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To End War - A Sonnet

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Balladeer
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0 posted 01-09-2008 03:13 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer


I'd like to say to Christians near and far
I'd like to say to Jews and Muslims, too
It’s time for all to seek an end to war.
And recognize your different points of view.

To Catholics and Protestants I say
To all of those who murder in His name
It’s time to wash the seeds of hate away.
Your legacy is nothing more than shame.

To Maoists, Hindus, Shintos and the Tao’s
How many of the innocents must die?
The time to stop hostilities is now.
War is an act no man can justify.


To all who claim theirs is a god of peace
It’s time for this insanity to cease.
© Copyright 2008 Michael Mack - All Rights Reserved
Bob K
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1 posted 01-09-2008 05:15 PM       View Profile for Bob K   Email Bob K   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bob K

Dear Balladeer,

         I envy your facility with forms.  Perhaps:

To Maoists, Hindus, followers of the Tao,. . .

     A hendecasyllabic line is a permissable variation, so long as it's pentameter, with examples going back as far as Wyatt.  The usual term is "Daoist," with "follower of the Dao" used as well.  The "D" is generally used these days in preference to the "T" because, I'm told, that it's closer to the way the word is actually spoken.  Path, it means "path," but if you can talk about it you've gotten it wrong.

     The same way as with meditation; it's not what you think.

     Sure do envy your facility with forms.  Best wishes, BobK
Balladeer
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2 posted 01-09-2008 05:28 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

An excellent replacement line, Bob. It flows better, eliminates that pesky "s" that bothered me and improves the stanza overall. I will make the change and I thank you
serenity blaze
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3 posted 01-09-2008 07:18 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

And I'm a little weird about punctuation here...

I hear a pause in the first line, and in my mind, that is like a "beat".

Which brings up my old argument (and Emily's) that punctuation can serve as a "beat"...

the very first line throws me off (and normally Mike, your words read immaculately)

"I'd like to say to Christians near and far"

Now granted, no comma is necessary between 'Christians near and far', but my mind keeps putting one there.

Maybe it's the transcriptionist training in me, but this goes on throughout--especially when you mark each stanza with a period.

I don't know if there are rules about this--I mean, if you disregard punctuation, is that done altogether?

It just gave a halting quality to the reading for me. Most unusual when I read you too, btw.

The message I can't argue with though.

I am in love with love.

Balladeer
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4 posted 01-09-2008 07:37 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Now granted, no comma is necessary between 'Christians near and far', but my mind keeps putting one there.

Then I don't see a problem, serene one. If your mind puts the pause there where it should be, the comma wasn't really necessary. Yes, punctuation  can serve as a beat, but, since you got the beat without it, no problema  

-I mean, if you disregard punctuation, is that done altogether?

I don't see where I have intentionally disregarded punctuation. The periods are there, the commas  between the religion names are there, the  question mark is there....the only other place where a comma could be placed would be after protestants in L1, S2.  

I've never had any desire to be e e cummings
serenity blaze
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5 posted 01-09-2008 08:41 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

I guess it's just the transcriptionist in me.

There's a multitude of possibilities of punctuation in this piece, and this being a message poem, I would focus on that since it reads like correspondence.

Stanza two?

I'm gonna have to rest my case on this on the first line, since "I say" seems superfluous, considering you continue with the direction of "To" on the following line.

And damn it's hot in here. I'm really uncomfortable giving critique to my mentor. I really am.

Other than punctuation though, I wouldn't sneeze at this too hard. I just think it's just that I am such a fan of yours that this one is just a little too simplified. I prefer your more subtle narratives and artful metaphors.

I'm gonna go find a rock to hide under.



chopsticks
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6 posted 01-09-2008 08:55 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Fine poem Balladeer. Let’s ring the bells of peace.

I have learn a great deal from you , but I keep wanting the god in the couplet to be capitalized.

If the ” theirs “ in the couplet is singular then shouldn’t  “god” be capitalized ?

If it wasn’t for the first line in the third stanza, to me their would be no question that god should be

capitalized.

I got a late start in English  and I am just trying to learn.
TomMark
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7 posted 01-09-2008 09:17 PM       View Profile for TomMark   Email TomMark   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for TomMark

?rhyme between far and war?
Balladeer
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8 posted 01-09-2008 09:59 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

chopsticks, "theirs" is plural..."for ALL who claim THEIRS.." therefore "god" refers to any number of possibilities. If we were referring to the Christian God, then it would indeed be capitalized.

Tom, you think war and far don't rhyme?

Serenity, forget that rock. Your comments are always wecome music to my ears
TomMark
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9 posted 01-09-2008 10:18 PM       View Profile for TomMark   Email TomMark   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for TomMark

no, far and war do not rhyme with each other, sir.

And I think that it makes a very good campaign  slogan.
chopsticks
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10 posted 01-09-2008 10:39 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Thanks Ballandeer,

“ If we were referring to the Christian God, then it would indeed be capitalized. “

That would also be true if you were referring to the Jewish or muslins god ,same person.

Tom, far and war rhyme, check your rhyming dictionary.

TomMark
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11 posted 01-09-2008 10:53 PM       View Profile for TomMark   Email TomMark   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for TomMark

It does not rhyme in my ears and it does not show in rhymezone.

I don't have a rhyme dictionary.
seriously, do they really rhyme?
chopsticks
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12 posted 01-09-2008 10:56 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Check it out.
http://www.rhymer.com/RhymingDictionary/far.html
serenity blaze
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13 posted 01-09-2008 11:05 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

*laughing*

I promise you.

It's a NEAT RHYME.

sheesh.

to Mike.
TomMark
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14 posted 01-09-2008 11:06 PM       View Profile for TomMark   Email TomMark   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for TomMark

It is computer generated list. It lists out all words end with *ar.

War..[wor]

Far..[fa:r]

war pronounced as [war] only happened in Scot. and North England. and it means worse.  I believe that sir Balladeer was born in US.  
serenity blaze
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15 posted 01-09-2008 11:10 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Y'don't wanna get into colloquialisms in the U.S.

I promise you.

It's a neat rhyme.
Balladeer
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16 posted 01-09-2008 11:15 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Listen to serenity, Tom. You don't want to be teaching us English, I assure you
TomMark
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17 posted 01-09-2008 11:19 PM       View Profile for TomMark   Email TomMark   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for TomMark

THAT is how you wrote your poem!!!!!!!!!
with self-made pronunciation.

[This message has been edited by TomMark (01-10-2008 12:19 AM).]

Brad
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18 posted 01-09-2008 11:45 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

Psst, TM,

These people come from far away lands, they speak in strange tongues. I don't get it either.

You have to be careful with anybody east of that last bastion of civilization:

Las Vegas.
Not A Poet
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19 posted 01-10-2008 12:01 AM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Sorry Mike, et al. I agree with TomMark here. Far does not rhyme with war. For, drawer, roar and snore do but they don't fit your poem all that well. It's much akin to rhyming pain and again. Yes we see that all the time but it just doesn't sound right, does it? Oh sure, you can get by with it sometimes because they look the same and their endings are spelled the same but I'd bet a weeks paycheck that they don't even sound the same to you. At this point i do feel compelled to confess that I am not employed and haven't been for a few years. Somehow though I do have this gut feel that a sonnet maybe should be a little more carefully constructed.

Whatever that "Rhymer" mentioned above was, I would scrap it a use "The Rhyme Zone" instead. It does not give misleading results based purely on spelling.

BTW, I forgot to say that I do like what you have here, even with that slightly off rhyme. I can't honestly say that I would change it either as that could mess the whole idea up. I just wanted to back TomMark on a correctly pointed out discrepancy. There are, of course, many times that such discrepancies are quite acceptable.

Pete
serenity blaze
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20 posted 01-10-2008 12:05 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

In N'awlins?

It's still a neat rhyme.
TomMark
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21 posted 01-10-2008 12:22 AM       View Profile for TomMark   Email TomMark   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for TomMark

One has to follow the rules then call it A SONNET
I am just jealous.
chopsticks
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22 posted 01-10-2008 06:40 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

This has been very informative , but will it turn into Newton’s third law of motion :

III. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.


I hope so, I’ll learn more that way.

Btw, while we are clearing the air, I’m still not convinced on the god thing.

This is how I see the god thing:
To all( every religion or individual component) who claim theirs( that which belongs to them) is a God of peace.

To capitalize or not to capitalize , here is what I know :

Christian, Jewish , Muslin and Sikh have a god and they capitalize it.

Maoism has no god.

Hindu is a way of life and nothing more no god.

Taos has a high priest  “Kiva”  and the priest name is capitalized.

I didn’t spend as much time on the god thingy as was spent on whether to use a comma or not , but I do what I

can.
Balladeer
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23 posted 01-10-2008 08:25 AM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Thank you, Not A Poet. I had considered changing it to how we say it down here..

I'd like to say to Christians here and thar..

but Emily Dickinson called me and assured me it was fine.
Balladeer
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24 posted 01-10-2008 06:43 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

chopsticks, if someone of a specific religion writes of their god, they would capitalize it. Gods in general, however, are not.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Gods_by_culture

There you can see all of the categories of gods listed on Wikipedia. They do not capitalize the word god in any of them.
 
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