology may provide an understanding of what poetry can be.  Poetry is both an art and a craft. Getting the hang of the “craftsmanship” part adds to the “art” part.

As things stand, anyone may contribute to CA, but it is not always the most appropriate forum for a particular piece.  That doesn’t stop anyone from putting something up here.  You might also want to do some critiquing in this forum.  First, it forces you to read some of the poems, and second, it forces you to think about what does or doesn’t seem to work.

Best, Jimbeaux

moonbeam
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since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356

2 posted 2008-09-24 04:37 PM


You want to excel? So many people come here saying they want to excel, but then when they are told that this actually involves ditching some of their beliefs and getting down to some hard work, they go all quiet.  It can get demoralising if you are trying to help. Anyway I guess I'll take you at face value and say:

15 is a GREAT age to start writing!!  Wish I'd started when I was 15.

If you are serious about excelling you need to take a pride in your written words.  Words are a writer's tools.  Would a carpenter let his saw rust or blunt?  Try to make your words shine at their best - correct spelling is a good start.  Check out and correct your critique message in your profile to begin with.

Next, stop thinking that there are, as you said in one of your replies in the teen forum, "no crappy poems".   Of course there are crappy poems - millions of them, written by people who don't bother to learn how to write good poems.  Just like a carpenter who doesn't pay attention to his lessons will turn out rubbish furniture.

Next, stop thinking poems come "from the heart".  They don't.  Inspiration and emotion may come from the "heart" but the ABILITY to convert that inspiration to a wonderful written piece comes from hard work and the brain!  All the "heart" in the world is worth nothing if you don't know how to write well.

Next, stop writing and start reading some good contemporary poetry.  Visit your local library, buy an anthology.  Use the internet - there's lots of stuff to read out there and you will learn by emulating other good published poets (not the poems here at PiP which unfortunately meet the usual ratio for rubbish poetry).  I can give you some links if you want.

Next, buy a good poetry handbook - I love this one:
http://www.amazon.com/Palm-Your-Hand-Portable-Workshop/dp/0884481492

read it carefully.  Do all the exercises.

Next, come back here and post a poem.  If you work through everything I've said, by about Christmas I expect you to be posting stuff here which is a hundred times better than your current effort.

Best.

M

Essorant
Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
3 posted 2008-09-25 03:07 PM


Enough imperatives Moonbeam!  
moonbeam
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4 posted 2008-09-25 04:47 PM


Je pense non mon ami Essorant!

And anyway, it's all JMO - nobody has to take the slightest notice

oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA
5 posted 2008-09-25 05:34 PM


Hi Ess --  I thought the point here was to comment on the poem, not on the comments on the poem, not that that has ever stopped anyone from commenting on the comments, but even the coments on the comments can be linked to the poem.

Ignoring my own above, I suggest there ARE certain imperatives which work in terms of learning about poetics.

1.  Clean up your room.
2.  Shut up and listen.
3.  Read.

I think, that if someone has spent the bulk of their lives reading seriously, both poetry and criticism, it is possible to dispense with the footnotes.  Of course, this is only my opinion, but I don't feel a tremendouse need to justify whatever I might opine at this point.  I don't expect anyone to believe me, either.

Such a pity, when you think of how much time might be saved.  

Jimbeaux

moonbeam
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6 posted 2008-09-26 10:33 AM


GothicCherry

Perhaps you would care to explain sometime what sort of mentality says this:
quote:
I decided to repost this here from open poetry because i feel as though i need wiser people's opinions to help me excel.  Be honest.

while at the same time in a thread near here, decrees this:
quote:
yall are full of it in my opinion!!

If you really want to learn, a good start would be to quit being rude to people who are critiquing in this forum.  

M


Essorant
Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
7 posted 2008-09-26 12:44 PM



Ocean,

Yes, the poem is the main point.  But, sometimes we get distracted by the manners of others.  I was not saying Moonbeam did anything necessarily "wrong".  I was just poking at his overimperativeness


moonbeam
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8 posted 2008-09-26 05:31 PM


Ess

You can poke anyday sweetie, no, er, hard feelings

M

graeshine2006
Member
since 2008-06-03
Posts 368
The Prairie Lands, USA
9 posted 2008-09-26 05:42 PM


Gothi,
First off - I love Bella and Edward.  I am reading Breaking Dawn right now.  My daughter got me started on the twilight series.  So, I'm assuming you read - so read lots of poetry.  Someone once told me to find some poems I like and read the poet's work.  Guess what - I like very immature poetry... and I'm 40!  You are doing great for a 15-year old.  Hang in there and be yourself!  Learn meter all that good stuff, but have fun too!

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
10 posted 2008-11-21 07:05 PM


quote:
Away from the threat of all human harm.
"I decided to repost this here from open poetry because i feel as though i need wiser people's opinions to help me excel. I am fifteen and not too sure I am good enough to be posting anything, but oh well. Let me know what you think and Be Honest!!"


Well, that's a good start. I'm still looking for those wiser people's opinions. Certainly can't find them here.

At any rate, I would ask you read this poem again. Is there anything that you would change?

A good start is to go to the library, find a book of poems and read. Don't worry about deeper meanings, allusions you don't get, footnotes or endnotes that are always interfering. Just read.

Then come back and read this poem.

Please let us know what you think.

Russell2486
New Member
since 2008-04-26
Posts 9

11 posted 2008-11-22 12:14 PM


Not all people who post on here are seasoned poets or even good writers in general. The idea is to submit your work and get feedback from others. Preferably useful feedback.

If we all welcomed those new to this forum in the same way GothicCherry was welcomed, I don't think this website would last very long.

While it's perfectly fine to critique the work of others, I feel it's best to do that tastefully. Not calling a young girls poem "Poorly constructed and age appropriately cliche ridden" is a great start.

You could have said something like, "I felt this poem needed some fresh Ideas, and you might want to consider evening out the syllable count."

Oddly enough, Tact is a great lubricant for the cogs of your social life.

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
12 posted 2008-11-22 04:20 AM


Perhaps, but what you call tact is often seen as condescension by others.

The simple fact is that we don't know how people are going to react. At times, you're right on the money; at others, well, there ain't nothing we can do about it.

The only thing I ask is that you stay with it. As long as the conversation continues, there's a hope that the parties concerned will break through that wall of offense and defense and start working on writing and making better poetry.

It doesn't always work, you could say that it almost never works, but when it does, it's a wonderful thing to see.

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