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Critical Analysis #2
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Indelible Alton
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Indelible Alton |
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Chiyeung New Member
since 2008-04-27
Posts 8NY, USA |
I really wish ti improve this poem any sort of criticism is appreciated Indelible Alton On the turn of Alton we pass the time The Bird's Nest, See not a new soul Sweet Devils water, imbibed and elates our mind Our only escape in range Until the psychopomp's boat is in sight Must we see the lights? 13 candles lit in the most exquisite flame Still, not a way to see out of indelible Alton As the ambitions wash away with the rain The dreams die fast as quick as their creation 616 days of restive nights Work through all the frights Of the 3rd shift nights Speak the Ave Maria to Him Staying on the limbo would be a sin The gate is opening maybe a path will be made Fifteen years since her wake She never said I would make it A dream like hers but it never faded I would face it no matter what it takes Indelible Alton never escapes you Papa's sweet old town was always the same Anthony's cross stay hung by the gates Part of the life was trying to achieve the fame The purgatory is in the horizon, our fate? Four stars would illuminate the truth Shut our eyes to our dismay Would not mask the remnants of our pain The sin of our old ways As we drink Papa's water with no shame So I escape like in the holiest dream Three men lead me through the forest 7 Old ways sent through a fire Lethe quenched as I drowned the tallest Led to His song heard in dire Bored 16 year old living in New York City |
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| © Copyright 2008 Chiyeung - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Sorry, it took so long to get to this one. Not sure why there have been no replies here. Chalk it to a couple of beautiful days. It is spring. A couple things: You need to turn on your crit OK button. It's in your profile and says, I think, accepts 'constructive critiques'. quote: Are you on an expressway? quote: I see a list, a passing list as if viewing things from a car. So far, so good. Difficult but you've set the reader up in a lot of places here. The words you use seem to indicate a more high-minded tone. It is unclear, however, if you can keep it up. quote: I think you've jumped too quickly to the abstract. You still have 13 candles, apparently still burning, in the rain. quote: I like the number here. I don't see where you draw on its significance. quote: By this point, you've dropped the high minded tone. That's not a bad thing, but you might consider reworking this or the above. quote: I read this as the turn, the real turn to the poem. But again, you retreat into abstraction (dream). Why not describe the scene? quote: Why would Alton (means 'old town') want to escape from me or you? I don't understand this part. quote: By now, the pattern is clear. I'd drop the religious/spiritual stuff and stick to description -- Ironically, this would probably make it more a poem about spirituality than by being so direct. quote: I suspect you have multiple thoughts going on inside your head. Unfortunately, nothing is peeking out as dominant here. Choose one (my choice is the description) and work from there. Good luck. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Maybe we were waiting for you Brad . I know I was. I like the poem even though I did not understand every bit of it , but in this rare case I think it is the readers fault . The poem could have been laced with cliché , but I don’t think I saw one. I think you did a good job. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Waiting for me? Sorry, probably not a good thing to do these days. What impressed you here? |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“What impressed you here?” Brad, I like one liners and most of the poem was one liners. I believe I would have liked it better had I understood it more. Half of the lines could have been clichés, but were not. Anyhow I liked the sound of the poet’s name. I hope this helps. |
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