»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
My Words Won't Dance
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
My Words Won't Dance |
|
|
McMongrel Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 17North Carolina, USA |
The words won't dance. My tuneless song leaves them cold. They stand like wallflowers in awkward silence. I cannot create Montale's music. Bukowski's beat escapes me. The Ovidian opera is a hopeless dream. I write down words that have no dancing shoes. They are like deaf men at the opera. Pavorotti has always been dead to them. But perhaps if they stand in the wings the beat will rise from the floor through their feet and set them to tapping. The words speak to me, imparting wisdom gained through years of flying promiscuously from poet to poet. Be true to your voice, they say. Do not twist your words to the ear of those who read them. Those who will hear you will hear you. |
||
| © Copyright 2008 McMongrel - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
McMongrel, I must say IMO this is much better effort in relation to what preceded. Your attention to spelling and basic grammar is noted, and you’ve done a nice job exploring a coherent stream of metaphor here. IMO this is a nice draft that needs to be trimmed and polished. I also think you need to alter the diction into a contemporary style rather than reach back per se. You could actually use this as a device in the poem --- your “old voice” in the opening and your true voice (which is always rooted in the Now) emerging in the last stanza or two. Here’s a quick clipping as I would tend to gravitate. I dropped the extended “music metaphor” because this has been used to the point of cliché. I believe my revision maintains your core message, but with more compact structure. Feel free to throw it in the trash --- I am not intending to say “look this is better.” It’s simply MY crit and edit of YOUR poem. However, I do think you should note how much tighter your poem can be. In addition, I highly recommend you read contemporary poetry and leave the “old men” in the past. This is especially true if you have any ambitions of being viable today verses a reflection of past years. Good luck, and keep up the good work. My words will not dance, they stand like geraniums in dried silence. No Montale music. No Bukowski beat. Ovidian verse is hopeless dream. My words are like old men feeding pigeons in the park. But suddenly—after years of promiscuous fancy from poet to poet—true words come to me: I am not Montale. I am not Bukowski. I am the infinitely singular universe of me. |
||
|
A.Grace Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 31 |
McMongrel, I love the idea of this poem. Fantastic! However I do think the line breaks need to be improved. (example) They are like deaf men at the opera. Pavorotti has always been dead to them. But perhaps if they stand in the wings the beat will rise from the floor through their feet and set them to tapping. I really liked the first and second stanzas. The metaphor/comparisons were great, it grabbed me. The rest of it kind of faded away. I do think RCat's version is really good. I think you do need to trim yours up a bit. I'd maybe follow along the line of RCat's revision, he cut out quite a bit, however, it had the great parts in it. Something to think about. I loved this, it's a great poem. A. |
||
|
oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi, Ralph: RE: "In addition, I highly recommend you read contemporary poetry and leave the “old men” in the past. This is especially true if you have any ambitions of being viable today verses a reflection of past years." A wonderful example of youthful arrogance. Not a problem. It is the job of youth to reject the past. Each generation may reject and/or reformulate the past. On the other hand, a knowledge of the "past" (Bukowski and "old man?" Yeesh!) gives the new generation a sense of what it is possible to be different from. Very little happens in a void. You might think about recouching this statement as a proposition and put it up in The Alley or P101. Then duck.  Jimbeaux |
||
|
oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi McMongrel! RE: "Be true to your voice, they say. Do not twist your words to the ear of those who read them. Those who will hear you will hear you." Well put, and unless one sets out to write generic verse or generic fiction, more true than not. Individual expression is one of the joy's of working with poetry. Poetry today is not exactly a mass media phenomenon. If you wish to be heard, well, good. If you don't wish to be heard, well, good too. Neither intention has much to do with poetry per se, so you just do what you do. This poem suggests that you are doing well, thinking about what you are thinking about. This is a little less common than might be presumed. Best, Jimbeaux  |
||
|
RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
oceanvu2, I'm not a youngster myself (pushing 50) and don't take things so literal on a poetry site... |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
