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Critical Analysis #2
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Introduction to Team Verses
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Introduction to Team Verses |
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dwgpoet Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122FL, USA |
TEAM verses: prophesy:ing for play, pray and found ways to correction. Three goals borne, once A_Muse_Sing myself met SAMs slaps; TEAM sent protection: Received Fruits of the Spirit inciting better burnt blood gift from me. Sacrifice disliked by SAM. Warned SAM, "Create New Personality" Team Slew by older bro Sam, TEAM begot Seth, replaced Seed. Wheat and weeds grew together. SAM's fruit: enmity, greed, weeds. A fires way clearing maps, SAM tried to tangle, tear and teach abhor. Scornful weeds thorned up to thistle and choke. Our TEAM donned full Suit: ArmOur. ---------------------------------- Paradise soon, new Team Nation Genesis through Revelation. Glued "Fruit" "Suit" and Meditation. Team vows led to celebration. "I shall prove to be, what I prove to be:" Paradise Perfection now restored; TEAM adored. copyright dwgpoet 2007 |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
How about sentence structure? I don't see any. I don't know. Maybe someone with a better ear or eye for experimental stuff can see something of value. I'll listen. Right now, I see pointless caps, random punctuation, associative rhymes strung together with a hint of Biblical allusion thrown in for the hell of it. What was that movie's name again? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'm bumping this one to the top because I am hoping somebody has a more sympathetic reading than the one I gave. Any takers? |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
" What was that movie's name again ? " Brad, the movie is ( Five easy pieces ) Jack Nicholson was trying to get the waitress to give him some more mayo. For his sandwich. I understand the poem it just doesn’t make any sense. Maybe you didn‘t bump it high enough . Reminds me of this story : Two brothers are leaving Nairobi to go on a safari when one of them bought a medallion that he was to carry that would keep him safe from lions. Weeks later one brother returned to Nairobi and was berating the medallion salesman about his brother being eaten by a lion. The medallion salesman ask , was his brother carrying the medallion. YES ,the brother said . The medallion salesman gave the brother a puzzled look and said, he wasn’t carrying it fast enough. |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
Can you maybe explain what this "TEAM" thing is to me? I'm sorry but I've read a couple of your other poems and they seem to have a similar structure, based around this "TEAM" thing. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
dwg: Let me try to decode some of this: TEAM = God or Sons of God SAM = Satan, Cain or Sons of Cain This seems to be a symbolic run along the scarlet thread of redemption, from Adam to the establishment of the church (Team Nation). Looks like we cover Cain and Abel, the birth of Seth, to the early church age (the allusion to the Full Armor from Ephesians is the give-away), the Blessed Hope (i.e., Paradise soon), then glorification and the New Jerusalem. I can't really tell whether this is intended to be praise or evangelistic or both. It almost works for me as praise, but at times I feel like I need an interpreter. As Christian evangelism, it doesn't really work for me because the centerpiece is missing. I think if this was about anything less familiar than Biblical stories and well-known prophesies, it would be very difficult to decipher. To improve this, I'd aim to focus more on telling the story than losing yourself in the sound, especially if you consider this more of an evangelistic piece. Thanks for posting and the read. Jim |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Let me try to decode some of this: “ Jim its not hard to decode, but what’s the point ? |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
quote: THAT remains to be discovered. Which is, really, the point of critique. Jim |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ THAT remains to be discovered. Which is, really, the point of critique. ” Why do I think that decoding something is not critique ? Go to search the web, punch in “ Team poetry “ and you get over 14 million pages. But, I am sure if you think it’s critique, to you it's critique. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Chops, surround "TEAM poetry" in quotes, and it will narrow your search. I don't think you'll find your answers there, however. Discovering the point usually involves trying to get inside the head of the author - to recreate the creative experience that produced the poem. At least that's how I like to read and critique poetry. Even the most obscure poems drop hints here and there, and sometimes they are quite subtle and clever and lead you somewhere interesting. Sometimes the threads lead you nowhere ... like a Mobius Strip.  I'm getting a bit long-winded now, but I chalk that up to working for and with lawyers for most of my professional life, but bear with me. Sometimes you have to try to learn the language before you can understand the story. In this case, for me, once I felt comfortable enough with the language, I discovered that, as far as my reading is concerned, the story could use some fleshing out. I like what Grinch said in the other thread about this sort of thing ... the failure could be just as much mine as the author's. Whose fault it is isn't of great concern to me ... all I can tell the author is that I've tried. The big question mark in my mind whenever I read poetry like this is whether or not I am going to discover something surprising. This time I didn't. Next time, maybe I will. Personally, I am much more interested in the story than I am in the meter and rhyme. The latter two are certainly important, but I think secondary to the telling of the story. It's the story that sticks with you - like the West Indian Limes and the old man crawling down the street - not necessarily the rhythm or the rhyme that accompany the story (although they certainly can help the memory). I don't think I limited my reply to dwgpoet to a decoding of his language choice - but it was my starting point and, yes, I think you are right that decoding alone is not necessarily critique. But it is part of the process. Jim |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Jim, what we say in discussing the content of poetry is just our opinion. If I write a poem, and the reader with a normal I Q don’t get it ,then I think it is a hundred percent my fault. Btw, I don't mean if it is a riddle poem they have to solve it, but they do have to know that it is a riddle, or it is all my fault. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Chops, this is only true if you assume (1) the reader of normal intelligence applies that intelligence fully toward the reading and (2) the poem was intended for the reader of normal intelligence. Regarding #1, I believe most readers (of normal intelligence or otherwise) don't and, regarding #2, I believe most poems are intended for such readers (dwgpoet's included). Perhaps what you are suggesting, like Balladeer seems to be suggesting in other threads, is that a poem (and poet) fails if its perspicuity doesn't enable a reader of normal intelligence to immediately discern the general meaning or purpose. I respectively disagree. Sometimes you must read a poem many times and in different ways before you can hear and appreciate its qualities and recognize the poet's purpose. dwgpoet: If you're out there, was this poem intended to be rapped? Jim |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Chops, this is only true if you assume (1) the reader of normal intelligence applies that intelligence toward the reading “ Of course, I assume that ! “ I respectively disagree. Sometimes you must read a poem many times and in different ways before you can hear and appreciate its qualities and recognize the poet's purpose. “ I respectively say, I would never waste your time like that . Let me make my point clear for all you guys in Pennsylvania: “ If I write a poem that a person with a normal IQ, who is not drunk , who is not half asleep, who is not on some kind of mind expanding drugs, who is not smitten by the love bug and who likes to read poetry, doesn’t get it, then I am one hundred percent at fault. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
What if 9 out of ten people who match your criteria “get it” are you at fault or to blame for the one who doesn’t get it? Supposing 8 out of 10 “get it”, or 4 out of 10? What happens if 10 people with a lower IQ “get it” and your Mr Average doesn’t? |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ What if 9 out of ten people who match your criteria “get it” are you at fault or to blame for the one who doesn’t get it?” YES. (But I wouldn't worry about that one too much) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “ Supposing 8 out of 10 “get it”, or 4 out of 10? What happens if 10 people with a lower IQ “get it” and your Mr Average doesn’t?” Your fault, I don’t get this one. Btw, If I don’t answer any of your questions for a time, I have gone to Good Will to get some stuff to sale on E-bay. [This message has been edited by chopsticks (02-03-2008 06:31 AM).] |
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dwgpoet Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122FL, USA |
"Introduction to Team Verses" Thank you Brad for your generous "Introduction" You are the most inspiring moderator on the Internet to poets like myself, because you incite many to critique what they never otherwise would buy in to re-reading. Thanks for your question about "TEAM" Treagal. And, Thank YOU both, Chopsticks and Jim for your lively debate. Of course, I agree more with Jim or I would never continue writing to the general public. I believe a poem is semi-successful if it prompts critique and deciphering from that type of audience who enjoy that kind of poem. It looks like Jim has almost completely decoded my catch words. "TEAM" is intentionally vague, so that any ones GOD or Higher Power can have common ground with my GOD. And, "SAM" is Satan; whereas, "Team" are God's followers including his Son Jesus Christ; and "Sam" are Satan's team followers. Thus, I evangelize to only those who want to decipher my personal GOD's illustrations. (Matthew 13:10-15) At the same time, there may be a few who do not want to dig into the meanings. To them, I hope to still please/or/annoy with my rhyme, meter, and crazy CAP_It_Till_I_ZA_Shun styles. (Forgive me Chopsticks) Chopsticks is correct in saying that the average reader will not enjoy this poetry. Even most of Christendom's Spiritual Journey readers will hate this type of crazy poetry that needs deciphering for no real reason at all. I apologize! Maybe, I will never improve clarity enough to find an audience who is similar to me. Maybe, I write only to A_Muse myself. I hope not! I will wait for a few more critique's to see if there are any lines worth saving and revising. If not, I will shelf this "Introduction" for some months, until I clear my mind. The most important answer to all of your questions about, "what’s the point?" "Where's the story?" There is no story yet in this poem. As the Title state it is simply an "Introduction" Many text books have an Introduction page that lists the 20 or 50 or 172 lessons that will be in that course book. This confusing, free-style introduction page to my 172 poem book will take a lot of re-editing, until all 172 "Team verses versus SAM" are complete. Asta, dwgpoet. copyright dwgpoet 2007 |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
( Forgive me Chopsticks ) ” Dwgpoet, you may need to ask forgiveness, but not from me. |
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dwgpoet Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122FL, USA |
Cool, I will ... New Testament ... pray for penitence. copyright dwgpoet 2007 |
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dwgpoet Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122FL, USA |
(Inroduction to Team Verses (Revised Version 03/28/08) TEAM verses: prophesy:ing for play, pray and found ways to correction. Three gifts borne, once A_muse_sing myself met SAMs slaps; TEAM sent protection: 1. Warned Sam, "create new personality." SAM shunned the TEAM reflection. Team received fruits of the Spirit from TEAM; since Team's altar erection. 2. Team slew by older bro Sam, TEAM begot Seth, replaced Seed. Wheat and weeds grew aside in crossed sections. SAM's fruit: enmity, greed, weeds; until our Seed's ransom: blood protection. 3. A fires way clearing maps, SAM tried to tangle, tear and teach abhor. Scornful weeds thorned up to thistle and choke. Our Team donned full suit: ArmOur. ---------------------------------- Paradise soon, new Team Nation Genesis through Revelation. Glued "Fruit" "Suit" and Meditation. Team vows led to celebration. "I shall prove to be, what I prove to be:" Paradise Perfection now restored; TEAM adored. copyright dwgpoet 2007 |
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