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beautyincalvary
Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 98

0 posted 2008-01-06 08:17 PM

This is the first rhyming attempt in a long, long while.

I've not been one to scum succumb
of spider guts and spider gore.
So when Arachne spun to me,
I dared not squash (but did endure).

Throughout the year she did appear
(austerest monster ever seen),
but foolish me, I failed to see
the tragic magic of this queen.

In the evenings and the mornings,
misty swift she scuttled still.
In a reign of frosty amber,
I admired none her skill.

For this brown eight legged beauty
was a lession of my cruelty
-and to all potential royalty-
of a warning born in hell.

For her diligence in spinning,
neither signs of battle winning
nor symbolic of our grinning,
but a trap, a trick, a snare.

Through silver webs of wispy threads,
on crispy morns and frivid nights,
She did not halt nor break nor quit-
desperate hunger for delight.

For sights, she was no tourist,
No colors for her crown,
Just her lonely web of silver,
a criss-crossing diamond town.

Now, forever, our queen spins in
fear to flee and fear to fail,
And I watch her, lips ungrinning,
As she knits her spider jail.

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

1 posted 2008-01-06 08:40 PM

Well, I don't understand the "scum succumb' combination.

"Throughout the year she did appear"....here you use "did" as a filler to balance the line, a common tactic among those not used to rhyming. It should be avoided.

I'm assuming that "lession" is a typo, since it is not a word.

In the first three stanzas, you use the a-b-c-b rhyme scheme, in the fourth and fifth you change to a-a-a-b, then you go back to a-b-c-b in the last three stanzas. perhaps you did it intentionally, but I wouldn't know why.

Not meaning to be overly critical but those are the things that jump out at me.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 2008-01-07 03:18 PM

This strikes me as a clever light piece that seems to have lost some direction.

With a title like the 'The Failed Houdini', you spend a lot of time focusing on the trap, but little on any if any attempts at escape.

My guess, and it's only a guess, is that you haven't come to terms with what you want to write about. The spider, Arachne, a metaphor for some kind of human relationship, all of the above?

Certainly one that deserves some playing around with, but you need to stay focused on your theme, don't let it get away from you.

Poems must breath, of course, but if you let them out of the cage, they often turn around and bite you.

beautyincalvary
Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 98

3 posted 2008-01-08 11:27 PM

Thanks for your replies. I agree, it's a little confused. I'll play around with it.

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

4 posted 2008-01-08 11:54 PM

"Poems must breath, of course, but if you let them out of the cage, they often turn around and bite you" Another thing saddens Sir Balladeer.

Why do you say this? Sir Brad?

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