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Not a sonnet
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Not a sonnet |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Loving her Is texting in traffic, Driving with my knees. Loving her Is balancing a cup of coffee On a pencil On my head. Loving her: Papaya served with cottage cheese, Licked from a hatchet. Leaving her, A bird-shot speckled back, The sting of pellets. Returning then, A walk up seven sets of stairs In rubber swimming fins. [This message has been edited by oceanvu2 (03-13-2008 12:16 PM).] |
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A.Grace Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 31 |
Loving her Is texting in traffic, Driving with my knees. (I like this- it gives a feel of all-encompassing- an obsession to connect with her) Loving her Is balancing a cup of coffee On a pencil On my head. (I'm not sure what this makes me feel- perhaps you must make careful movements or you may get burned, she's fickle) Loving her: Papaya served with cottage cheese, Licked from a hatchet. (I liked this- so good, but you may bleed) Leaving her, A bird shot speckled back. (I would expand this- did she shoot you, or is this how you feel?) Returning then, A walk up seven sets of stairs In rubber swim fins. (I would change the last line to "In rubber swimming fins."- it flows better.) I enjoyed this. A. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Love some of the descriptions!  A bird shot speckled back has me confused, though, and I think stairs come in flights, not sets. The first stanza is a killer way to begin  |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
A. Grace: All the images were meant to suggest both danger and foolishness, a part of loving, no? I made the change in the last line as you suggested. Sounds better to me, too. I'd be up for changing "driving" to "steering" as well if that seems more accurate. Balladeer: I hyphenated "bird-shot" to perhaps clarify as tiny pellets. Helpful? "Flight" or "set" of stairs might be colloquial. "Set" sounded better to me, goes with the rest of the "s's" in the last two lines. This is not the way I usually write. I posted it as part of the ongoing discussion about free and structured verse. I sense structure, though the verse is clearly "free." Can one have it both ways? Thank you both for the reading and useful comments. Jimbeaux  |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
wow I really loved this poem I haven't read anything by you for so long it was really great. so sweet  Krysti |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Krysti: Thank you! Why do you think it works for you? Best, Jimbeaux |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
A. Grace and Balladeer: Again, listening to you both, I tried to clarify the "bird-shot" lines. I also noticed that it's hard to see, at least with my eyes on my screen, that there is a semi-colon after the third "Loving her." Thanks! Jimbeaux |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Jim, Indeed, I think that is the strength of the poem. Enjoyed the read. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
While it's always good to see positive comments, I don't share everyone's enthusiasm for this piece. I agree that some of the images are very nice, but I can't honestly get the thing to cohere. It reminds me of one of those 'black comedies' that really weren't all that funny. You want to laugh, you really do, but in the end you don't. quote: And the black comedy begins. I don't like people who do this, you know? I don't like it when I'm crossing the road with my daughter, I don't like it when I'm driving next to the guy. I've done things similar of course but that doesn't make me like it more. quote: My thought: Dr. Suess is coming to town. Dr. Suess is coming to town. quote: And now we have a kind of montage scene. I love you but I'm going to kill you kind of thing. One can almost hear the music in the background. It also seems like you've quickly gotten bored with 'loving her is' refrain. One could argue, I suppose, that it is a kind of shift in tone or the introduction of tension, but I'm still stuck with images of actors and actresses looking at each other: "Mr. and Mrs. Smith have been married some odd years." quote: Brad shot by Angelina. I'm not sure why we need the 'sting of pellets' here. quote: Brad swims with the fishes, but he makes it back. It feels unfinished. Hmmm, maybe there will be a sequel? All in good fun. |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Jim, I like the delirious feel to this. I have difficulty visualizing the coffee cup and the pencil and how they will be balanced on your head, so I miss some of the potential pleasure of this. For the cottage-cheese, how would you feel about licking it from, say, "the flat of a" hatchet. It's somewhat more visual and there are more of the assonantal "a" sounds to linger with, eh? Perhaps "sliced" papaya or something of the sort, unless your feeling anti-adjectival today. Why not make the logical structure of the piece just a touch more obvious and say something like: If leaving her is A bird-shot speckled back, The sting of pellets, Then returning is A hike to a seventh floor walk-up While wearing rubber swim fins. I'm enjoying the little bugger, by the way; it's a happy poem that makes me happy to read it. I always enjoy having a look at your stuff. Best, BobK |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
well I think what worked the most about the poem was the how with each thing you said I could feel the meaning and it just appears in a vivid picture in my head... the whole time i was thinking ohhh how true... that really does sound like love Krysti |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
...too many "ings" to me. Here's a quick folly: Love is texting her in traffic as I drive with my knees balance a cup of coffee on a pencil. Papaya served with cottage cheese— licked from the hatchet her hands; a bird shot speckled stings. Return I ascend seven stairs to rubber wet fins. <<>> |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
note to the above: if "rubber" is too obtuse one may rewite as "rub her." |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi RCat -- Not a bad take on this poem, but a different one in tone and sense, I think. There is a referential problem in starting your version with "Love is..." as opposed to "Loving her..." "Love is" is the title of a very long-running single- frame cartoon wich is syndicated nationally. Your take made me ask myself if saying "Loving her" personifies the "her." Maybe the poet would react differently to loving someone else and conjur up a different set of images. Wondering if you got my email which told you how to look up any member's poems? These, IMO are some fun look-ups: Lucky, Susan Caldwell, Robert Jordan, Serenity Blaze, Icebox, Jennifer Maxwell, Huan Yi, Brad, Essorant, jboulder, Bob K, Grinch and whomever tickles your fancy. This is just my list, and it's decidedly incomplete. Not all these people post in C/A, so you'll have to do a little looking in Open and Dark. You'll find some pretty neat stuff in a wide variety of styles and sensibilities. Reading more than one poem from one writer at a time may prove insightful. When you find someone or something you want to revisit, you can save them by using the site's Library function. Brad: The Dr. Seuss allusion to the balancing act lines seems appropriate. It does seem Cat in the Hat-ish. Not necessarily bad, though? Krysti: We've talked in a few e's, good conversation. I'm hoping you will open up a bit in this and other threads you chose to comment on, and look at poems on more than a "like" or "dislike" basis. Bob K: I agree with your suggestions. I know that poems don't get written by committee, but in this instance, I had been incorporating suggested changes, so the current version is not the original version My point has been that suggestions do count, and can be incorporated without feeling too defensive. I kind of like this little bugger, too. PS: I'm not anti-adjectival per se. I do prefer simile to metaphor, even if I almost always leave out the word "like," (two personal quirks). This is simply about my approach to the mechanics, and has nothing to do with anyone else's. Part of the writer's drill, I think, is balancing detatchment (editing for improvement) attachment (liking what you've got) and conviction (the belief the belief that you've finally got it right, and all those other people are crazy" Well, that last line has a bit of seriousness to it. At some point, a writer would seem to need conviction, or at least confidence in his or her own work, otherwise, everything remains an "essay" in the sense of a trial blurb. At some point, writers seem to go through the door between "trying" and "doing." Only the given writer can sense when that happens. Peer validation helps, publication helps, writing and writing and writing helps, but the shift, I think, from "trying" to "doing" is an internal event. Grinch: If you pop in, I take if by your lack of input that this is not the type of poem you care to comment on. Good for you! I do the same thing, and I'll still buy the next round. Thank you all, Jimbeaux [This message has been edited by oceanvu2 (03-15-2008 11:10 PM).] |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I thought this was delightful. That first stanza captured the frantic need of love. And I liked very much the madcap image of your saucer and pencil--I thought it conveyed the precarious, as one who has lost at love before might feel when daring to try it again. The adjustments made to the third work better for me too. There is pain implied, and it's kind of violent, implying the trials of the usual difficulties of living in love and surviving. And the last is perfect, too. The clumsiness, the absurd image, was quite the apt description of how we feel to return, to do it all over again. All the stages were done with originality, and the poem is downright endearing. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Ah Serenity! I am nothing if not endearing, except when being a total but whole. Thank you, Jimmy |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
ohh Jim I really would love to.. one of these days I will just as soon as i find the time Krysti |
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Seoulair Senior Member
since 2008-03-27
Posts 807Seoul S.Korea |
I like this poem very much. It is rather philosophical than poetic...still very poetic. The topic is love but not as romantic as sonnet Loving her Is texting in traffic, Driving with my knees. Very distracted but managed staying in line. Loving her Is balancing a cup of coffee On a pencil On my head. Love is very delicate matter. If out of control...think of that hot coffee is poured on head. Loving her: Papaya served with cottage cheese, Licked from a hatchet. Love is goooood (does papaya with cottage cheese taste good?) but, it is also extremely dangerous and so easy to get hurt when one enjoys it. Leaving her, A bird-shot speckled back, The sting of pellets. Can't leave. Even if something happened still it hurts to leave. Returning then, A walk up seven sets of stairs In rubber swimming fins. I don't know where is then but it is almost impossible to return. I wonder why? after going through all the troubles of love, yes, it is hard to go through it again and again. Or Is it returning to no-love stage? It is still impossible after the papaya and cottage cheese. A serious lover. Enjoyed the reading. |
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