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Critical Analysis #2
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Bill Shirnberg
Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50
USA AOK

0 posted 2008-06-21 02:35 AM


This is a poem about an abused woman at work


I see your eye's drift away
As the clock takes its turn
Laugh and love in a panic
before the darkness returns


© Copyright 2008 Bill Shirnberg - All Rights Reserved
viking_metal
Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.
1 posted 2008-09-01 12:48 PM


That's...

Effective. I think I felt what you felt.

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
2 posted 2008-09-01 02:27 PM


Problem I see Bill is that if you have to explain what the poem is about before even letting us read it then it probably doesn't say enough to be worthwhile. How about writing the poem so it speaks for itself?

hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
3 posted 2008-09-01 11:33 PM


I think the title is much more evocative and effective than the poem's body... has a great cadence- maybe work off of that.
dracula68
Junior Member
since 2008-09-07
Posts 30
Illinois
4 posted 2008-09-10 05:24 AM


"This is a poem about an abused woman at work"


I see your eye's drift away
As the clock takes its turn
Laugh and love in a panic
before the darkness returns"
Well I think you have a promising start here. I think your title is more of a reminder tag for you, for when you go back to it. Abused women, in my complete lack of experience, have about twelve senses for their abuser. This woman is very apprehensive. It's not what's going through her mind, but what's going through her nose, her ears, her mouth, her skin. Can she hear him walking toward her even when he's not?  Can she smell his cheap cologne or soap? As the clock ticks and he gets closer, what do her combined senses make her feel?

The poem has a very lovely cadence indeed, a very strong body

Oh btw, it's "eyes" no apostrophe. I make that mistake all the time.

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