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Critical Analysis #2
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Eighteen Years Younger
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Eighteen Years Younger |
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Scott_Tarlow New Member
since 2008-05-10
Posts 1 |
Hello everyone, here is my first poem on this forum. I would have done some critique first, but then i would feel like a hypocrite. This Poem i feel needs some good C&C,I'm stuck with what to do with it. Thanks in advance for the help Eighteen Years Younger When my father was eighteen years younger, He gave me his mortal youth, so I may Prosper. His ability to play catch, Has long faded into potato chips And JAG. In my prime, his strength fades: brown hair Gone from an autumn, to a cold cracked winter. When I was nineteen years younger, I gave My son my mortal youth, so that I could see Him prosper. My ability to play ball, Has long faded into energy drinks And Wikipedia. In his prime, my Strength fades: White skin gone from smooth to cratered. When my grandson is born, eventually His youth will fade, but not with potato Chips. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
There are so many practical difficulties with this poem that it is almost impossible to know where to begin. So, I’ll begin with the title: “Eighteen Years Younger” I would ask, “Eighteen years younger” than what? It clearly doesn’t mean eighteen years ago. It doesn’t mean that eighteen years ago has a specific resonance within the context of the poem, since the poem specifically goes on to reference “nineteen years,” and an indefinite time frame of “eventually.” Titles are tough and I’m not about to suggest on for this piece though you might consider “Untitled” and let the first line stand for itself. The serious difficulty lies in the unfathomable chronology. “When my father was eighteen years younger,” A rational reading would suggest that the writer is eighteen years old. Nothing in the rest of the poem suggests that that is the case. Pretty much dead in the water right here. “He gave me his mortal youth, so I may” The word you want is “might”, throughout. “Mortal youth” is not what the poem says at all. Apparently, he taught the poet to play catch. There is a heck of a lot more to passing on “youthfulness” than that, no? “His ability to play catch, Has long faded into potato chips And JAG. “ OK, the poem’s” Pop” has grown old and become a chip munching, TV watching couch potato. Not a bad image at all. Then the poem gets lost in syntax: “In my prime, his strength fades:” What the poem is saying is “as I mature, his strength decline.” So why not say that? “brown hair Gone from an autumn, to a cold cracked winter” His hair turned grey. Happens to most of us. But I don’t know of anyone whose hair gets cold and cracked. Mostly, it just goes grey, white, or missing. When I was nineteen years younger, I gave My son my mortal youth, No, in fact the poet didn’t. Youth is not within the province of a or parent to “give.” One can participate in the mechanics of birth. After that, “youth,” barring heart wrenching circumstance, is inevitable. “ so that I could see” Could is a “might.” No one has control over these things. “Him prosper. My ability to play ball, Has long faded into energy drinks And Wikipedia. In his prime, my Strength fades: White skin gone from smooth to cratered.” Just continues the confusion. “When my grandson is born, eventually His youth will fade, but not with potato Chips.” A nonsense statement. Maybe his youth will fade with Cheetos instead, but poets and parents will have nothing to do with it. This is not a “dumb” poem, simply a poorly executed one. What might happen if the poet decided to write just one stanza from the heart? It would be interesting to know what the poet’s father actually passed on, beyond the ability to play “pepper” on a ball field, what he father wished to pass on to his son. There is something going on here. Why not tackle it a bit at a time and work it out with something other than inept word play? Just me yappin’ Jimbeaux. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Jim is right, but its something we all screw up on from time to time. I see a lot of interesting things that could be done here but my guess is that it was rushed. The only thing that bothers me is that this time cycle doesn't really cover the difference between the speaker's father, the speaker's son, and/or the grandson. Each is different and that should at least be touched on in order to bring out a fuller picture, don't you think? |
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