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Please Don't
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Please Don't |
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Claira Member
since 2008-05-11
Posts 102British but living in Thailand 
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I'm a bit stuck, not sure this one is working. And can I use solve and resolve? Doesn't sit right. Any help willing accepted. Thanks Claire Ok I've edited this a bit now, feels better but still not quite right. Off to sneak into school for bit before bedtime. Please Don’t Please don’t roar or raise your voice You know you really have a choice Can we not try to reason this out? Without resorting to screams and shout Please don’t talk to me that way Otherwise I'll walk away If you holler, I’ll start to yell Meaningless words, nothing to tell Please don’t use that derisive tone It leaves me small. I feel so alone Ranted frustrations that you direct With me as subject, do not connect Please just tell me what is wrong We’ll work this out before too long I’ll try my best with all resolve Until this dilemma, we crack and solve |
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SkaaDee Member
since 2008-04-07
Posts 116Canada |
pretty good. sometimes when the poem is not sounding right, I rearrange the lines to make the rhyme internal. It's a good exercise and can yield some interesting ideas. eg. Please don’t roar or raise your voice, a choice, you know you have. Can we not reason this thing out, without shouts and screams ? |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
Rhymes seldom make good poetry. The last paragraph sounds corny. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
 Nothing to do with you, Claira...some things just strike me as humorous.  |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
quote: IYHO, of course. Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'll let others argue the rhyme/no rhyme thing. My opinion: it depends on the subject matter and what you are trying to accomplish. What I see is a dramatic moment where one, the speaker, is talking to a silent listener. Besides the fun of telling the one who is silent to stop talking, I don't see any real 'movement' here. Nothing, in fact, is resolved. We have a photograph, I think you should write a moving picture. We have a slice, I think we should see more of the loaf. |
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RC Langill Member
since 2008-03-09
Posts 104 |
"Please just tell me what is wrong" This line is a good assertive line to close this poem. It changes the focus from saying what you don't want to what you do want. Unfortunately, the next lines lose that energy, especially the last two. "dilemma" can be used loosely to mean problem, but the normal implication is that you must choose between two unpleasant alternatives, and you haven't set that up. Even changing dilemma to problem doesn't get around the feeling that those lines were pushed into place to accommodate the rhyme. Writing poetry under the constraints of rhyming can add creativity and energy to your work, but it can also box you in. I don't see good things working with resolve/solve, and they don't get to your main point: being treated with respect. Making "respect" the capping rhyme will give this poem the strong finish you've started. It also opens the door wider for finding a good rhyming pair word. The fact that you'd be echoing the prior direct/connect simply adds more emphasis. |
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Claira Member
since 2008-05-11
Posts 102British but living in Thailand |
Thanks everyone for your comments. I will be re-reading them again. SkaaDee- think internal rhyme is a bit advance for me right now. Russell, sorry but for me poetry must always rhyme. I don't think I'll ever break away from that. Balladeer, I'll talk to you in class soon, I'm sure when I get the gist of meter I can probably improve this enormously. Brad, I take your points on board, it does need more substance. RC, thank you for your input. I totally agree with the dilemma part. I did initially put in problem but didn't like it. You made some very valid points and helped me see another way to work this. Many thanks to all  Claira |
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