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Passions in Poetry

Bottled Water

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chopsticks
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since 10-02-2007
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0 posted 11-29-2007 08:32 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for chopsticks


I am pretty sure of the meter in the first to lines, good enough.

Bottled Water

I am drinking bottled water
from the Okefenokee Springs;
it contains alligator droppings
and many other things.

I could get cleaner water
from a puddle in my yard;
but I wouldn’t be a special shopper
and use my buy one get one card.

But I have to have bottled water
it makes me feel real hip,
when I'm driving in slow traffic
and I take a little sip.

Now that Gal in the yellow convertible
fills me with despair;
She drinks one and talks on her phone
while combing out her hair.

She doesn't have three hands, I'm sure,
but she does have quite a smile .
she made me miss my exit
it's back by half a mile.

If I ever get to heaven and
I am waiting to hear my fate,
I'll sip on bottled water
while I'm standing at the gate

© Copyright 2007 My brother John. - All Rights Reserved
TomMark
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1 posted 11-29-2007 10:13 PM       View Profile for TomMark   Email TomMark   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for TomMark


The church bell sounds so far away
and I am feeling so very great
"I should have thrown out that Charbay
now we are going to be late"
oceanvu2
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since 02-24-2007
Posts 1007
Santa Monica, California, USA


2 posted 11-29-2007 11:12 PM       View Profile for oceanvu2   Email oceanvu2   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for oceanvu2

Hi Chopsticks.  "I am pretty sure of the meter in the first to lines, good enough."

Well, Chopsticks, it ain't, because there is no correlation between meter and humor, and it doesn't get any better as the poem goes on.  It's about on the level of the spelling and grammar in your prefatory remark above.

Look, I appreciate the fact that you DO, in the sense of writing poetry and putting it out there.  But at some point, you might want to think about what it is you think you are DO-ing, on a more critical level.

Did you read this outloud to yourself, not in your head, but out loud with your speaking voice?  Did you read this out loud to anyone else before posting it?  Did they laugh?

There may be a more polite way to say this, Chopsticks, but the WORK is not funny.  YOU may be a funny and witty fellow indeed, but it hasn't yet translated to the page.

There's a tough task at hand.  Creating humor, making someone laugh, is among the more difficult poetic tasks.  And it is not simply a matter of personal taste.  

The very same audience which laughs at The Three Stooges might laugh equally hard at the humor of Richard Pryor, Steve Martin, Lenny Bruce or Larry The Cable Guy, etc., etc.

The point is that while humor need not be fashioned in any particular way, it needs to be structured, honed, tested and revised until it works.  

Most comic writers, and I'm just saying I've been there, and been paid up to $7,500 a week for it, throw out 90 percent of what they come up with.  And even then, 5 percent of the 10 percent they keep and try out doesn't work.  This is why sitcom's have laugh tracks.  They're not funny.

It might be worth taking a look at some comic poetic material, and trying to get a grasp on the spirit which animates it.  It might help, it might not, but it won't hurt.

Plug, plug, really, plug away until your work gets there.  

Or, look to what really MOVES you and work with that.  And then, put it up and see what happens.

Jim


[This message has been edited by oceanvu2 (11-30-2007 01:50 AM).]

Not A Poet
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3 posted 11-29-2007 11:51 PM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

"Lenny Bruce" Dang Jim, you have been around a while.
oceanvu2
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since 02-24-2007
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4 posted 11-30-2007 01:50 AM       View Profile for oceanvu2   Email oceanvu2   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for oceanvu2

Hi Not-A:  Yep, I am old grizzled and cranky, but I'm still here.  I could have put up Pigmeat Martin and Mom's Mabley, but they were old when I was young and listening to their records.

The other thing that dates me, is the same type of work I did before now pays $18,500 a week, and that's scale.  Truly laughing!

Best, Jim
chopsticks
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5 posted 11-30-2007 06:16 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Ocean, your comments were long winded and pompous ;but at least you didn’t nail me with something like

this :

“Tragic event, terrible poem. It's dead by line three. There's no draft. Bang. Poem over.”

I am sure another one of the gang of eight will come along with a Coup De Grace which will

say nothing to me, for reason a ego junkie would not understand.

So pile on me ; but have a little mercy on the one’s that need your kind of mercy.

"the same type of work I did before now pays $18,500 a week, and that's scale."

I'm truly laughing too. That may have been funny if said by a comedian.


chopsticks
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6 posted 11-30-2007 07:02 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

"Lenny Bruce" Dang Jim, you have been around a while"

Not A poet, If being around for a while counted for anything on here, I would be by far the best.

Btw, before you get upset , I'm not talking about this forum .
Not A Poet
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7 posted 11-30-2007 10:23 AM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Nor I. If you actually read that instead of just copying it, you might discover that it was a comment on Jim's age which, of course, has nothing to do with "counting for anything" other than his age.
Essorant
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8 posted 11-30-2007 11:42 AM       View Profile for Essorant   Email Essorant   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Essorant's Home Page   View IP for Essorant

"The point is that while humor need not be fashioned in any particular way, it needs to be structured, honed, tested and revised until it works. "


Very true.  

chopsticks
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9 posted 11-30-2007 12:07 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

“If you actually read that instead of just copying it, you might discover that it was a comment on Jim's age”

Exactly Not A Poet, That why I said that I’m not talking about  this forum. I wondered why you picked this thread to comment on Jim’s age. I knew precisely you were talking about Jim’s age , you know like how long he has been alive.

I think it would have been a good time to comment about something beside Jim’s age; but you know what your motive was and so do I.


Not A Poet
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10 posted 11-30-2007 02:58 PM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

So now I have some ulterior motive and you understand it? Geez, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that the're not out to get you. You may find that a little thicker skin could do you well in this forum. It's not always about you, after all.
chopsticks
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11 posted 11-30-2007 03:57 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

"Lenny Bruce Dang Jim, you have been around a while"

Not A Poet,  I won’t ask you was that off topic , because it was  and I could  care less how much you go off topic ; but to call me thin skinned and paranoid  when I call you on it,  is not right.

I’ll  never call you are anybody on here a derogatory name.
hush
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since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
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12 posted 11-30-2007 06:21 PM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

The meter is off. And while this is kind of cute... I don't necessarily get it? I mean, bottled water absrobs chemicals from the plastic... alligator poop? Never heard of that. I think if you actually cut the cutesy stuff and wrote about the potential dangers of chemicals in the water, it could be interesting- you could even work in your cultural criticism with the idea of the plastic becomeing part of the drinker, etc., etc.

Still, I'm not sure I entirely see the value of this type of criticism... my mind still wonders why this narrator cares so much about the bottled water, and why is so annoyed by its drinkers?

Hope this helped.
chopsticks
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since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
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13 posted 11-30-2007 07:23 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

“The meter is off. And while this is kind of cute... I don't necessarily get it? I mean, bottled water absrobs chemicals from the plastic... alligator poop? Never heard of that. I think if you actually cut the cutesy stuff and wrote about the potential dangers of chemicals in the water, it could be interesting- you could even work in your cultural criticism with the idea of the plastic becomeing part of the drinker, etc., etc.

Still, I'm not sure I entirely see the value of this type of criticism... my mind still wonders why this narrator cares so much about the bottled water, and why is so annoyed by its drinkers?

Hope this helped.”


Hi Hush, You got the critique over with the first four words and then go on to tell me how I should have written the poem. Not all plastics leach chemicals into the water and the ones that do  you would have to drink 10 bottles a day for the next two hundred years for them to cause any harm.

Alligator poop is the same as chicken poop only it comes from an alligator.

A poem about chemicals in the water would be very boring and has been done many times.

The poem has no meter or redeeming social value, so as the poet says let’s just leave it at that.

I wrote the poem for fun but still hoped  to make a lot of money from it, that’s down the toilet now.

Thanks for the reply.
Brad
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since 08-20-99
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Jejudo, South Korea


14 posted 11-30-2007 07:37 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

Yeah, I always want to make a lot of money from my stuff. It never seems to work out that way.

Why is that?

TomMark
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15 posted 11-30-2007 07:46 PM       View Profile for TomMark   Email TomMark   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for TomMark

Heartlessness. if I am right, sir Brad
Brad
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since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


16 posted 11-30-2007 08:27 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

You see, you do get it. That's why you can't understand my stuff. You keep looking for that heart.
TomMark
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17 posted 11-30-2007 08:36 PM       View Profile for TomMark   Email TomMark   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for TomMark

my dear Sir Brad, I only read your mind because  your heart is in Korea. Do please not take it seriously, I was only joking in last statement.

I do know that big trees root deep.Of course your poem has it is heart and roots. I shall leave you alone because I do not want to torture a young, kind heart. truly.
chopsticks
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18 posted 12-01-2007 07:35 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

“ I do know that big trees root deep.”

And every Fall we have to clean up after them.

hush
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since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


19 posted 12-03-2007 02:26 PM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

'Alligator poop is the same as chicken poop only it comes from an alligator.'

Thanks sweety... I didn't know that. I don't remember ever having gator poop in my water tho...

Quit acting like a child. Why don't you post your poems in open where everyone will give you an "All Right! Great!" Since that's apparently what you're looking for.

And for the record, I was actually trying to be nice, and give you my honest reactions. Sheesh.

chopsticks
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since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
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20 posted 12-03-2007 06:38 PM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

“ Alligator poop is the same as chicken poop only it comes from an alligator.'
Thanks sweety... I didn't know that. I don't remember ever having gator poop in my water tho...

Do you remember ever having frog or lizard poop in your in your water. I bet you have had stuff in your water that you never dreamed of.

If you ever saw them load raw sugar in San Juan PR, you may never use sugar again .
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Quit acting like a child. Why don't you post your poems in open where everyone will give you an "All Right! Great!" Since that's apparently what you're looking for.”

Are you trying to be nice in that quote ? Hush, how in the world could you possibility know what I’m looking for .
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“And for the record, I was actually trying to be nice, and give you my honest reactions. Sheesh.”

When you said that you had never heard of alligator poop, your credibility went down hill fast.
Essorant
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since 08-10-2002
Posts 4689
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada


21 posted 12-04-2007 01:56 PM       View Profile for Essorant   Email Essorant   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Essorant's Home Page   View IP for Essorant

Did any of you ever take a look at this forum: Eratosphere ?

Consider the way they give critique over there and what kind of manners they show.  I don't agree with some of the things they expect in the Guidelines.  But something works there, because whenever I look in any poetry thread there are always respectful critiques and responses back to the critiques.   I think it would do us better to follow those kind of examples.  

Brad
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22 posted 12-04-2007 07:54 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

They aren't the only ones.


But what do you disagree with there?
TomMark
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23 posted 12-04-2007 08:36 PM       View Profile for TomMark   Email TomMark   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for TomMark

Dear Mr.Brad,

How are you?

I have taken some time to read your poems and they are all very touching and wonderful. I am patiently waiting for you to make further revelation on some unclear points. Until then, I certainly want to immensely  enjoy myself with each word of them, Sire.

Sincerely yours      

Tom Marktoo


This is what Sir Essorant want.
Formality and style.      

Tom
Essorant
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24 posted 12-04-2007 09:34 PM       View Profile for Essorant   Email Essorant   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Essorant's Home Page   View IP for Essorant


But what do you disagree with there?


Just some of the stipulations:  such as only being able to use your real name and have an e-mail address that isn't free (such as a hotmail address).  

But I may see some virtue in only allowing members to use their real name.  If people have the reputation of their posts and how they behave attached to their own real name, instead of some made up username, they probably will be more careful about the way they bear themselves in the forum.  

Also, according to this page new members also need some sort of "approval" and may not post poetry until they post at least fifteen critiques.  Actually, I think expecting a new member to post critiques beforehand is a great idea.  Fifteen critiques seems a bit much though.  

 
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