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14 LINES
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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14 LINES |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
14 LINES Those who breathe light through their skin Step across a bridge of birds Between impassable banks. I need to confide in you That its separation is The actual illusion: No bridge, no birds, no bright starred River named Forgetfulness. Each bank (on this most brittle Of periwinkle blue days) Totally invisible From the heights of the other; No one beside the river, No blackbird rasps in the sky. . . . . I am still working on In "Praise of Experience," trying to use the excellent feedback I got there. This one came along perhaps as a counterpoint to that poem. I have no idea at this point. I thought I'd share it though. BobK. [This message has been edited by Bob K (01-14-2008 02:11 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 Bob K - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
For some reason, I've been unable to edit this. I've tried to move the lines of prose—those after "sky," should there be any question—down a few lines to give the poem a clear margin. No joy in Muddville, however; I'm sorry for the confusion. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
14 LINES Those who breathe light through their skin Step across a bridge of birds Those who breathe light through their skin Tiptoe cross a bridge of feather wings Between impassable banks. I need to confide in you over the current of fire brew. I need to confide in you That its separation is The actual illusion: between the lights and among the rain The separation is the actual illusion: No bridge, no birds, no bright starred River named Forgetfulness. Each bank (on this most brittle Of periwinkle blue days) Totally invisible From the heights of the other; No one beside the river, No blackbird rasps in the sky. Dear Bob K, my read. Have you made a new version yet? |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear TomMark, No new version yet. What is it about the lines you've altered that you think requires the changes you've made? That is, how do they help your reading of the poem work better than the original? I need your taste, yes; but your critical thinking, too, if you can spare that bit of extra effort and risk. I know it's asking extra, but it's not for me, it's for the poor little starving and homeless poems. But for you, they may grow up and lead a life of crime on the streets. Heaven knows what corruption their daddy has in mind for them, if he's not stopped. Only you, so far, can prevent the terrible fate of this poor innocent poem. Weeping, starving, in rags. I am too desolated to continue my wretched speculations, TomMark. Truly this world can be a harsh one. I submit this reply in great hope. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Tiptoe cross a bridge of feathery wings Consider that it was the woman who crosses the bridge. over the current of fire brew. the original story was the mother of queens who was so furious for the marriage and draw a line with her anger. (the milky way) and I thought that a danger was more related to confide than an impossible. (but it might just your poetic way to do so) between the lights and among the rain star light, and the rain...if it was raining on that day, the birds would not come out to build that bridge so they had to wait for the next year. My thought. Dear Bob K, I know nothing about poetry. truly  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: This actually makes a kind of literal sense. Plants -- It's a stretch, I know it. -- might be said to breath light through their skin and plants, partly, live on the nutrients of dead birds. The personification creates a mythical image (and that's obviously where you're coming from). quote: I don't understand 'impassable'. It seems clear that the banks are passable. quote: I liked the switch to 'I need to confide in you' but don't think this is weighty enough to carry three lines: I need to confide in you that the separation is the illusion. I don't know. My variation sounds trite. Maybe you wanted to play with actual and illusion here. I can see that, but then I would also argue that these lines deserve more attention than they are getting now. quote: I don't think this is necessary. Maybe you could integrate the name of the river in the first strophe? quote: If there's no river, how can there be banks? I like periwinkle sky, but by now the sheer nature of the poem seems to be lapsing into nonsense. I don't have an anchor, a hook, or point to see what you're trying to tell me. Rough suggestions: Those who breathe light through their skin Step across a bridge of birds Between banks. I need to confide in you that its separation is illusion: On this most brittle of periwinkle blue days, no one beside the river, No blackbird rasping in the sky. |
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