navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » For Sale: Hemi Priestess
Critical Analysis #2
Post A Reply Post New Topic For Sale: Hemi Priestess Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
RCat
Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70


0 posted 2008-02-23 09:52 AM




You’re lookin’ at a classic American hotrod dude!
Right down to her broken in by daddy [wink]

“Really?”

She’s got killer horsepower
with a torque curve waiting to  
gouge your heart out with a spark plug,
strip you to the bone with battery acid,  
door-slam your skull clean off, and
hang it on the rear view mirror
strung on a fan belt!

“Impressive,” examining the sticker [squint]
“That’s quite the destination charge,
perhaps a minivan is more for me?”


<<>>

© Copyright 2008 RCatino - All Rights Reserved
jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
1 posted 2008-02-23 10:51 AM


RCat:

Well, since you put it that way, I guess the domesticated male life is pretty good after all.

When I read this, I couldn't help but to contrast it against Cummings' "she being Brand / -new" ... Because of this, I found myself wishing that you would have expanded the poem a little more.  To me, it seemed a little short and abrupt.

What you've done here, I think, is nicely done.  If there is something missing, I think it is a description of what draws us to the "Hemi Priestess" ... you might consider moving us from the idealistic to the practical, rather than merely dropping the practical on our heads like an engine block.

I very much like the idea and the presentation.  Thanks for posting.

Jim

RCat
Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70

2 posted 2008-02-23 11:01 AM


Excellent point jboulder --- and the association to Cummings’ is accurate as well.  The particular poem you mention is indeed way cool IMO.  

I’m going to try to soften the intro and/or buffer the transition so I don’t grind the gears so badly!  

Your input is very much appreciated!

Thanks again.    

RCat
Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70

3 posted 2008-02-23 02:26 PM


Here’s a quick revision (actually several).  I know there are some areas needing attention, but what’s the impression?  Right road or off road?  


On his daily drive home Jim spots her at the red light. Her
feral lines and cat-back curves scrub twenty years
off his odometer (wheels turn on green

parks, opens the door) his fate under her control, approaches
as a throaty growl inside concurs, “more, more (isn’t this what
we’ve always wanted and) more!”

His mind slams---but it’s a done deal as they say in Detroit
the drive to explode hemispherical piston action blows
the hub caps off conventionality.  

“You’re lookin’ at a classic American hotrod dude!” (the
salesman winks) “Right down to her broken in by daddy”

“Really?” Jim scans her Scandinavian inspired profile and
Brazilian sculpted rear with chrome dual groaning gravel spitting
traction on her wing. “She’s

got killer horsepower with a torque curve eager to crush your heart
like an elephant, acceleration that battery acid strips you to the bone,
cornering that will door-slam your skull clean off, and the attitude
to hang it on the rear view mirror strung tribally on a fan belt!”

“Impressive,” examining the sticker (reaches in his
pocket) “That’s quite the destination charge, perhaps (sub
liminally handing over his keys) a minivan is more for me?” (signs
on the

dotted) “Damn right!  There’s nothing on the street like this anymore!”
A key inserts the door, a flash of jet black and straight to redline…

Jim never made it home that night, or for that matter, ever again.
“…found her rolled near interstate 5” (no passengers
reported alive) only a laptop on the front seat
with every file summarily deleted





<<>>

[This message has been edited by RCat (02-23-2008 04:32 PM).]

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
4 posted 2008-02-23 04:33 PM


RCat, now I get it. Your first post is a teaser and then you knock us dead with the revision .

That’ll only work so many times, then we will start waiting for the good stuff at eleven o’clock.

The revision, hook and all, was great ,  too bad about the kid.

RCat
Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70

5 posted 2008-02-23 05:23 PM


deleted per below...

[This message has been edited by RCat (02-24-2008 10:50 AM).]

RCat
Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70

6 posted 2008-02-23 05:36 PM


should "Jim be "Joe?"  Perhaps a more pedestrian name?

I’m trying to leave the impression the driver wasn’t necessarily killed; the wild girl just liberated him and he walked away, leaving his life behind.



chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
7 posted 2008-02-23 06:18 PM


“ I’m trying to leave the impression the driver wasn’t necessarily killed; the wild girl just liberated him and he walked away, leaving his life behind.”

Then it would be a fairy tale, once upon a time ...

You do know the differences between a fairy tale and a real tale don’t you :

A fairy tale starts out, once upon a time.

A real tale starts out,  you guys ain’t going to believe this.


RCat
Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70

8 posted 2008-02-23 11:33 PM


OK, so he died...

maybe.



RCat
Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70

9 posted 2008-02-24 10:47 AM



On his daily drive home Jim spots her at the red light. Her feral
lines and cat-back curves scrub twenty years off his personal
odometer (wheels turn on green

parks the accord opening the door). Eyes fix on her burnt candy-apple skin
inviting him closer as a throaty growl inside concurs, “more, more (this is
exactly what we’ve always wanted and) more!”

His mind slams---but as they say in Detroit, it’s a testosterone mid-life bomb;
and the drive-by-wire desire for hemispherical piston action blows
the hub caps off routine bunkered in the garage.  

“You’re lookin’ at a classic American hotrod dude (the salesman
winks) right down to her 8-cylinders pumping big for daddy!”

“Really” Jim scans her Scandinavian inspired profile and
Brazilian shaved rear---admiring the chrome dual groaning asphalt smoking  
traction implied on her wing.  “She’s got

killer horsepower with a torque curve eager to crush your heart like
an elephant---acceleration that battery acid strips you to the bone! Cornering
that will door-slam your head clean off, and (pointing the cockpit) the
nerve to hang your skull on the rear view mirror!”

“Impressive,” examining the sticker while reaching in his pocket, “That’s quite
the destination charge, perhaps (subliminally handing over his keys) a minivan
is more for me?” (signs on the

dotted) “Damn right! (knuckle butts with the salesman) there’s nothing on the street
like this babe!”  A key inserts the door; the smell of Corinthian leather, a flash of jet
black rumbles straight to…………………….redline.

Jim never made it home that night, or for that matter, ever again. “…found her rolled
near interstate 5” no passengers reported alive, only a laptop on the front seat
with every file deleted

<<>>

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » For Sale: Hemi Priestess

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary