I enjoyed this poem very much. It has some minor problems with context and meter, but very minor.
What I'm seeing in this thread bothers me though. Everyone seems to critcize, but no one is giving,
what I'd consider, constuctive input and many posts don't even address the poem.
Some of these posts are completely full of it. If someone thinks there is no alligator poop
in Okefenokee water, they should get off their dead behinds and prove it.....In doing so they might
The Okefenokee offers so much, one could spend a lifetime and still not see and do everything. The refuge is vast, with almost 402,000 acres (that’s roughly 300,000 football fields in size) of cypress forest, marsh, lakes and islands. Filled with alligators, Sandhill cranes, red-cockaded woodpeckers and over 400 other species of animals,
Here are some suggestions chops that (I) think will help this poem, though it needs
little help, and I kinda get the feeling you're being ganged up on in this thread too.
It's no wonder you follow me around commenting on my posts, if this thread is the
example you have to follow.
I am drinking bottled water
from the Okefenokee Springs;
it (has) alligator droppings
and many other things.
I (might) get cleaner water
from a puddle in my yard;
(when I'm not) a special shopper
(with a) buy one get one card.
But I (need that) bottled water
('cause) it makes me feel (so) hip, - ("feel real" seems a little tinny here)
when I'm driving in slow traffic
and I take a little sip.
Now that Gal in (her) convertible
fills me with (great) despair;
(As she drinks one on her cell phone)
while combing out her hair.
She doesn't have three hands, I'm sure,
but () does have quite a smile .
She made me miss my exit
it's back (there) half a mile.
If I ever get to heaven's (home)
And waiting (for) my fate.
I'll sip (my) bottled water
while I'm standing at the gate.
[This message has been edited by turtle (03-01-2009 07:13 PM).]