»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Ode to a Dying Puddle
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Ode to a Dying Puddle |
|
|
RC Langill Member
since 2008-03-09
Posts 104 |
Ode to a Dying Puddle Alas, poor mud puddle, you are dying, drying up. You are but a brief, shallow echo of you cousins: The ponds, lakes, and inland seas Which are themselves, all geologic eye blinks. You are dying because you seek to hold the water, And the water seeks to run, And when it cannot run, It flies into the air, leaving you dry While rivers and streams help ease their water's flow. Their water runs through in an ungrateful rush, And the more it gouges their beds and carves their banks, The longer the rivers remain. Water is Life, they tell us. Water and Life must flow. We may try our best to hold things, Or choose to let them go. And so, We choose to be puddles or rivers. Have at it, good people. RC Langill author of Simple Feelings & Deep Passions romantic poems from a real romance |
||
| © Copyright 2008 RC Langill - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
I like that we choose to be puddles or rivers.  I'm not much of a critic; I'm learning too much myself. I could do without so much repetition of "You", and the geologic eye blink line is a little cliche. |
||
|
RC Langill Member
since 2008-03-09
Posts 104 |
Thank you for your critique. In response to what you said, I first attempted some small fixes, but came to realize that the whole bit about other brief bodies of water was a side branch that was better pruned out. In the Open forum, serenity blaze warned against "they tell us", and correctly so. If something is taken as agreed upon, the poem should simply state it as such. "They" will provide no reinforcement against a counter argument. I made a couple other changes, that I hope improve the flow of this poem Ode to a Dying Puddle Alas, poor puddle, you are dying, drying up. You seek to hold the water, But the water seeks to run, And when it cannot run, It flies into the air, leaving you dry While rivers and streams all ease their water's flow. Their water runs through in a careless rush, And the more it gouges their beds and carves their banks, The longer the rivers remain. Water is Life in many ways. Water and Life must flow. We can try so hard to hold on, Or choose to let things go. And so, We choose to be puddles or rivers. |
||
|
oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi! First, it ain't an ode. (you can ask me why!) Second, as you indicate it's a work in progress. I'd keep working! Best, Jimbeaux |
||
|
oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi RC: Ok, you deserve better than what I gave you before. Presuming this was not written in jest -- and many posters have put up cheeky bits called “Not a Sonnet,” or “Not a Ballad,” the title is painful. It is not an “ode,” it is a ditty at best. A simple suggestion, call it “Mud Puddle.” Ode to a Dying Puddle “Alas, poor mud puddle, you are dying, drying up. Right off the bat, you are into a problem of anthropomorphism. Puddles do not die. They do, however, as you point out, dry up. On reading this first line, I thought we might be in for a great bit of satire, but that’s not how it plays out. “You are but a brief, shallow echo of you cousins: The ponds, lakes, and inland seas Which are themselves, all geologic eye blinks.” The logic doesn’t hold up. There is little relationship between the life span, geologically, between a puddle and an inland sea. If such sea might vanish in a geologic eye blink, the life span of a puddle doesn’t even begin to register on any known scale. And the anthropomorphism continues. “You are dying because you seek to hold the water,” Nonsense. The puddle is drying up. It’s not seeking to do anything. “And the water seeks to run, And when it cannot run,” More nonsense. Practically, water does not seek to run from puddles Water doesn’t have a will, and a puddle, a minor, seriously short term phenomenon, has no outlets. That’s why it’s a puddle. “It flies into the air, leaving you dry” Yep, well, so it goes. “While rivers and streams help ease their water's flow. Their water runs through in an ungrateful rush, And the more it gouges their beds and carves their banks, The longer the rivers remain” OK. Here we get to the start of a poem. I think you are talking about rivers and stream beds directing a flow, but not in control of it.. This is really interesting, and a thought worth pursuing. “Water is Life, they tell us. Water and Life must flow. We may try our best to hold things, Or choose to let them go.” Best lines in the poem, and they “let go” of the extended metaphor which doesn’t work. I’ll do what everyone despises and change one line: “Water is Life, they tell us; Water and Life must flow. We may try our best to hold (to)things, Or choose to let them go.” Now there, you have perfect 4 line epigraph which IS the poem. And quite a good observation! “And so, We choose to be puddles or rivers.” Nope, not here. This finish is not linked to the metaphor. It’s a moralistic tack-on. RC: I’ve read all your poems on C/A so far, but time has prevented lengthy comment. It seems, perhaps to me only, that you’re poems are either very very good, or, ah, awful. A little editorial detachment might help… Best, Jimbeaux |
||
|
RC Langill Member
since 2008-03-09
Posts 104 |
Refections On a Dying Puddle Alas, poor puddle, you are dying, drying up. For water will run, And fly, And seep away, And you will fail to hold it, And you will be gone. But rivers and streams all ease their water's flow. Water runs through in a careless rush, And the more it carves their banks and gouges their beds, The longer the rivers remain. Water is Life in many ways. Water and Life will flow. We can try so hard to hold on, Or choose to let things go, And so, We are also puddles or rivers. ocean2vu, I appreciate the time and attention you took in critiquing this poem. Chalk it up my contrarian nature that I chose to strengthen the extended metaphor instead of abandoning it. From the way you phrased it "a problem of anthropomorphism", I gathered that you may feel that anthropomorphism is a problem in and of itself. I don't see it a device that is flawed by its nature, but I have to admit that, in this case, reducing it improved this poem. "you seek" and "water seeks" imply motive and even consciousness, while "water will run", "you will fail", and "you will be gone" are statements of action and fact that sustain the theme more directly and forcefully. I cheerfully also give you credit for provoking the change to the title. I like the new one better. It's more accurate, and, at the same time, provides a teasing ambiguity to someone looking at a list of titles. |
||
|
oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi R.C. Good edit, and no harm butting heads a little bit. I'm not a big fan of anthrpomorphism, and really admire the changes, but the non-fan part is just me. More peculiarly, I'm not a big fan of metaphor or adjectives, either, but that just applies to my own stuff, wouldn't wish my nonsense on anyone else. You might enjoy looking at Grinch's poems on this forum. An entirely different and excellent approach. If you have the time to go through the Grinch poems and threads on this forum, you'll find both great poems and discussions. Not the only good work up here, of course. Brad, Ess, Serenity Jennifer Maxwell Susan Caldwell, Lucky, and Bobby all seem to take this stuff seriously. And that's just part of my personal list. Others have their own lists, as would be expected. One interesting discussion can be found under Grinch's "The Hunt". Best Jimbeaux |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
