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Passions in Poetry

"CAUTION: WET PAINT"

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viking_metal
Senior Member
since 02-02-2007
Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.


0 posted 09-01-2008 12:51 PM       View Profile for viking_metal   Email viking_metal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for viking_metal



You
the freshly painted wall
still drying
still aromatic in the chemical sense

and I
the small child
too young to know
that I could smudge and smear you

look at you now
ten years later
you talk more
and say so much less.

I was too young.
if only I could have read the signs.

PW-08

[This message has been edited by viking_metal (09-02-2008 10:28 PM).]

© Copyright 2008 Paul Weisbrod - All Rights Reserved
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


1 posted 09-02-2008 03:01 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Hi viking_metal, technically you have a sonnet , the only one absolute rule about a sonnet is the fourteen lines. I know this may start an argument, but all I know is what I see on Jeopardy.

The third stanza is it speaking of the child or the wall ? Of course its the child walls donít talk. I was thinking of the clichť ~ If those walls could only talk~

I donít guess I  helped much, I never do, but at least you know you wrote a sonnet.


Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


2 posted 09-02-2008 03:41 PM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

I
have
to
wonder

by
using
fourteen
lines

if
I
have
written

a
sonnet
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


3 posted 09-02-2008 04:35 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

I donít know Not A Poet, but I donít think you can call a preposition or a conjunction a line .

Because prepositions or conjunctions canít stand alone.


I
have
to
wonder

when
using
fourteen
lines

could
I
have
written

a
sonnet
viking_metal
Senior Member
since 02-02-2007
Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.


4 posted 09-02-2008 10:26 PM       View Profile for viking_metal   Email viking_metal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for viking_metal

I wasn't attempting to write in any given format, I guess it just worked out that way. Thanks chopsticks, I'll think about ways to make things a bit less blurry.
viking_metal
Senior Member
since 02-02-2007
Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.


5 posted 09-02-2008 10:34 PM       View Profile for viking_metal   Email viking_metal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for viking_metal

look at you
the freshly painted windowsill
still drying
still aromatic in the chemical sense

look at me
just a tender child
too young to know
that I could smudge and smear you

looking at you now
ten years later
dried and aged
with my faithful little fingerprints

I was too young to read
the big yellow signs.

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


6 posted 09-02-2008 10:52 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Viking_metal, I didnít think you were, but I didnít know. Here is a sentence from an article I am reading :

ď Todayís sonnet can often only be identified by the ghost imprint that haunts it, recognizable by the presence of 14 lines.Ē

I like your rewrite.

MaŮana
ChristianSpeaks
Member
since 05-18-2006
Posts 387
Iowa, USA


7 posted 09-03-2008 12:23 PM       View Profile for ChristianSpeaks   Email ChristianSpeaks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ChristianSpeaks

When you changed the third stanza it changed the entire feel of the piece. It was detached and resigned. Now it has the juxtaposed image of someone who is 10 years older, but still has a child's view. I'm not sure I like it. I enjoyed the blase(sp?) nature of the original.

Good on  you, mate.

Dane
viking_metal
Senior Member
since 02-02-2007
Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.


8 posted 09-03-2008 03:51 PM       View Profile for viking_metal   Email viking_metal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for viking_metal

Grahrrrrrr. Hm. More thinking, I shall do.

Yoda out.
Boshii2
Member
since 02-01-2009
Posts 146


9 posted 02-04-2009 02:46 AM       View Profile for Boshii2   Email Boshii2   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Boshii2

see ! dont let 'em muck you up
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


10 posted 02-04-2009 08:45 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Hi metal, some poems are deep, some are funny, some have soul ,some are mysterious , but this one has heart .

I think there is a wall somewhere that a mother hopes that they will never paint.

[This message has been edited by chopsticks (02-04-2009 10:34 AM).]

 
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