Mr. Dark-side's Theory - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

thegreatsicknasty
Junior Member

since 2008-08-31

Posts 11

0 posted 2008-08-31 09:47 PM

I won't leave you on your knees.
I won't leave you begging for more.
I won't leave you wondering what could have been.
I could never get close enough.
The only thing i can leave you with is your guilt.
My heavy heart hooked to the back of your mind.
And I'll always be on my knees....begging and wondering.
The one who is left empty and a face full of dirt.
I am battle scared with my own insecurities.
Just a spec of matter in that universe of yours you call your heart.
The dirty water in the deep wells of your blue eyes.
You will be in every sad song I hear and in everything else.
Remain in my area of the world and remain anonymous.

SkaaDee
Member

since 2008-04-07

Posts 116
Canada

1 posted 2008-08-31 10:03 PM

I find this poem to be passionate
but doesn't make me feel the things you
are describing and it seems to be describing too much.
Maybe elaborate a bit on certain lines.

it could just be me though.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

2 posted 2008-09-01 12:41 PM

I won't leave you on your knees.
--cliche. Try something else.
I won't leave you begging for more.
--Heard it a million times.
I won't leave you wondering what could have been.
--Same.
I could never get close enough.
--This could work if the lines before it were formed into something different and sly.
The only thing i can leave you with is your guilt.
--This wording seems hum-drum boring to me.
My heavy heart hooked to the back of your mind.
--I like that something is hooked to the back of a mind, but heavy heart is a pretty common thing to hear in an average gal's vocabulary. You are a poet! You're better than this!

And I'll always be on my knees....begging and wondering.
--This is cliche.
The one who is left empty and a face full of dirt.
--Same.
I am battle scared with my own insecurities.
--This is blatant wording. "My scars stapled down by insecurities" or something... creative, you know?
Just a spec of matter in that universe of yours you call your heart.
--this line is clumsy. "A molten sphere in the vastness of your universe" would be more creative.
The dirty water in the deep wells of your blue eyes.
--Personally, I like this.
You will be in every sad song I hear and in everything else.
--"Manifesting yourself in the sad ballroom songs I hear..."
Remain in my area of the world and remain anonymous.
--Huh? This might as well have been "So close, yet so far away." Chop it up.

I'm not entirely qualified, but I really did try to help! I meant all of this in an entirely constructive way.

Valedictions

-P

sklagurl17
Junior Member

since 2008-09-08

Posts 43
nc.

3 posted 2008-09-08 02:38 AM

This is very good.
On a few lines i felt that you should have better details.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.