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graeshine2006
Member

since 2008-06-03

Posts 368
The Prairie Lands, USA

0 posted 2008-06-14 01:49 AM

This poem was actually written about a someone and might actually be read BY that someone, so I want to make sure it flows as it's read. I'm new to this and have forgotten all I learned in English classes as far as technical terms so just give it to me straight in layman's terms! What do you think?

I've seen your smile once.
And, oh - how it took me away,
To a place where romance flows
A place I'd like to stay.

And from that smile came my name
As I have never heard.
As if God gave you voice
to be his messenger.

Did you know? Could you tell?
Did my face show it's surpise,
When that smile took my heart
and wrapped it with a sigh?

I'd given up on romance.
Thought it's not for me.
But with your smile, in my mind
I wonder "could it be"?

So for now, I'll trust in fate
To show me if it's true.
That such a smile is heaven's gift
Sent to me through you.

Thanks!
PS - I know the guidelines here do not want you to post in two forums. Does that include this one?Once the poem is finished I wanted to post it in open forum to see the response.
deb

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

1 posted 2008-06-14 07:47 AM

Hi graeshine2006, I assume from the preamble this is not free verse. You missed the rhyme in two

stanzas ; but I bet your husband won’t notice.

I think it will work in Open as is .

graeshine2006
Member

since 2008-06-03

Posts 368
The Prairie Lands, USA

2 posted 2008-06-14 08:54 AM

Hi Chop - thanks for the reply, but where did I miss it?????

ronald might
Junior Member

since 2008-06-05

Posts 19

3 posted 2008-06-14 10:05 AM

Did you know? Could you tell?
Did my face show it's surpise,
When that smile took my heart
and wrapped it with a sigh?

im not entirely sure on the intend of this stanza. I like the idea of putting questions but as to "when that smile took my heart and wrapped it with a sigh?" is this meant to to be a question?

and why sigh? i love how you used "smile" as an emphasis in your poem. but in this particular line..it brings a little of an oxymoron dont you think?

graeshine2006
Member

since 2008-06-03

Posts 368
The Prairie Lands, USA

4 posted 2008-06-14 05:11 PM

Hi ronald - thanks for the reply... I was having a lot of problems with that last night. I was tired and kept thinking all kinds of things - once I changed it from the "the smiling seeing" and then thought - DUH a smile can't "see"!! Then my intent was to somehow associate the smile with the cozy, comfortable feel of a sigh of contentment. Hence the "wrapped" with a sigh. Thanks - I'll work on it.

I like what you did to the last stanza.

graeshine2006
Member

since 2008-06-03

Posts 368
The Prairie Lands, USA

5 posted 2008-06-14 05:12 PM

sorry ronald - I made a mistake -not the last stanza... you know what I mean.. I must still be tired! lol...deb

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

6 posted 2008-06-14 06:21 PM

I don’t think but I could be wrong . ( heard and messenger) don’ t rhyme ( surpise and sigh ) don’t rhyme,

graeshine2006
Member

since 2008-06-03

Posts 368
The Prairie Lands, USA

7 posted 2008-06-14 08:13 PM

Do they need to? I thought about it, but thought the context was more important than the actual perfection of the rhyme - and hoped they rhymed "enough?" Bad idea????

graeshine2006
Member

since 2008-06-03

Posts 368
The Prairie Lands, USA

8 posted 2008-06-14 08:16 PM

How's this chopstick?

I've seen your smile once.
And, oh - how it took me away,
To a place where romance flows
A place I'd like to stay.

And from that smile came my name
As I have never heard.
As if God gave you voice
on wings of a soaring bird.

Did you know? Could you tell?
Did my face show it's surprise,
When that smile took my heart
and wrapped it with a sigh?

I'd given up on romance.
Thought it's not for me.
But with your smile, in my mind
I wonder "could it be"?

So for now, I'll trust in fate
To show me if it's true.
That such a smile is heaven's gift
Sent to me through you.

graeshine2006
Member

since 2008-06-03

Posts 368
The Prairie Lands, USA

9 posted 2008-06-14 08:18 PM

ronald - I'm sorry, I really was sleepy.

Did my face show it's surprise,
When that smile took my heart
and wrapped it with a sigh?

That is one sentence - a question. Do you see it? What can I do to make it clearer?

ronald might
Junior Member

since 2008-06-05

Posts 19

10 posted 2008-06-15 11:58 AM

AHHH! i see it now! maybe its just me. sighs are usually a form of distress or a form of destress... but yes.. suppose the image of sigh could be used

i suggest you find an image that is more appealing..rather than sigh (with a "double" meaning) ...hmmm then again..thats interesting!!! hahah

graeshine2006
Member

since 2008-06-03

Posts 368
The Prairie Lands, USA

11 posted 2008-06-15 12:19 PM

lol... hmmm, to me a "sigh" is usually a good thing, a release of happiness found or comfort. thank you so much for responding to this!

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

12 posted 2008-06-15 02:01 PM

"Bad idea ????"

Don't bother me , but a hundred years from now I may not be here to read your poetry

Half rhyme , sometimes called slant , sprung or near rhyme is consonance on the final consonants of the words involved. Many half rhymes are also eye rhymes . It is widely used in Irish, Scottish, Welsh, and Icelandic verse . Some examples are ill and shell and also dropped and wept.

Btw, I'm not saying your rhyme was any of the above.

http://www.rhymer.com/

Bob K
Member Elite

since 2007-11-03

Posts 4208

13 posted 2008-06-16 03:44 PM

Dear Deb,

          I think your poem sounds pretty good.  The half rhymes and slant rhymes give it the feel of an Emily Dickinson poem and it's the sort of personal writing that really has an audience of one.

     I don't know how this guy shows that his romantic heart has been touched, but I suspect that this would be the poem that would find out.

     Make him a valentine to go with it, especially apt, I would think, because it's not Valentines day and maybe put something special on the the CD player.  Think about reading the thing out loud.  I suspect things will work out reasonably well.

Good luck with this very romantic piece of poetry designed so one person might show her love to another.
Very best from here, BobK.

graeshine2006
Member

since 2008-06-03

Posts 368
The Prairie Lands, USA

14 posted 2008-06-16 08:07 PM

Thanks all! He really liked it. I didn't get a date out of it (lol), but OH WELL! I like the poem also, so it's worth it!

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

15 posted 2008-06-18 09:10 PM

graeshine2006: This is a nice, romantic poem. If you are interested in the technical: rhyme, meter, and so forth, it's pretty much all over the place and poorly wrought. Read it out loud, try to scan it, and use your most sophisticated ear.

If you don't give a darn about that stuff, since the poem accomplished its purpose, that is 100% OK.

Best, Jimbeaux

graeshine2006
Member

since 2008-06-03

Posts 368
The Prairie Lands, USA

16 posted 2008-06-18 10:15 PM

Hi ocean - thanks. At this time - I don't really care about the rhyme, meter, etc. However, I will definetly take your advice and read it outloud and continue to do that with my other stuff! Thanks so much.

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