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Critical Analysis #2
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Let me out!
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Let me out! |
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delrayhc Junior Member
since 2008-01-09
Posts 19Delray Beach , Florida U.S |
Let me out! If you don’t I’m going to torment you Let me out! Or I’m going to run a race inside of your head, tie a knot in your stomach then your heart will be next Let me out! I’m going to be set free one way or the other Maybe in the form of salty water escaping from your eyes Or maybe I will wait for one of your sighs and then sneak out of your nose Ha! You think you’re the Warden you think you’re so wise You think you’ve sealed off every possible outlet, don’t worry I will find another, or perhaps, I already have! |
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| © Copyright 2008 delrayhc - All Rights Reserved | |||
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Hi Delrayhc, I would give a cow and a calf to know who’s body you are in and why do you want out. It could be a real interesting poem. Maybe the Tomster will come along and figure it out. But don’t expect to much and you won’t be disappointed. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Still, love this, very emotional. And write more!!!  Chops, this is personalized emotion talking to the person. When someone in deep sorrow, one has no words but violent churning of feelings and it turns life up-side down...so one has to let the emotion out. Here, the emotion wanted to be out..but the person hold it. why salty water...tears My thought. Chops, don't play the trick, you knew it. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
No trick Tomster, I did not know it and I think you nailed it. That's why you get the big bucks and it is an interesting poem. I had no clue. I thought it could be a riddle poem. I definitely wasn’t going to guess immortality . Good job for both of you. |
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delrayhc Junior Member
since 2008-01-09
Posts 19Delray Beach , Florida U.S |
Tom you did figure it out. This past year has been a rough one for me due to losing people in my life due to death or circumstance.This poem was about the war that has been going inside of me. Pain, anxiety, loss, sadness, ect have been runing ramped inside of me for the past 8 months. I have had many tears, but the outlet that has been the most theraputic and helpful is when I write. This outlet has been a recent discovery for me. I wrote my first poem about a month and a half ago (The necterine tree) and it felt good to put my thoughts on paper in an artisic way. The end of this poems says: You think you’ve sealed off every possible outlet, don’t worry I will find another, or perhaps, I already have! This part is saying that the emotions have found an outlet, an outlet that uses a pad and pen for the emotions escape. Thanks TomM and Chops for your posts. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hmmm ... it surprises me a little bit to say this, but I rather like the raw form you've chosen for this poem. That's not to say I don't think there are ways this can be improved, but rather that the form seems to fit the subject matter very well. And that is half the challenge sometimes, don't ya think? To the poem, I don't think you need to repeat "Let me out!" I played around with this a little bit ... my aim was to clean up some extra verbage and to see what I could do to pace the poem a little differently. Hope you don't mind. Let me out! Or I’m going to torment you, run a race inside your head, tie your stomach in a knot. I will be set free, one way or the other. Maybe escaping as salty water from your eyes Or sneak out with one of your sighs. Ha! You think you’re the Warden, you think you’re so wise, you think you’ve sealed off every outlet - Don’t worry I'll find another, or perhaps, I already have! I like the potential I see here. Keep writing! Jim |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Jim I hate to fuss with E=MC2 two times on the same Sunday morning. But, “ Let me out “ to me was the essence of the poem. |
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delrayhc Junior Member
since 2008-01-09
Posts 19Delray Beach , Florida U.S |
Jim I thank you for your post. I do see your point about the extra verbage. I did revise just a bit. I took out the part about escaping from the nose. Let me out! If you don’t I’m going to torment you Let me out! Or I’m going to run a race inside of your head, tie a knot in your stomach then your heart will be next Let me out! I’m going to be set free one way or the other Maybe in the form of salty water escaping from your eyes Or maybe I will wait and sneak out with one of your sighs Ha! You think you’re the Warden you think you’re so wise You think you’ve sealed off every possible outlet, don’t worry I will find another, or perhaps, I already have! |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Delrayhc, I am glad you took the nose out. I wanted to ask about the nose in my first reply. Now it reminds me of my boss he sighs and says, “oh me” quite often. I guess he has a reason to say that, I work for him. Now that I know the rest of the story and it’s revised, it’s a more enjoyable poem . Why don’t you go back and edit the original poem ? |
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delrayhc Junior Member
since 2008-01-09
Posts 19Delray Beach , Florida U.S |
Chopsticks, I'm happy that your enjoying the poem more. I'm thinking about editing it, but I guess I'm afraid that it will take away from my own personal voice. I think I will just write more until I get a better feel for writing poetry, then I think I will have an easier time when it comes to editing my poems. I do thank you and the others who have posted for your insight, I feel you all are pointing me in the right direction. |
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