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Critical Analysis #2
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ATONEMENT - TITLE MAY CHANGE. FEEDBACK APPRECIATED!
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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ATONEMENT - TITLE MAY CHANGE. FEEDBACK APPRECIATED! |
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e-ReK Junior Member
since 2007-07-20
Posts 15 |
Atonement With each struggling step my blood boils, bubbling Mumbling under my breath Saying “Damn the world!” I’m under in debt, Pondering while crushing the image this puddle reflects. Rats scatter and flee down the alley with me, It’s raining in June, explaining the moon is hiding or else it’s too cloudy to see… That day was a lesson to me – Regretting the reason I left you those keys As you stepped in expecting affection from me, But found on the ground a bottle of pills, And my body unconscious, left in the sheets. Angry, embarrassed, and sorry to live I ignored the priest saying God will forgive, Because uncertainly searching for a reason to breathe It seems that to me – there is none! And if there is one, Well… God isn’t it! This conclusion brings me back to the first scene Me cursing, at God in the sky, pondering why – Why did you save me when I wanted to die!? Such a desperate life… These street lamps couldn’t revamp my quest for the light. So I fought, what I thought was an effortless fight: To make amends and tie the ends that only death could unite… Was I taking… or saving my life? I daydream at night Of the pains that I’ve gained in my plight. Wondering if, when our purpose is… purposeless And we lose our aim then… ain’t it all right? The life that I failed to take has given my mind wisdom, For as long as time’s ticking… I’ll be searching for the reason that I’m missing. And as long as I’m lonely at night, I know that it’s crazy, but to the lady that saved me, I hope you would die… But at the same time I owe you my life. ******************** I'm not too sure about the title... any suggestions? |
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effjayel Senior Member
since 2007-09-30
Posts 1474At the Crossroads of Infinity |
Que Sera ? works for me...??? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
You have two conflicting styles merging here. On the one hand, you seem to want the kind of Coburnesque 'automatic' writing while at the same time you have rhymed couplet sprinkles as well as other rhymes throughout the piece. Choose one and go with that. |
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e-ReK Junior Member
since 2007-07-20
Posts 15 |
please elaborate... upping^ [This message has been edited by e-ReK (02-22-2008 12:07 PM).] |
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e-ReK Junior Member
since 2007-07-20
Posts 15 |
up |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
With each struggling step my blood boils, bubbling Mumbling under my breath Saying “Damn the world!” I’m under in debt, Pondering while crushing the image this puddle reflects. Rats scatter and flee down the alley with me, It’s raining in June, explaining the moon is hiding or else it’s too cloudy to see… I couldn’t get past this because it’s utterly abstract and riddled with cliché. How many times have we heard things like “my blood boils” and “damn the world” and “this puddle reflects” etc. Sorry but it’s entirely boring and offers the reader no fresh insight into the world or it’s “issues.” IMO you need to create some fresh images and stop telling --- try painting a simple scene with some interesting observations and cast an evil eye on cliché (of course “evil eye” being cliché itself)! |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
Here’s a quick something… rats chatter and laugh down the alley with me vinegar scents the path we puddle through outside the tunnel it’s raining mid-june ripening fruits some are already rotting on the ground --- these are the chosen ones… |
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