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Critical Analysis #2
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walter l. jones
New Member
since 2007-10-26
Posts 4
Wisconsin USA

0 posted 2008-04-01 10:09 PM



Evergreen

dries

fire

of

fire

flies
Sparrow takes a drink from my hand

Whispers of need left on cold trust
Pretty Little

butterfly

turns

to

dust




Lust for life is pure

Rebel cries for help

Mind rests in vision

Off in distance needed
She placed her hand in mine

For a time we walked

Out of the past

To remember

Merry go round

Faith in-bounds
I read her note

On a picture

"Mirror of my soul

I love you for ever

now, you

must

go"
So we play among truth cast aside

Lovers in tired eyes

Sliver of things said

Bring and ring upon

Round stones

Polished by love

Water falls

In pools

Eyes cry

Deep
Watch waves break

Toes cool in wake

Drink twists hope

Words fade to sand

Wasted in lonely

Truth is kept

We sleep

Regret or truth

Hid for another time

© Copyright 2008 Walter L. Jones - All Rights Reserved
eminor_angel
Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323
Canada
1 posted 2008-04-02 01:48 AM


Your lines are very disjointed and at times seem to have little to do with each other.
I suggest developing your images further, rather than just breaking the line and jumping to the next thought. Also, this would be easier to read if it weren't centered. I don't believe that format is adding to your poem.

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