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Critical Analysis #2
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The Man who Told us Horror Stories
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Man who Told us Horror Stories |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
His eyes were blurry gray, his hair was white. His voice was thin and difficult to hear In windy autumn, made you strain your ear; Yet after eating, through the early night, We often listened near the campfire light. At times, his scary face, his probing leer, Was all it took to make us feel that fear. A building storm destroyed that camping site To sate the middle class suburban sprawl; I see the dust and hear the tractor roar. Amid construction business counter claims And work accumulating more and more, I see his eyes or hear his voice in fall And feel the joy before maturing flames. |
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| © Copyright 2008 Brad - All Rights Reserved | |||
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Balladeer?  |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Another Sonnet blurry gray.....I felt hard to say them. difficult to hear....t-to campfire light . his scary face... his-scary I like you poem because I can hear your personal voice in it. I'll read two more times to get all if I can.  [This message has been edited by TomMark (03-06-2008 05:26 PM).] |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Yet after eating, through the early night “ Brad, to me the above line means you guys eat for about four hours. (Through the early night ), means you started eating at the beginning of early night and stopped eating at the end of early night. I guess kids can do that around a camp fire ? |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I'll discuss it more when I have time. Actually I like the images and the thought behind it, which I even understand! I do have a problem with the rhyme scheme, though. You begin very compact and well- constructed with a scheme of: a-b-b-a-a-b-b-a but the latter part seems to get erratic and disjointed... c-d-e-d-f-e It was disconcerting to make the transition of good structure for half the piece to a more erratic type finalizing it.... |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks, guys! Tom, I'm not sure what to say about 'blurry gray', I'll wait to see if other agree. 'Campfire' is a tricky point, however. Some people will read 'fire' as two syllables. That's not what I want , but will listen to the majority says. Chop, I would read it that way too if there were no comma. Still, you make a valid point that the 'experience' of reading could so easily derailed by such an easily overlooked mark as a comma. I've been thinking about this one. Mike, Well, the rhyme scheme is cde/dce unless you don't see sprawl/fall as a full rhyme (no slant rhymes, today, folks). I didn't make the scheme up but you may be right that the theme and structure don't match. The sestet is supposed to create a kind of echoing effect with the rhyme (kind of like memory), but I certainly understand that the theme as written may not quite carry that off very well. Thanks again. |
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A.Grace Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 31 |
Hey Brad, I enjoyed your sonnet. Each line 10 syllables, 5 stresses. I have just a couple of things noted below. His eyes were blurry gray, his hair was white. His voice was thin and difficult to hear In windy autumn, made you strain your ear; Yet after eating, through the early night, We often listened near the campfire light. At times, his scary face, his probing leer, Was all it took to make us feel that fear. A building storm destroyed that camping site To sate the middle class suburban sprawl; I see the dust and hear the tractor roar. Amid construction business counter claims And work accumulating more and more, I see his eyes or hear his voice in fall And feel the joy before maturing flames. L2- I would change "thin" to something else, perhaps "old" L4- perhaps "Yet after eating, come the early night" L5- perhaps "We'd often gather 'round the campfire light" L6- I'd revise this line, for some reason it just doesn't work for me. L7- maybe this one too, just a little. Why did the rhyme change in the last quatrain? Anyway, just a couple of thoughts. A. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Brad, Now that you point it out, I do see your rhyme scheme in the sestet. I have to admit though that I really looked for it initially and it escaped me. I have to wonder if an irregular scheme really works. It doesn't for me although the rhyme itself is fine. In fact, I rather like it. It's something we don't see or think of every day. I sounds like it didn't work well for Mike either. But then, we may be the two most conservative readers currently inhabiting CA and you may not be writing for that type. You often don't. BTW A. Grace, that last quatrain is actually a sestet and the rhyme scheme is supposed to change there. This is an Italian, or Petrarchan as named for the Italian poet, sonnet. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I really liked it. "blurry grey" is fine for me, and I like the rhyme scheme... the irregularity of it keeps me interested, especially with this being a straightforward poem (What? Brad? Straighforward?) the little twist in the rhyme scheme works beutifully I think. '“ Yet after eating, through the early night “ Brad, to me the above line means you guys eat for about four hours.' The comma separates the thoughts, I had no problems here. You ever going to change your Critique message Brad? You've "just realized" it wasn't on for years... lol. Anyway, I loved it, and what's more, I even understood it. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, I'm pretty sure the sestet rhyme scheme comes from Keats (Ode to a Grecian Urn), but I can't say that I was following that religiously. The Ode stanza structure for Keats was ABABCDEDCE: quote: The CDE/CDE seems to have as many variations as poems. I suppose you could always go CDCDCD (Elizabeth Browning) for a more 'conservative' approach: quote: Hush and Grace, Thank you very much for taking the time to read. I listen very carefully to what people are saying. Hush, I have changed the message. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Brad: This one may be a victim to form over substance. I take it that it is a response to the recent ELF-arson. Fine. If you look at the lines, roughly 50% of the words have significance, the rest are fill-ins in response to a convention. OK, there are almost always “fillers” in a rigid form, but I think the quantity is detrimental here. It isn’t the case in every line, but it still seems to be the case overall. Similarly, this piece can be punctuated in different ways. It might be more focused, that is, the punctuation become a poetic imperative. Except as an example of a sonnet, this one might be set aside. It doesn’t seem to be indicative of your high level of skill. Best, Jimbeaux |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
His eyes were blurry gray, his hair was white His voice was thin and difficult to hear.(really good beginning very descriptive but not to descriptive that it drags on. very strong) In windy autumn, made you strain your ear; Yet after eating, through the early night, We often listened near the campfire light. A building storm destroyed that camping site To sate the middle class suburban sprawl; I see the dust and hear the tractor roar. Amid construction business counter claims And work accumulating more and more, I see his eyes or hear his voice in fall And feel the joy before maturing flames. (it seems like more could have been added to this, it seems unfinished.. he has many more stories to share...) Overall I really liked this... i'm still learning this over analizing poetry so go easy on me haha... I said I would come back tho didn't I.. sorrie it took like... 2 weeks or so hehe!! Krysti |
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