Santa Monica, California, USA
Hi Chopsticks. "I am pretty sure of the meter in the first to lines, good enough."
Well, Chopsticks, it ain't, because there is no correlation between meter and humor, and it doesn't get any better as the poem goes on. It's about on the level of the spelling and grammar in your prefatory remark above.
Look, I appreciate the fact that you DO, in the sense of writing poetry and putting it out there. But at some point, you might want to think about what it is you think you are DO-ing, on a more critical level.
Did you read this outloud to yourself, not in your head, but out loud with your speaking voice? Did you read this out loud to anyone else before posting it? Did they laugh?
There may be a more polite way to say this, Chopsticks, but the WORK is not funny. YOU may be a funny and witty fellow indeed, but it hasn't yet translated to the page.
There's a tough task at hand. Creating humor, making someone laugh, is among the more difficult poetic tasks. And it is not simply a matter of personal taste.
The very same audience which laughs at The Three Stooges might laugh equally hard at the humor of Richard Pryor, Steve Martin, Lenny Bruce or Larry The Cable Guy, etc., etc.
The point is that while humor need not be fashioned in any particular way, it needs to be structured, honed, tested and revised until it works.
Most comic writers, and I'm just saying I've been there, and been paid up to $7,500 a week for it, throw out 90 percent of what they come up with. And even then, 5 percent of the 10 percent they keep and try out doesn't work. This is why sitcom's have laugh tracks. They're not funny.
It might be worth taking a look at some comic poetic material, and trying to get a grasp on the spirit which animates it. It might help, it might not, but it won't hurt.
Plug, plug, really, plug away until your work gets there.
Or, look to what really MOVES you and work with that. And then, put it up and see what happens.
[This message has been edited by oceanvu2 (11-30-2007 01:50 AM).]