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Critical Analysis #2
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Treagal
Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38


0 posted 2008-01-09 02:44 AM


Well I'm taking the advice of multiple members. I would like some help with the dis-jointedness,
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The collective unconscious-
a problem known but left alone.
Corrupt minds filtering truths-
like coffee through a holy filter.
A whole generation fore-fed lies.

Flinging the deeds of our fore-fathers,
at the dartboard like world-
(Bullseye!)
Red cape government,
flapping above when we get to close.
A swinging saber down-
To take away our shining crowns.

Collective awareness on the brink
Consuming words of mouth,
Like filth poured through a sewer pipe.

Thoughts eaten before uttered-
No faith in the process of spoken words.
(A servitude to a spoken lie)
As if their severing the tethers to what life is.
Doomed to spend life unaware.


© Copyright 2008 Treagal - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 2008-01-09 06:22 PM



quote:
The collective unconscious-
a problem known but left alone.


I liked these first two lines.

I wanted to hear more about this, but you seem to want to turn Jungian collectivity political. The dilemma is immediate. You want to blame 'corrupt minds' for a psychological  theory about the way we are. I think that's where you lose focus.

'The collective unconscious' would include, you, me, our forefathers, and everybody else. You seem to want to pounce on a particular group -- let's call them the mindless masses.        Is the speaker a part of the same group? What is the relationship between the speaker and that group? None of this or things like this seemed to be addressed (obviously, there's no reason to answer those questions specifically.)

Part of the problem is that you seem to be letting the lines determine your structure:

quote:
Flinging the deeds of our fore-fathers,
at the dartboard like world-
(Bullseye!)


Here, you have a coherent moment working through three lines, but the syntactic structure still stops and starts.

quote:
Red cape government,
flapping above when we get to close.
A swinging saber down-
To take away our shining crowns.


Presumably, Superman (or some other hero type), but I don't know anybody with a cape that 'flaps' or has a sword (Zorro? Didn't he have a black cape?). Where did crowns come from?

No capes.

Now, I'm being a little facetious here. The main problem is not any particular reference or image, the main problem is that the images you show, do not aggregate into a whole picture. They move me in many different directions at once.

You have some interesting ideas, but ultimately I don't see anything specific enough for me to latch on to. This vagueness and the way you've structured your linebreaks with mutliple disparate images is 'disjointed'.

That's my guess anyway.

Advice: What about working with a specific picture?

Treagal
Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38

2 posted 2008-01-10 05:43 AM


The red cape government is akin to a matadors red cape enticing the bull

the flapping is signifying that the matador(the government) is playing around

And finally the saber down is the swift kill at the end of a Bull fight

The crown signifies our dignity of humanity.

Edit: thank you for your critic, there are some aspects I do like about this I just need to work hard to fill in the image a little. Idea's may seem coherent to me, but to others, like yourself it becomes vague. I especially liked the whole play with the matador as the government, and us as the bull. The government or high officials entice and taunt us, ultimately cutting us down to size and taking a little bit of our dignity with it.

Double edit: also if you don't mind I would like to hear some alternate idea's as to how I can make it a clearer image. Sorry if this is to much to ask, I do have problems with this aspect of writing.

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
3 posted 2008-01-10 09:08 AM


Hello Treagal can’t add anything much to Brad’s comments except I would think about lines 4 and 15 they

seem out of place in this poem.


Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
4 posted 2008-01-10 05:48 PM


quote:
The red cape government is akin to a matadors red cape enticing the bull

the flapping is signifying that the matador(the government) is playing around

And finally the saber down is the swift kill at the end of a Bull fight


Okay, then I would write a poem about a bullfight. Let the metaphor dominate, let one metaphor dominate and use the details to make bigger points about government (but don't actually mention government, let the reader infer it from the details).

I think that would be very interesting to read.


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