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Wrested Development
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Wrested Development |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
Hey again, I like the way this turned out in some ways, but in others I need help. So I hope to get some feedback from whom ever reads this and look forward to some revision!  Thanks in advanceThe clock dulls my mind-- into a soundless delirium, of sorts-- the mindless cohorts of my manifest. In all my dreams, of twenty-six syllable soldiers-- wrested into a charge on my Cerebellum; I never once wondered about the gun tired, rock-rested struggles of the weary ones-- marching while asleep, but limping along all the same; In the Cranial Pursuit on the warping spine. Before my God-like vantage point, I sit seeing 'P' and his buddies 'O' and 'W', make one last freedom run on the base-- of the Frontal Lobe. But lined up and shot, all the same-- reeling with twisted, death-fisted bodies, and shoved in shuttered metal envelopes-- ready to be posted home. Alarum drowns out the rest, as a Cock-a-doodle-dooo-- greets the piercing sun, and my anyhill home, with it's uncaring insignificance. [This message has been edited by Treagal (03-16-2008 03:45 AM).] |
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A.Grace Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 31 |
Treagel, I think you have some nice ideas here, but they just need a little tweaking. The clock dulls my mind-- (I would lose the dashes, also why does the clock dull your mind? The ticking of it, the slowness of it? Perhaps you could say "The ticking clock dulls my mind" something along those lines) into a soundless delirium, of sorts-- the mindless cohorts of my manifest. (I'm not sure what you mean here, who are the cohorts? of your manifest? you're using that as a noun right? Isn't a manifest a list of passengers? If so, I don't think this makes sense. Maybe you should use it as a verb and say something like "the mindless cohorts manifesting..." to lead into the dreams line that comes next) In all my dreams, of twenty-six syllable soldiers-- (? What are twenty-six syllable soldiers?) wrested into a charge on my Cerebellum;(I like that image) -----------I have to quit here, however I'll be back to finish the rest later. A. |
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A.Grace Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 31 |
Okay, back again. I never once wondered about the gun tired, rock-rested struggles of the weary ones-- (no dashes, I'm not sure about "rock-rested" but I do like both of those lines) marching while asleep, but limping along all the same; (redundant) In the Cranial Pursuit on the warping spine. (huh? I would re-phrase this line, and you have it capitalized like the game. Also, I'm not sure I like warping spine, although I see the image you're trying to convey) Before my God-like vantage point, (Why is it God-like? Because it's in a dream?) I sit seeing 'P' and his buddies 'O' and 'W', (I would just say POW's, otherwise it sounds like a song my kids would learn in school, very out of place with the rest of the poem) make one last freedom run on the base-- (no dashes) of the Frontal Lobe. But lined up and shot, all the same-- (comma, no dashes) reeling with twisted, death-fisted bodies, and shoved in shuttered metal envelopes-- (no dashes) ready to be posted home. (Great visuals in this stanza) Alarum drowns out the rest,(I think alarum is a little archaic, I had to look it up to see that it was actually a word- I would use "alarm") as a Cock-a-doodle-dooo--(no dashes) greets the piercing sun, and my anyhill home, (I think of piercing sun as more of a high noon, middle of the day type of sun, not morning sun) with it's uncaring insignificance. (I liked this last line, wraps it up nice) I'm still not really sure what the dream means to the person, was he in the war- these are flashbacks? Maybe you could expand on that. Anyway, I hope this helps a little. A. |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
Thanks for the read. Although you failed to grasp certain aspects Clocks are symbolic of time my friend and thus that. the 26 letters of the alphabet are the 'crew' of my manifest. Which is made clear in the 2nd stanza Getting the line '26 syllable soldiers' is integral to getting my poem. I thought it was obvious I was talking about The Alphabet. 26 syllables get it? I don't mean for my response to be a little hurried, I am at work sorry if it sounds to aggressive. How is But limping along all the same redundant? If your asleep and forcing yourself to push on anyways? I chose not to say 'POW' strait for a reason. It personifies individual letters of the alphabet, which is a theme of this poem, it's not subtle I know, but that is the point, and it's not overly non-apparent. Not so out of place anymore? Or still? I can try diff. things. It's my God-like vantage point because it is a dream, and the clock also signifies sleeping, so it's pushing almost triple duty in that respect. The dashes are supposed to be em-dashes, but I can't find the long dash on my keyboard (stupid me) Alarum is great for this poem, it symbolizes waking up, while at the same time the call to arms of my letter waking with me to begin a new battle in the 'real' world. The sun is always a piercing ray of spectacle, I don't care if it's high noon, or the middle of the night the sun will always be piercing in my mind I spose, I respect your thought on this though, I see what your saying. With that said, I think it's explained thoroughly enough, I didn't think I would have to, but eh some things you just can't see in fore-sight, I appreciate you taking time out to critique this in detail, hope you come back and check out this, because I think it does a damn good job of clearing this poem up for you. Maybe you can critique it again with these thoughts in mind. Thanks again and may 'insert god of choice here' grace you. P.S. Yeah I should change 'cranial persuit, it is one of my least favorite lines in the poem, not sure on rock-rested ether, I liked that it conveyed sleeping on rocks rather than with pillows. It would make you pretty weary eh?Oh and alarum isnt there to really signify the alarm, the cockadoodledoo does that. |
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A.Grace Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 31 |
I must say that after your explanation I still don’t have a clue what your poem is about. What is the significance of the alphabet? The letters are charging across your brain while you sleep? When I read it the first time I wondered why you used the number 26 like the number of letters in the alphabet, but I didn’t actually think that was the whole premise of the dream. I think you need to be a little clearer about why the letters are so important, why there is such a battle going on. I originally thought this was perhaps a vet having flashbacks while dreaming, so you can see how far off I was. I understand that a clock signifies time, however WHY does it dull your mind? And then it changes to signify sleep??? I must say I don’t understand your “alarum” isn’t the alarm, but it symbolizes waking up comment- you lost me on that one. I don’t know why you’re insisting on using a spelling that no one uses anymore, also. Alarum means the exact same as alarm. I think part of the problem here is that you know exactly what you’re talking about, however, the reader is going to be a bit confused- at least I was. I can’t relate to this poem because I’m not sure what it’s supposed to mean. I don’t mean to offend you at all, I’m just being honest. Understand that these are just my perceptions of your poem; others may get this poem and wonder what I’m talking about. This is your poem- leave the lines that you feel so strongly about like they are, I was just making suggestions like you asked for, on what worked for me. Anyway, good luck. I don’t know if I was much help or not. Hopefully someone else will comment to give you their take on it also. A. |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
You weren't that far off in what you thought it was about, it was just a different approach to the flashback. The alphabet was supposed to signify different names of his friends, in individual letter form. I was basically trying to say his brain was assaulted while he slept. I think I might take the letter stuff out in my next draft. "WHY does it dull your mind". Ok if a clock is symbolic of TIME. and you read it as "the time dulls my mind" would if work better for you? I didn't want to be so straight forward and just say TIME. So I used clock, does that help? Alarum is more closely resemblant of what I wanted it to mean in my poem. I didn't want a whole list of definitions by using alarm, and leaving it up in the air for the reader, alarum is just one definition, and that was what I wanted. I agree that the message I wanted to portray isn't really there. One of the messages I was trying to get across was 'Just like a bullet fired from a gun, our words are fired from out mouths" I appreciate your honesty, it helps me realize what this poem needs work on, I thought that if I explained certain aspects you would be able to give a more educated critique of my poem.You were a great help and gave me a lot to think on. Thanks again! |
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A.Grace Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 31 |
RE: "WHY does it dull your mind". Ok if a clock is symbolic of TIME. and you read it as "the time dulls my mind" would if work better for you? I didn't want to be so straight forward and just say TIME. So I used clock, does that help?" What I meant was that you need to expand on this, because to me "the clock dulls my mind" sounds about as appealing as "my teeth chew food". I was thinking more along the lines of: The swinging pendulum hypnotizes, dulling my already weary mind. or- the constant ticking of the clock drives my insensate mind to sleep Something along those lines. Make it richer, don't just tell me that the clock dulls your mind, make me feel it, you know what I mean? A. |
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