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Critical Analysis #2
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Quixotic
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Quixotic |
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Edgewise Junior Member
since 2008-03-23
Posts 19Chicago |
Repudiate the dosage, With a sneer and a wave, Swagger off the razors edge, Into Don Quixote’s cave, Legends meet the madness to stave off disaster, Starving beggars hamper the effort To separate slave from master, It’s an epic struggle, on par with any individual myth maker, Humanities desire to match wits with the scythe slayer, Shaken by the effort of the windmill attack, Threat recedes, the giant bleeds, And still advances despite the stabs. It’s love platonic with sonic verses, Slamming against the synergy, Flighty energy of the throbbing seas, Throwing itself at misery. Yes, the writing on the wall is etched in gasoline and graffiti, Energy in stasis meant to feed the greedy flames, Whether matchstick, lighter, or napalm method, It’s all an arsonists game, When a confluence of factors, Forms an arsonists mistake, And so the flames procreate, Leaving you to watch your wall burn down, Despite all measures to the contrary, Your stomach churns in awe, At the metaphor you accomplished, With just a minutes notice, Left naked to the universe, And the cackling chorus. Nobody ever finally looses their soul- they only piss away 99/100 of it. |
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McMongrel Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 17North Carolina, USA |
I liked some of the images: "writing on the wall is etched in gasoline and graffiti" "Swagger off the razor's edge" Some will tell you that the writing IS graffiti, and so cannot be etched in graffiti, but I think that puts too much emphasis on literal reading. I still like the image. I do think you lose the rhythm. In my view if you start with a rhythm it is best to stick to it, so you might want to consider rewriting a bit. For example: "Repudiate the dosage, With a sneer and a wave, Swagger off the razors edge, Into Don Quixote’s cave" has a tighter meter than: "Legends meet the madness to stave off disaster, Starving beggars hamper the effort To separate slave from master" It might be the three syllables of "separate", or maybe where the stress falls. I also did not get some of the symbolism, but I might just need to read more closely. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I liked this - it just needs a little tweaking here and there, well worth the effort in my opinion. |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
First of all, I liked this. It was refreshing to read. Though the line about the writing on the wall could be considered correct (if you interpret graffiti to be a style of writing, ie. you could say that the writing was etched on the wall in calligraphy) but I would consider changing it nonetheless, because by making the reader stop and figure it out, as McMongrel and I did, it halts the flow of your poem. A punctuation thing: "It’s all an arsonists game, When a confluence of factors, Forms an arsonists mistake" should be arsonist's because it's possessive. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I keep coming back to this - perhaps it’s a sign. When I get my thoughts together I’ll try to explain what it’s a sign of. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: That pretty much sums it up for me. I see association after association, bizarre phrasings -- scythe slayer: the man who slays scythes? I wonder if scythe swinger (gunslinger) might be better here. love platonic: why the inversion? And all sorts of odds and ends. To be fair, you have some interesting stuff but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. It's a drill and that's fine (not really but I can live with it), and it does make me want to see the finished product so in that sense, I guess in succeeded. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I keep coming back to it too. It's very intriguing--and I'm a mythology addict, and I really love the delve into the Don Quixote. It's a bit more complex than I have time for right now, but I hope to come back to this--you have certainly captured my interest and kindled my own imagination. I like your name, your title, your subject, and your signature, too. That first line I'd love to steal as my own. I'll be back. My apologies for my sorry memory of the story would certainly miss what you are alluding to here. But you made me want to look deeper into this.  I came back to add that I always start with the title. So I found this helpful. quix·ot·ic (kwk-stk) also quix·ot·i·cal (--kl) adj. 1. Caught up in the romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unreachable goals; idealistic without regard to practicality. 2. Capricious; impulsive: "At worst his scruples must have been quixotic, not malicious" Louis Auchincloss. (definition courtesy of: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/quixotic) I think that helped me a bit... |
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