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A Letter?
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A Letter? |
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Purple_slug New Member
since 2008-02-05
Posts 1Michigan |
I am completely new to this site but I am in desperate need of some advice and criticism. I do not write fiction very often and I am thinking of submitting this following poem to a magazine. To show you how lost I am, I am not even sure if this is considered a poem. Anyway. Thanks in advance! _____________________________________________ I want to write to you a letter.. a story of my life. I want to write to you a letter.. but I think I fear my own hands. I am afraid I'll betray myself. That maybe in my work, you'll find out that I'm a lot different than the person I portray. That secretly in the corner of my soul, there is a bad person inside. A person of wrongs and loathing, hidden in wolf's hide clothing. I'm afraid you'll know that the things I do are so vastly different than the words I say. A tortured hypocrite smiling at your feet. When you reach down slowly, to pet my warm flushed cheek, Could you ever guess that my skeleton beneath Always shivers with cold? Will you ever know that I have no home nor kin? Could you ever fathom my origin? I do not know what fed the decayed root that shot soft bone-white tendrils in the loam. I do not know what beam of sunlight dared encourage the abomination of my genesis. Maybe this long-repressed malignancy boils to the top of my outer surface And despite angry nails burrowing into the afflicted flesh, It could never do damage to the dark seed inside. And when I no longer fight the terror that you never surmised. I will come for you. I will take your gentle hand and feed on its sweet muscle. I will rend flesh from the bone. I will rend flesh from the bone. I want to write to you a letter.. |
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dwgpoet Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122FL, USA |
Yes, this is a poem. All poems are worth submitting; earth-worming down slug. I would eliminate a few repetitive words or sentences. The 24 line form may be affected. ------------------------------------------ I want to write to you a letter: autobiographical fear: Hands afraid to be self viewed; as hypocritical grasps, Workers of wrongs and loathings, hidden in wolf's hide clothing. Smiling pained lips at your feet. When hesitantly you reach, down to pet my warm flushed cheek, See my skeleton beneath always shivers with the cold? Will you ever know that I have no home nor kin? Could you ever fathom my origin? What fed the decayed root that shot soft bone-white tendrils in the loam. I do not know what beam of sunlight dared encourage the abomination of my genesis. Maybe this long-repressed malignancy boils to the top of my outer surface And despite angry nails burrowing into the afflicted flesh, It could never do damage to the dark seed inside. And when I no longer fight the terror that you never surmised. I will come for you. I will take your gentle hand and feed on its sweet muscle. I will rend flesh from the bone. I will rend flesh from the bone. I want to write to you a letter.. --------------------------------------- Those first 14 lines I like. Those second 14 I lost. Please explain those 2nd 14. copyright dwgpoet 2007 |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Welcome to CA! Still, we have a couple of administrative things to settle. If you could e-mail me, that would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I think the 'you don't know who I am' motif is okay, but I wonder if you might share some snapshots of early life (stock images from lives of psychotics might be interesting here; but that's the comic side of me. I see this poem as an exercise in black humor). Instead of lamenting one's life, I would share experience and then have the speaker deny it. This might create a stronger tension to the build up at the end. It's a tricky thing to do, I admit, and so easily could become a standard psychotic-sociopathic episode (anybody else getting really tired of the Psycho remakes?), but if done well, it can create its own 'moment'. Oh, and drop the rep. on the last line. It's the punch line. No reason to belabor it. |
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