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Critical Analysis #2
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MJ
Member
since 2008-02-21
Posts 60


0 posted 2008-02-26 12:25 PM


I watch the machine as it breathes for you
My heart is full, a mixture of love and dread
Beneath the lines and behind the sounds
Your features hidden, misshapen, and beautiful

I touch your forehead, eyelids, stroke your hair
Marveling that you were given to to me
Your face is slack with innocence
Unaware of the battle, you hang suspended

The chaplain softly touches my shoulder
I always pray alone, but for you I pray with him
And I am reminded of the sweet but terrible truth
You were His first, and He may call you home

So I match the rhythm, breathe with you
And the image comes into my mind
That two sets of arms wait to hold you
On both sides of the divide

--

This is something I wrote last summer when my daughter was in the ICU due to a chronic illness (she has since bounced back and is doing fairly well).

I know very little about the 'rules' of poetry, I just write what is on my mind but would welcome suggestions. Although I enjoy poetry that rhymes, I find it somewhat confining at times.

I would also welcome it if someone could point me to some basic reference material (preferably on the web) on different types of poetry. I know that sounds wide open since there are as many 'types' as there are authors, but I am talking about the basics of it.

For instance, I am not all that familiar with references in here to pentameter or other such little mysteries, but would like to learn.

Thanks!
MJ

© Copyright 2008 MJ - All Rights Reserved
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
1 posted 2008-02-26 01:21 PM


MJ, what a touching poem, maybe you should teach us how to write poetry.

I’m glad your girl is doing ok .

The only thing, I would find another word in the place of terrible, maybe trying  


MJ
Member
since 2008-02-21
Posts 60

2 posted 2008-02-27 08:27 PM


Thank you chopsticks, but I really am a bit clueless as to some of the basic forms. I just write - I think it's mostly free verse, but I sort of like it when rhymes happen naturally and add to them, like the end of this one.
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
3 posted 2008-02-27 09:20 PM


" Like the end of this one."

What rhyme was that ?


MJ
Member
since 2008-02-21
Posts 60

4 posted 2008-02-27 10:59 PM


"mind" and "divide" at the end
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
5 posted 2008-02-28 09:47 AM


MJ, find yourself a rhyming dictionary, put it in your favorites. Go to a search engine punch in pentameter , you’ll find all you want to know about the dreaded pentameter.  I am not being hateful , but you have to do some of the leg work yourself.


MJ
Member
since 2008-02-21
Posts 60

6 posted 2008-02-28 11:20 AM


"you have to do some of the leg work yourself"

chopsticks, I totally understand that - but I am not looking for someone to teach me a personal class within this forum.

I use search engines a lot, and have all types of reference sites (including a rhyming dictionary) in my favorites.

As for poetry basics, these are a couple of sites I'm perusing at the moment: http://volweb.utk.edu/school/bedford/harrisms/spotlight.htm http://stonegulch.com/understandingpoetry.html

However, there are tons of people here who obviously know a whole lot more than I do, and I enjoy their writing to boot. I was simply wondering if anyone had favorite or recommended sites that I could look at to learn more, and I was looking for critiques on what I wrote.


chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
7 posted 2008-02-28 12:10 PM


RJ, did you check your rhyming dictionary to see if “mind” and “divide” rhyme ?

I did  critique your poem. I suggested a word change .

Good luck on finding what you are looking for.


MJ
Member
since 2008-02-21
Posts 60

8 posted 2008-02-28 01:18 PM


Yes, I appreciated your critique and liked your suggestion too. In a different circumstance you'd be right but the word 'terrible' described exactly how I felt about it at the time. I didn't want to share her, didn't want to give her up.

I know the two words I mentioned are not a perfect rhyme but I liked the similarity of their sound.

Appreciate your comments and dialogue.

MJ

hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
9 posted 2008-03-01 03:02 PM


Hi, and welcome. I've been a little.. uh.. distracted from poetry lately- writers block and, it seems... a reading block too... but I'm happy to say you hooked me in here and I really enjoyed your poem.

You call yourself a rookie, but in my opinion you don't really write like a rookie (not that I'm any kind of expert... I just go by my ear and intuition). WHen a "rookie" writes about something with such raw emotion... it often seems that details get lost in translation, that generalities and cliche's overwhelme the idea the person is trying to get across. But that's not the case with this poem.

Your lines are delicate and descriptive, and even the words you use that usually seem cliche (like beautiful, terrible) work in this context... this poem really conveys your anguish but without becoming too verbose and complicated... and your use of some words that are often overrused seem to root this poem in the reality of its author... not necessarily a poet first, but a mother... who happens to write beautiful poetry.



I enjoyed the read, and I hope this helped.

McMongrel
Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 17
North Carolina, USA
10 posted 2008-03-02 11:19 AM


    I was touched by your poem, for I too have a daughter who fills my heart.

While I also tend to write non-rhyming poetry because it allows me more freedom, I sometimes find that I can change a poem to say the same thing in a rhyming way once I have the basic poem written.

For example.


"I watch the machine as it breathes for you.

A mixture of love and dread fills my soul.

Beneath the lines and behind the sounds,

your features hidden, misshapen, and beautiful"

Soul and beautiful may not rhyme perfectly, but they are pretty close.

Also, I think soul is OK to put in place of heart, especially given the spiritual nature of the emotions you are expressing.

BUT, in the end it is your poem and it should be expressed as you wish it to be expressed.

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