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Reaping (sonnet)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Reaping (sonnet) |
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A.Grace Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 31 |
Deep within the corn we sense the worms, they hide and wait; Protected inside enfolding husks that seal our fate. At summer’s end, with sunburned skin, we know to be true; how tiny things amass to completely devastate. If we'd listened more closely we might have heard them chew, and squirm while growing fat, within the darkness we knew. How easy pretending there’s hope in the spring, instead the crops now fail and marriages end and life is through. We hear the rustle now, of things so subtly said. They are stirring up the dust we’ve swept beneath the beds. Our static selves attract the particles of our shame; While outside yonder window lay our dreams, dried and dead. In this barren, lonely world of purely selfish games; At last we realize, there’s only ourselves to blame. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Not a sonnet, at least not under any of the accepted definitions or forms. The line count is right, the meter is wrong and the rhyme scheme is interesting but still wrong. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Could you break that down for me Pete? I don't mean to be a tedious nuisance, but I've been known to be.  Where did A.Grace go wrong here? I really enjoyed the metaphor too, Grace. And even if it is not a sonnet, it was smooth reading and an enjoyable read. |
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A.Grace Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 31 |
I believe Pete is right. I wrote this from a monthly challenge on a different web site, where the rhyme scheme had to be aaba, ccdc, eefe, gg. I have 13 syllables in each line, and I tweaked so that b rhymes with c, d to e, etc. It didn't state anywhere on the challege that this was a sonnet, however someone commenting on my poem called it a sonnet. Not knowing any better I thought perhaps this was a sonnet, some type that I hadn't heard of before. I shouldn't have put that it was a sonnet without being sure. Thanks for clearing that up Pete. Angie PS- thanks serenity blaze for your nice comment! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
You're very welcome Angie. I'm glad to be of help if I can. What you have written does have merit as "not a sonnet." The rhyme scheme, BTW, matches Frost's "Stopping by Woods", except for the couplet, of course. And it is a very pleasing one for sure. The generally accepted meter for a sonnet is iambic pentameter. That is 5 iambic feet per line. The generally accepted structure for an English sonnet is 3 quatrains and a rhyming couplet and the rhyme scheme is a-b-a-b-c-d-c-d-e-f-e-f-g-g. And remember, it is not sufficient to count syllables. of more importance is how those syllables interact with one another to form poetic feet. Pete |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thanks for the re-Pete! I keep getting my forms confused, and as always, I seem to write with two left feet? *wince*  But thanks Pete, and thank you again, Grace, so aptly named. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
There’s a good poem in there, you just need to tease it out, start by stripping the lines down: Deep down within the corn we sense the worms, Protected in the husks that seal our fate. At summers end we know it to be true, How tiny things amassed can devastate. Then fit the rhyme scheme: Deep down within the corn the worms bore through, Protected in the husks that seal our fate. At summers end we know it to be true, How tiny things amassed can devastate. Then fix the meter: I'll leave that to you. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Dang, that's pretty impressing Karen. I can't write with either foot.   |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Why the sonnet form? I would go for something more compact. For the first stanza, for example. Deep in the corn the worms await Safe in the husks that seal our fate. We know by summer's end and fall, Small things grow up devouring all. |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
Line 2: why do the husks "seal our fate"? Line 3: consider "sunburned skin's" merits and sense of connection to the whole. "we know it true:" is possible over extant. Line 4: more apt word than "amass" available? Line 6: "squirm" seems contrary; can it be heard? "while growing fat" seems a bit out-of-place. Line 7: "to pretend" over "pretending"? "with spring comes hope, but instead" over the extant? Line 8: "marriages end" doesn't fit. MORE ABOUT THE CROPS? Line 9: "things" is vague. Line 10:"they" has no refer rant. "we" over "we've". "are stirring up" could be condensed as well. Line 11: VERY interesting, but also a bit wordy. Line 12: "while in the fields outside out window/house/ect ect..." possible over extant. * The final lines use too many modifiers and other words; TRIM them. Hope this helps, good luck poet. |
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