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Ode to the beautiful boy
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Ode to the beautiful boy |
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Fareed Member
since 2008-02-08
Posts 75
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O beautiful boy! Vestige of sweet love, Dwells in scented poppies of thy heart, Encamped besides in solace thereof, Which on thyself tragedy canst part. All my extolment, all my reverence, Paeans learnt and grails half-hearted, Shamed by pureness unheard hitherto, Poetised in tome, lost word whence, Charms for fidelity ambit uncharted, My sleeps even never dream untrue. Let lone voices, thy quietude rhymes, Gleeful verses as honey in thy eyes, Glints rosier than any rosary chimes, Bechanced by any Jonah’s cries. O peerless Adonis! For thy trend, Towards blemish is as nonexistent, As is any merriment in the inferno, As any scepticism heart has to fend, Thence my folly assumes to extent, Thine is the act to weave the rainbow. Forsooth, whosoever foes conspire, To dilute thy youthful innocence, With a tincture of nefarious fire, Veneered in the messianic pretence. May they eternise and blind trusting, The sky to drip shriven nectar for, Rues as sleepwalking Lady Macbeth, Still wails whilst I keep on rusting, A shady bough, a citadel in war, Fencing thyself till swoon to death. |
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| © Copyright 2008 Fareed Athar - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Fareed Member
since 2008-02-08
Posts 75 |
It is my first poem here, I really wish to know what gurus think of it  Thank you and Hi |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Fareed~ Hello and WELCOME to this wonderful circle of poetic friends~ I'm not a 'guru' ... but I did enjoy the read~ Hope to see more from you as time moves on~ *Huglets*  ~*Marge*~ ~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~ |
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Fareed Member
since 2008-02-08
Posts 75 |
Thank you so much Marge, to have taken time out to read it. I feel greatly honoured to have felt welcomed here. However, I'm still waiting to be spanked over |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
o BEAUTiful BOY! VEStige of SWEET LOVE, First line: one iamb, two double iambs (or ionic minor feet) Wow! You want to start with a bang, don't you? x DWELLS in SCENTed POPpies OF thy HEART, The 'x' represents the beheaded first syllable. 'of' is given a slight stress through promotion. So far, nothing necessarily wrong -- I suspect you're giving some of our more conservative readers fits however. enCAMPED beSIDES in SOlace THEREof, First slip: I don't mind you going a little crazy here, but even if you want to put the stress on 'of' and have a tri-syllabic sub., it still doesn't work. You have four beats. I suggest reworking this line. x WHICH on THYself TRAgedy CANST PART. Double iamb again, back to five beats, first is beheaded. ALL my exTOLment, ALL my REVerENCE, reversed first foot -- what about at least one line that's regular? PAEans LEARNT and GRAILS half-HEARTed, 4 beats again. You can't count 'half'. Furthermore, you end on an off-beat, the reader is waiting for another strong beat. x SHAMED by PUREness unHEARD HITHerTO, 5 beats again. beheaded iamb again. Double iamb again. POeTISED in TOME, LOST word WHENCE, The only reason I'm giving you this one is that comma (caesura) CHARMED for fiDELity AMbit unCHARTed, my SLEEPS Even NEver DREAM unTRUE. let LONE VOIces, thy QUIetude RHYMES, GLEEful VERses as HONey IN thy EYES, GLINTS ROSiER than Any ROsary CHIMES, Spondess sub., first position. beCHANCED by Any JONah’s CRIES. Hey, this one's regular. The first one! Oh, wait, it only has four beats. o PEERless aDONis! FOR thy TREND, towards BLEMish IS as NONexISTent, as is Any MERriMENT in THE inFERno, Opening anapest, I guess. as Any SCEPtiCIsm HEART has to FEND, THENCE my FOLly asSUMES to exTENT, THINE is the ACT to WEAVE the RAINbow. ForSOOTH, WHOsoEver FOES conSPIRE, to diLUTE thy YOUTHful INnoCENCE, with a TINCture of neFARious FIRE, VeNEERED in the MESsiAnic PREtence. Last word can go either way. may THEY eTERnise and BLIND TRUSTing, the SKY to DRIP SHRIven NECTtar FOR, RUES as SLEEPWALKing LAdy macBETH, Still WAILS whilst i KEEP on RUSTing, a SHAdy BOUGH, a CITaDEL in WAR, FENCing thySELF till SWOON to DEATH. ------------------ I had to rush this so I may have screwed something up, but I count one regular line. One. In terms of variations and substitutions, I'm using the somewhat looser rules of the last century or so (say Frost's loose iambic), and even with those there's no real consensus today. To be fair, I think you can get away with a lot of what you're doing here ― if they were done much more sparingly ― but you need to be more careful. Things were much stricter when the archaisms you use were, well, actually being used. Your turn. |
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Fareed Member
since 2008-02-08
Posts 75 |
Thank you so much, Brad. Indeed the trite beheading of opening syllable makes it much more stressful than the customs associated with the practice. Though how much I wanted it to be preoccupied with amphibraches but it did not come out that way. Either way, there was a fear of apparently subduing the metrical foot altogether. My overemphasis on postmodernism might have inculcated the said liberation for which I have my apologies. Bye |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
No apology needed. Um, but I'm curious what you want to do here. Amphribrachs? You mean like Auden's "Said the rider to the reader" thing? |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Fareed: I'm not sure how much help I can offer here, but it is clear to me that you invested a considerable amount of time on this. Generally, I'd recommend that you not forget good sentence structure. This, I think, is particularly important when you use uncommon words (they tend to slow the read). I've re-ordered the lines as sentences and deleted commas where I thought it made sense to delete them (you don't have to end each line with one, even when the line enjambs). Just think of what you do when you come to a comma in a sentence ... they're usually used either parenthetically or to indicate a sequence. Here is what I came up with. quote: Notice above, for example, that the "Forsooth ..." sentence doesn't appear to complete the thought. Also note that you have a couple of long sentences in the mix. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it does tend to increase the reader's difficulty in interpreting what you're trying to say. Brad's scanned the poem well. I agree with him on "thereof" but, for the most part, thought the rhythm was fine. Since I need to sum up, I guess what I'm suggesting is that you not get lost in the form at the expense of the story. I don't know ... it might just be me, but I had a hard time following the story, which is a shame because it appears your poem covers a good bit of ground. I will try to come back to this when I have more time. Thanks for posting. I look forward to reading your next poem. Jim |
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Fareed Member
since 2008-02-08
Posts 75 |
Thank you very much Jim. You're spot on over your points. Like, the 'forsooth' was not completed, I thought I'd compensate in the residual part but could not do so apparently. It was my first Ode so that is why I got lost in the form or else the story always matter to me in the yore. |
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