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A silence
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A silence |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
A silence. "when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the Earth" I awoke sweat greased my lips like I had just eaten at KFC. There was no deafening sound of engines flaring or mindless convo's over cell phones. Just dead silence; the dot dot dot... of nothing. looking out the slants of shade, I saw a newspaper dating last year December; Christmas. "The dead walk the Earth!" Next to an already putrefied animal; I wondered, had it known it was going to die? Like some premonition before a storm, and lay in its favorite spot. This was my favorite spot... did I feel like death was a creepin' and a crawlin'? . . ./ Hi, looking for any constructive criticism, or general feedback. Hope there's something here to like. Thanks. T. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
I am at my favorite spot reading your poem and I look slowly around to be sure nothing is creeping up on me . I stumbled over “ Convo’s “ maybe "Talk" would work better ? |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
Hmm, and also I'm looking at the final stanza and wondering if it might be powerful to change it with: "and did I feel like death was a creepin' and a crawlin'" I'll have to think on convo's, it was a central alliteration point of the first stanza, as well as short hand conversations. I guess I thought to deeply? Thanks chop for the helpful insight! T. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Yes, there are indeed couple of things to like in this: "Sweat greased my lips" "slants of shade" even "engines flaring" is quite good. Unfortunately those moments of light are blotted out by what isn't so good. The actual idea behind the poem could be quite arresting, but you really rub your readers' noses in it to the point where it loses any positive effect it might have had. From the prefacing quote through to the last line the signals all point one way. A piece where you kept your readers guessing about the mortal situation of the speaker would imo have given the poem a much better chance of success. That said, the execution of the poem leaves a lot to be desired too. Although it's a short piece there is quite a bit in this that could be cut with no real detriment to meaning or effect. You also have sentence fragments all over the shop, weak line endings, inappropriate diction, and plenty of cliches. Not really a happy combination. Let's have a quick look at the detail: I awoke >>>line end comma? sweat greased my lips >>>strong image like I had just eaten at KFC. >>>unnecessary clunky simile which completely wrecks the effect of the previous line. There was no deafening sound >>> "deafening sound" - that's just lazy writing, you can do much better than this commonplace phrase of engines flaring or >>> much better mindless convo's over >>>oh dear! "Mindless convo's" - ugh. You say that "convo" is "central" to the alliteration. I don't see that at all. There is mainly assonance with "over" - which imo doesn't sound good in any case (too much, too close) - but that aside, what else? That hardly justifies the description "central". cell phones. Just dead silence; >>> "dead silence" - have you any idea how many google hits a search on "dead silence" produces? An awful lot. the dot dot dot... of nothing. looking >>> having had deafening and flaring and now nothing and looking and shortly dating, imo you are overloading with -ing endings. In profusion gerunds and present participles aren't attractive sonically. out the slants of shade, I saw a newspaper dating last year December; Christmas. >>>Does "looking" need uppercase? In any event I'm lost syntactically/grammatically here - what does: "I saw a newspaper dating/last year December;/Christmas" actually mean? How can you date a year December? "The dead walk the Earth!" >>>Annoying repetition of preface quote. Next to an already putrefied animal; I wondered, had it known it was going to die? >>>This isn't a sentence. "Putrefied animal" is kind of "yawn", made worse by the boring speculation after the semicolon. Like some premonition before a storm, and lay in its favorite spot. >>>Another sentence fragment? "Lay" would be ungrammatical where I come from - but in the US you do weird things with "lay" so fine I guess. This was my favorite spot... did I feel like death was a creepin' and a crawlin'? >>> "favorite spot" - once was quite enough to write this well used phrase - twice is stretching your readers' patience. >>> "creepin' and/ a crawlin'" - this horrid colloquial diction to end with just doesn't work for me. Sorry I can't be more positive about this in its present form. I'd think about scrapping the poem apart from the images I mentioned that I liked, but retain the idea, and try to start afresh keeping both the speaker and your readers in the dark about the speaker's status as the walking dead until the close of the poem. M |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
I've decided upon a totally different course of action for this poem. Taking some of the ideas. Mid-morn with a cosmic god I. i/Leaning against an eldritch tree I dream./i I'm a marksman sitting here bow-legged, and from my quivering mouth these bloody arrows shoot. How do I begin this inquiry -- to glare into this pool created, and decide upon the volume that was sprayed? You arose from the depths with lippen in death, and evil possessed my aching body. i/Beware, the content of an image is reflection./i II. i/ You cast me into Tartarus./i Sweat greased my lips as I awoke to a world not destroyed, it was a throne -- a tomb of humanity. And I lie here amidst the calm sea, a tithe of fish bones at my feet, and weep the down pour of another tear less passing. . . ./ P.S. The i/. . .\i are meant to be italics. But I guess it didn't work. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
"When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the Earth" You do start your poem with a cliché, but not a well worn one. I remember it like this : “When hell gets full, they send them here to BLANK and after a week they ask to go back to hell “ You get to pick your own BLANK. Your next two stanzas hit me where I live : I live alone and often when I wake up for a time I don’t know where I am. Am I in Baltimore, Cape town, or where, then I realize I am in hell looking for transportation All I got from the next two stanzas was do animals go to their favorite spot to die. I think they do if they can. Yesterday I saw a cat get hit by a car and die in the middle of the street. I doubt that was the cat’s favorite spot. You have been eloquently told of the poems short comings. I am just pointing out what, maybe, is some of the bright spots. I will take all the bright spots I can get. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
"When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the Earth" It's not a cliche, it's the tagline from "Dawn of the Dead", and the poet placed it in quotes quite legitimately as a preface to the poem. ..... Better job with your revamp Treagal. More later maybe. M |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Sorry about that Treagal. I didn’t see that movie. I didn’t notice the quotation marks and didn’t know it made a difference with a cliché. |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
It's not fully taken from the movie, it's in a sense a biblical revelation. Yes I did first see it as the tag line, and as such quoted, but my intentions were biblical. But as is apparent I have moved on from that battle. I went to a different "plague" if you will. H.P. Lovecraft is a huge inspiration for me, this came out while thinking about "A silence", my title for the OP. Thanks both of you, it got my mind to "rev-up", haha. well thanks for saying this revamp is better, I thought so as well, but it is raw still. I have a feeling there are a couple of profound stanza's. But less so on some, when you get the time it would be great to hear back from you guys with some additional feedback. Thanks.  |
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dracula68 Junior Member
since 2008-09-07
Posts 30Illinois |
Hey, Tre, I'm Michael. I thought the promise of the poem began with the dog, and the narrator wondering if it sensed its death. If memory serves, the line "when there's no more room in hell..." served also as an epigraph to Night Of The Living Dead. I understand your love of horror (my favorite is the 1962 version of The Haunting). We could talk all day. Short list: Peeping Tom, Seance On A Wet Afternoon, Nightmare On Elm Street, The Conversation (try surveillance taping and splicing disembodied voices long enough and see where it takes you) But I think your poem is a bit quieter, a little more contemplative perhaps. The narrator is lying down next to a dead creature and he's not startled or scared or worried that the Elder Gods might take umbrage, or that he might get a disease or that the animal might rise from the dead, but he's wondering about what the animal went through, what it felt. It's a still moment for him, not a horror thing at all. There's a disparity between the two tones that get struck here...the horror and the quiet. |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
Thanks for the feedback, of course it's helpful. So, do you think that leading up to the promise of the poem (the dog) is unnecessary? Or it should be extended over what is currently there? I had kind of put this piece out of mind because the response (not enough "good" in it to squander my resources) was that it should be scrapped, except for certain word pairings. I'm grateful for the attention it has stirred up, however I think my attention might be better served on other pieces that may strike some chords (whichever color that may be). It's to early for me to be typing out a response like this haha. Thanks again, I guess I don't have much else to say at this time (although I welcome anything in the way of progress T. |
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