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Not Today

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A.Grace
Junior Member
since 03-02-2008
Posts 31


0 posted 03-20-2008 09:38 PM       View Profile for A.Grace   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for A.Grace

Do not- I beg you- try to take it back.
Not today, not as I wake
hopeful and warm in my bed,
deceived as I breathe.

The morning sun begins to tease.
It fills my room with pink and tender
light that dances to distract me
from the shadows.

Do not- I beg you, take it back today.
Not today, the songbirds outside
are singing too sweetly;
they grasp the branches blooming

with delicate buds that smell sublime.
Innocence smells that way.
And when the blossoms start to die,
a chill will settle in my bones.

Do not (I beg you) take it back.
Not today, yet if you must
then take it back tomorrow.
If thatís when your heart decides to leave

then on that cold and vacant day-
with my severed mind;
I will close my eyes and kill the birds,
and cut you free.

© Copyright 2008 A.Grace - All Rights Reserved
RCat
Member
since 02-16-2008
Posts 70


1 posted 03-21-2008 04:33 PM       View Profile for RCat   Email RCat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for RCat

Just and inflection with economy and what I feel youíre expressing. In this type of poem, IMO, less is always more.


The morning sun begins to tease,
then fills my room with pink
tender light.

Please donít leave.

The songbirds outside
sing as they grasp the branches
with delicate buds.

Please donít leave today.

If you must leave, if thatís your hearts
decisionóthen do it tomorrow. I will kill
the birds in the morning and set

you free.
A.Grace
Junior Member
since 03-02-2008
Posts 31


2 posted 03-24-2008 09:01 PM       View Profile for A.Grace   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for A.Grace

"Just and inflection with economy and what I feel youíre expressing. In this type of poem, IMO, less is always more."
---------------------------------------

Ralph, you are definitely a "less is more" type of guy.  I'm going to start calling you "the butcher" the way you trim the fat!  I do like your version, however, I don't think I'll cut that deep.  

Thanks for your input, I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.

Angie  
eminor_angel
Member
since 05-22-2003
Posts 327
Canada


3 posted 03-27-2008 06:25 PM       View Profile for eminor_angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for eminor_angel

Hi,

I really liked where you're going with this. One little thing I'd think about changing is:

"with delicate buds that smell sublime.
Innocence smells that way."

I would choose an actual scent to describe the buds. That way you're making a more tangible comparison between innocence and the buds. I felt a little gypped by thess lines because they could be awesome, and they got sold a little short. I'd like to see your ideas, should you decide to change it. Again, great poem, great message, so true!
dwgpoet
Member
since 03-05-2007
Posts 123
FL, USA


4 posted 03-28-2008 11:15 PM       View Profile for dwgpoet   Email dwgpoet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit dwgpoet's Home Page   View IP for dwgpoet


Hi Angie,

Being only a dwgpoet student,
I never know how to critique
until I can feed off of others comments.

1) I do not totally agree with Ralph's IMO "less is more."
Although I prefer the short poems of Edward Dorn and E.E.C.,
I also loved the "smell" of Walt Whitman's poem after poem after
poem of the same "leaves of grass."

Maybe, breaking your poem up into two poems, an A) page
and a B) page could work.

2) eminor_angel's comments about an actual scent
"with delicate buds that smell sublime.
Innocence smells that way."

I like the "m"s of "blossoms" "blooming" "smells sublime"
I would put the actuual smell after Innocence.

Keep em coming, wonderful.

copyright dwgpoet 2007

Seoulair
Senior Member
since 03-27-2008
Posts 776
Seoul S.Korea


5 posted 03-29-2008 02:41 AM       View Profile for Seoulair   Email Seoulair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seoulair

I love this poem. The feeling was very clear.

But I would like to read without the last Stanza. If a significant unwanted thing was about to be taken back  then the words of cold and vacant were not enough  because the strong begging voice has expressed the pain of lower one's dignity .

and  
If thatís when your heart decides to leave
I would like to read with an added stillafter the word of heart

badboypoet
Junior Member
since 03-11-2008
Posts 45


6 posted 04-02-2008 02:29 AM       View Profile for badboypoet   Email badboypoet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for badboypoet

I'm new here and not really a poetry expert or anything like that, but the two women at my door earlier today, with pamphlets written by god or someone who is pretty tight with the big man, told me, "I gotta give a little, to get a little".

It's a nice poem. I like some of the imagry. And I ain't trying to mean or nuth'n, but it seems too old fashioned, but in a way that it's really trying hard to be old fashioned, written by someone who ain't old fashioned but has read a lot of poetry like that. I dunno if that makes sense. Like I said, that ain't menat to be mean because it's a good poem. But hey, what do I now. I'm not very good a descecting poetry, but I'd like to learn.
dwgpoet
Member
since 03-05-2007
Posts 123
FL, USA


7 posted 04-04-2008 01:36 AM       View Profile for dwgpoet   Email dwgpoet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit dwgpoet's Home Page   View IP for dwgpoet


Yes, Badboypoet. You are an astute
young fellow, to recognize G D's spirit
upon the two.

I hope they carried AWAKEs to keep
you on your WATCHTOWER.

A.Grace, I still liked your poem and will read the revision if you choose to make one.

Asta,
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


8 posted 04-11-2008 06:13 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

I think RCat and bbpoet are right that is a little wordy, a little affected, but I'm not sure the situation can be done any other way.

I would cut some of the early foreshadowing/juxtapostition (for example, 'shadows') and 'accentuate the positive'.

Then:


then on that cold and vacant day-
I will close my eyes and kill the birds.

try to create an abrupt shift in tone with that last stanza.

I enjoyed the poem.


SkaaDee
Member
since 04-07-2008
Posts 115
Canada


9 posted 04-11-2008 09:00 PM       View Profile for SkaaDee   Email SkaaDee   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit SkaaDee's Home Page   View IP for SkaaDee


nice poem.

I would remove the word "light" in stanza two.

it seems redundant.

but that's just me.
A.Grace
Junior Member
since 03-02-2008
Posts 31


10 posted 04-16-2008 09:27 PM       View Profile for A.Grace   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for A.Grace

Thanks everyone for the comments, it helps with the re-writes.

Much appreciated,
A.
free soul
New Member
since 01-09-2009
Posts 6
between the sky and earth


11 posted 01-09-2009 01:58 PM       View Profile for free soul   Email free soul   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for free soul

HI THERE,IM NEW HERE SO IM NOT SURE THAT MY REPLY WILL BE TAKEN IN YOUR CONSEDERATION BUT THERE'S ONE THING I NEED TO SAY FOR SURE..IS THAT PEOPLE THESE DAYS LOVE THE DEEP WORDS..THE ONES THAT HOLDS GREAT MEANING AND A STORY.
 
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