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Critical Analysis #2
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Lost Dust
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Lost Dust |
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walter l. jones New Member
since 2007-10-26
Posts 4Wisconsin USA |
Trust in dust comes no more Wayward light pushes me A bottle floating in her hope Let your light shine down Resurrect the heart of sound Love me well Boon travels into the heathen rescue of flowers Moon folds shadows to cups seeking lasting hours Worn corners as the sleeve bleeds into would be Torn fabric weaves into the black heart in our sea Wind travels from sunken chest to river of whom Tomb left on a pyre of smoke, as coyote will find Mind is empty on a post release of final power Hour passes to the avenue of hearts almost blind Return lady reaches the perfect mark placed page tore Born once again on willow of breaking souls to more Unborn child pushes against a new world so perfect of store Reminders of new at home slackers of fate in bottle pours Angel on a star signs to be Spirit on heavens door left Ripple of wedge christen fate Laughter is sent on hope gone Trust in dust comes no more |
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| © Copyright 2008 Walter L. Jones - All Rights Reserved | |||
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
Your rhyme scheme isn't consistent for these two stanzas: "Wind travels from sunken chest to river of whom Tomb left on a pyre of smoke, as coyote will find Mind is empty on a post release of final power Hour passes to the avenue of hearts almost blind" That notwithstanding, I would suggest rewriting this as free verse to see what you're comfortable paring down. I think this poem would do better with fewer words. |
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badboypoet Member
since 2008-03-11
Posts 96 |
I dunno. Probably just me but it didn't seem to make a lot of sense. Not saying that it's bad but I didn't get it. And that is probibly more my fault than yours. |
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dwgpoet Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122FL, USA |
I agree with eminor_angel and badboypoet. Writing the entire poem out in free verse and including the symbolism written out in explanation for each symbolc word, (such as "moon") may help a poet see were to use a symbolism and where not too. I know that I am not one to talk. If you read my "Introduction to Team Verses" you'll see that I need to take my own advice. I am the stove, calling the match hot. copyright dwgpoet 2007 |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Uh, this is free verse. The problem, I think, is the lack of any real sentence structure. That combined with, for the most part, end stopped lines gives the illusion of something going on when nothing actually is. At least, I can't get a hold of anything regular here. Two general points: 1. Iambic can go in many directions, but it still needs to be there somewhere. Even flamboyant Milton brings his excursions back to earth with strick, regular lines. 2. Endstopped lines like this still need to be semantically coherent. One, I think, can go this route in some cases, but you still need a hint of something to tie it together. Of course, if there is something here and I'm just missing it, I'd love to hear about it. |
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SkaaDee Member
since 2008-04-07
Posts 116Canada |
I write poems similar to this on occasion. I find at lot ideas packed into it. After that I would take it apart idea by idea and write a poem on each. I would still cherish the orginal poem - I would be allowing it to mother. example. Trust in dust comes no more Wayward light pushes me A bottle floating in her hope ****************************** Trust in dust comes no more since wayward light pushed hope in a bottle. ****************************** ... that is intriguing. Has that combination of words ever been uttered ? ******************************** Raising neglected eyes, the curtain swayed seemingly for the first time - ever. trust in dust comes no more since wayward light pushed hope in a bottle. what seemed to be a bird, but not a bird, slowly winged into the room - only in light. odd, I don't recall such Norman Rockwell brilliance. the libation in the light seemed out of reach yet satisfyingly close. last night's empties in the dark seemed strangely distant and irritating. rising from the bed I awkwardly greeted the new day. *************************** I hope you do not mind me taking so many liberties. Very interesting imagery you have provided. |
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